Mr. Death

NYC

2009-02-16T01:24:00.003-05:00

Despite what you may have hear, I do not in fact love NY. Though, I am fond of it, since it's basically a city full of people like me and I am rude. I'm learning so much.
When I moved, I managed to find a young couple who, in exchange for renting out one of their rooms cheap (nice condo), I look after their 14 month old baby a few nights a week. The kid's adorable, but don't tell anyone I said it. His name is Ethan, he's this little blond fuss-pot, and the first time I had him, I sent Lance a photo of him and me and captioned it "I have some news". Poor Lance was all upset. XD
School's been really great, learning tons of things, though a lot of people mistake me for a highschool student...which isn't so bad in retrospect, considering while in highschool I was often told to go back to middle school. :/ I'm working on a huge, 20 foot by 8 foot canvas Sharpie masterpeice that won't be done anytime soon.
Allen's also coming to school with me pretty soon, so it'll be less lonely.

As for Lance, I hate being away from him so much but we're online all the time. He's doing pretty well up in Montreal, and we're basically seeing eachother every other weekend somwhere between NY and Montreal, though it burns through the money. At least the sex is better since it's rarer.

So as you can see, Johnny's life is very very boring now. (which is better than the usual blatant kick-in-the-ass)
How has everyone else been?

JV

Been a While...

2008-04-24T17:23:00.003-04:00

I had a few problems with internet...the main reason I was gone, though some other things have happened.
I've officially been clean for about a year and 2 months now ('cept for cigarettes and a bit of pot). Lance is shipping off to Montreal in the summer, and I to New York so that's been getting me pretty down...not to mention the X-Mas Holidays...
Anyway, an amusing but extremely immature anecdote:
The bunch of us (Eric, Lance, Allen, Ellen + me) were drinking down as the Wynter and Allen had had a bit to much...so he wandered away and threw up outside. He was gone for about 15 minutes, so we started discussing whether we should bug him or not (he's a bit...eh...shy) until Eric said he'd go out. We watched Eric get as far as the doorway, slip and fall down in mid sentence ("Allen, are you--"). He got up slowly, and came back in, passed us and went to the bathrooms. Next thing, we hear some guy say "Ugh, did someone slip in barf or what?"
Long story short, Allen and Eric haven't looked each other in the eye since then...
BTW, Leafs kick Canadien ass...Lance and I went to the game a few weeks ago. It was a late birthday present for him, I guess. My man is 20.

Not to much to add (that I can think of, anyway)...
JV

Merry Effin' Christmas

2006-12-25T18:03:00.000-05:00

Fucking cretins....I hate TV. Human nature becomes a bottom denominator on television...football, sex jokes, racist comedians and America's Funniest Home Videos....Which has only one credit for its name: it's stupid ass people getting what stupid ass people deserve....but for the very end, where they are rewarded for being stupid or clumsy. What the fucking shit??
So I spent Moms birthday/Christmas Eve/Mom's death day watching America's Funniest Home Videos, Friends and football...which I hate, hate and hate. Lance was kind though, and eventually popped in an early X-Mas gift (Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law) and we watched that and The Boondocks until bedtime.
I found I went almost the whole day without thinking about my mom...until I was laying awake after sex with Lance, listening to him humming as he washed his hands and face and brushed his teeth before bed. It sort of struck me, and even with the thought I just presented: "Why didn't I think about her at all, all day?" I felt guilty...but a little proud at the same time...Not that I want to forget her, but I don't want it to destroy what life I have that is happy, either. I figure, in ten years, I'll be about her age, and that kind of makes me sad. When Lance sauntered back in, he smelled like soap and Aquafresh, so I rolled over and hugged him and forgot about her again.
I know what people say to me. They say, "Johnny...she'd want you to be happy..." But of course, if they're dead, the saying applies to anyone, and anyone could back me up...But with my mum, I know its true. So for now, and this may or may not be a New Years Resolution, I will just try to be happy...calm down and stop ranting about how much I hate human nature...But it probably won't work, because Lance still watches The Price is Right every morning at 11.

JV

Christmas Eve

2006-12-19T17:14:00.000-05:00

...almost here. What do I do at this time of year? I feel a mix of confusion and anger...staring off into space and realizing hours and hours have gone by without me...Sleeping troubled, food not digesting properly, sad thoughts and angry outbursts.
I miss my mother...even though it doesn't really need to be said, I'll say it anyway. I figure she wouldn't be to happy with me now...if I'd still been living with her by now, anyway.
She always made a big deal about Christmas, and even though we couldn't afford it, she went lavish anyway and sighed over the bills for the rest of the year. She used to call Baba and Grampapa every year and tell them how good I was being, even when I wasn't. People say they can still see her in me...people being my godfather, Alex...and Baba before she passed. This year, however, will be my first Christmas without anyone in my biological family. My dad offered to take me with them on vacation, but I refused out of spite, and almost wish now that I had gone...I feel like I'm intruding on Lance's Christmas with his family...even when they swear up and down they're happy to have me.
I can surely say that X-Mas Eve will be awkward for us all...me brooding around, shaking when I hear police sirens and staring at the Christmas tree with vengeance...I'm only happy that I'll have Lance...who, as I've mentioned before, has been the most supportive, even when he didn't know it... (Holding my hand at the funeral, hugging me at the police station, taking care of me for as long as I was around...loving me, even when I didn't deserve it)
I can tell that he feels pretty sad on Christmas Eve because he loved my mom too, but it seems to me (and even though I can admit it's quite irrational) that he has no right... I wish my mom got to see me last in a good situation...I'd started cocaine when I was 12, about a year before she died, and she'd spent the year tearing her hair out about it until I turned 13 and was clean, in the October before she died.
I wish I would calm down about things, but the stress of the holidays eats me up inside and makes me unpleasant to those around me...
Sorry I've been gone...working on giant sharpie masterpiece...Running out of markers too fast.
I love you, Mama....Happy Birthday/DeathDay/Christmas Eve

Yoshka Valentine (December 24 1973 - December 24 2001)

Yo
JV

Happy Birthday...

2006-10-30T17:21:00.000-05:00

...to me....
Fuckin' 18.
Whoohoo.

Stuff and Apology

2006-10-21T18:11:00.000-04:00

Wow...last post.

Dear Past Johnny,
Take a fucking pill!
Love, Present Johnny.

Sorry folks....Girls call Lance...Lance go to school...Lance talk to girls and give them number in case they need help with homework...Girls stay away from Lance cause he tell them he dating boy.
Fuck me. I'm so stupid.
>_<

Lance made me do this for your pleasure....he'll probably post his shortly after...

Your real name: Johnny Valentine
Age: 17 (18 soon)
Height: 5'4
Natural hair color: black
Eye color: blue
Skin color: pale Caucasian
Glasses/contacts?: reading glasses sometimes (emo style!)
Piercings: yeah, tons. 15 and just a got a new one.

Tattoos: soon, soon...
Braces: nope
Mannerisms: angry/angst-ridden
Other distinctive markings: small scar above my left eyebrow (fight-related)

FAVOURITE
Color: black
Band: System of a Down, stutterfly, Moonspell
Video game: Final Fantasy 7, MediEval
Movie: Snatch
Book: Only Alien on the Planet
Food: Anything I can fucking get
CD: Pink Floyd ? Dark Side of the Moon
Flower: daisy (so NOT goth)
Scent: cologne...Lance's cologne
Animal: dogs
Comic book: The Watchmen
Cereal: Life Cereal (helps me with my womanly troubles)
Website: who knows?
Cartoon: Freakazoid

DO YOU
Play an instrument?: yep...piano, guitar, violin
Watch TV more than 60 hours a week?: some weeks
Like to sing?: oh yeah
Have a job?: musician....also picked up job at Alex's bar
Have a cell phone?: Nope.
Like to play sports?: some....touch football with good looking fellows
Have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: yeah.
Have a crush on someone?: Marilyn Munroe = dead
Live somewhere NOT in the united states?: I live in Canada ALL THE TIME
Have more than 5 TVs in your house?: O_O no
Have any special talents/skills?: singing, art I guess,
Exercise daily?: usually
Like school?: no....college impending

CAN YOU
Sing the alphabet backwards?: no
Stand on your tip toes without wearing shoes?: yeah
Speak any other languages?: russian, a bit
Go a day without food?: have and can
Remember your dreams: sometimes...only the bad or sexy dreams
Read music, not just tabs?: yeah
Roll your tongue?: no
Eat a whole pizza?: oh yeah

HAVE YOU EVER
Won something in the lottery?: I wish
Snuck out of the house?: all the time
Lied to get out of trouble?: more than I can imagine
Had a computer crash?: yeah, Lance fixes though
Gotten lost in your city?: yeah
Seen a shooting star?: no
Been to any other countries?: no
Had a serious surgery?: yeah....when my lung popped
Stolen something important to someone else?: probably
Solved a rubiks cube?: yeah
Gone out in public in your pajamas?: no...don't have pjs
Cried over a girl?: no
Cried over a boy?: yeah....
Kissed a random stranger?: no
Hugged a random stranger?: yeah, on a dare
Been in a fist fight?: many fist fights
Been arrested?: yes
Done drugs?: yes
Had alcohol?: yes
Laughed and had milk come out of your nose?: a couple of times
Pushed all the buttons on an elevator?: when i was little, I was a goddamn monster
Sneaked into the opposite sex's bathroom?: yeah :p
Gone to school only to find you had the day off because of a holiday/etc?: no.
Swore at your parents?: yes
Kicked a guy where it hurts?: yeah
Been to a casino?: no
Ran over an animal and killed it?: no
Broken a bone?: yes
Gotten stitches?: yes
Had a water balloon fight in winter?: sadly, yes...(hoses count, right?)
Made homemade muffins?: no....(who could see ME doing that??)
Bitten someone?: yes
Been to disneyland/disneyworld?: how privileged. No.
Burped in someone?s face?: no O_O

WHENS THE LAST TIME YOU
Brushed your teeth: a couple of minutes ago...had a weird taste in my mouth
Cried: last night a bit
Went to the bathroom: a couple hours ago
Saw a movie in a theatre: last Saturday (Oct 14)
Read a book: yesterday
Had a snow day: last winter, I guess
Had a party: I don't know...but having one soon
Went to a doctor: last December
Tripped in front of someone: almost everyday last week
Went to the grocery store: I don't know
Got sick: still am
Got cursed: c'mon///
Called someone: about an hour ago

DO YOU PREFER
Fruit/vegetables: veggies
Black/white: black
Lights on/lights off: lights off
TV/movie: TV
Body spray/lotion: spray
Cash/cheque: cash
Pillows/blankets: pillows
Headache/stomach ache: stomach (tired of headaches)
Paint/charcoal: paint
Chinese food/Mexican food: chinese
Summer/winter: summer (no school, warmer)
Snow/rain: rain
Fog/misty: fog
Rock/rap: rock
Meat/vegetarian: meat (no vegetarian complaints....I am small, and need the protein)
Chocolate/vanilla: chocolate
Sprinkles/icing: sprinkles
Cake/pie: pie
Strawberries/blueberries: blueberries
Ocean/swimming pool: ocean....sand in my pants O_o
Cookies/muffins: cookies
Wallet/pocket: pocket
Window/door: door
Charles Chaplin/Chespirito: chaplin ;)
Pink/purple: pink (shock)
Cat/dog: dog
Long sleeve/short sleeve: long sleeve
Pants/shorts: pants
Winter break/spring break: winter break
Spring/autumn: autumn
Clouds/clear sky: clouds
Moon/mars: moon
Questions/Answers: answers
War/Peace: peace

LOVE AND ALL THAT CRAP
Do you believe in love?: think so
What's the most important kind of love for you?: deep love
Have you ever been in love? yes
Been close to love?: oh yeah
If you have, with who?: Lance...I think its always been Lance
Ever confessed your feelings to the one you loved?: yeah
Really badly so that it actually hurts and you cry at night?: used to cry about him, but don't think for a confession gone wrong...
Are you in a relationship?: yeah
If so, for how long?: a year now. :O
Do you believe there is someone for everyone?: no...but everyone can find someone...
What is your idea of the best date?: quiet, maybe weird conversation....beer maybe, TV...sex....something calm, uneventful and warm
What was your first kiss like?: don't count old men...so....cold, it was cold and i was uncomfortably pressed against a cold chain-link fence....
How old were you when you got your first kiss?: 7 or 8...real young
Do you think love is worth nothing?: no..its worth a lot more than me
Best experience you?ve ever had with the opposite sex: i dunno...same sex has to be sitting on the roof with Lance
If you are single, have you had any boyfriends/girlfriends before?: a couple...girl, girl then boy
Have you ever been dumped?: no
Have you ever dumped someone?: yep

I...
Am: Thirsty
Want: Sleep
Need: Some new pants (ripped up jeans I be wearing)
Love: Those little crunchy things put in salads (croûtons?)
Hate: itchy winter hats
Feel: warm
Did: absolutely nothing
Miss: Lance (away for trail date with father)
Am annoyed by: myself...what that hell am I thinking?
Would rather: be lying on the couch
Am tired of: myself
Will always: freak out when things go good...

MISCELLANEOUS
What is your favourite genre of music?: Goth, metal, rock, punk
What time is it now?: 6 PM on the dot
How much money do you have?: 64.98 (just got paid on Fri)
Are you hungry right now?: yes
What are you doing right now?: finished watching Airplane with Alex and Eric
Do you like parades?: no
Do you like the moon?: yes
What are you going to do when you're done with this?: scratch my back...its itchy
If you could have any magical power what would it be?: Head Explody.

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE
Funny?: I guess
Cool?: Not really...others think so...
Pretty?: Fuck yes....Everyone says so...Effeminate much?
Sarcastic?: All the time!!!
Lazy?: Sometimes
Friendly?: Not really
Evil?: Inexplicably
Unforgettable?: Perhaps/
Smart?: I think so.
Strong?: Not really
Talented?: In some things
Dorky?: Can me (re: reading glasses)

WHAT COMES TO MIND WITH THE WORD
High: Us
Lonely: Allen (sorry pal, but its true)
Pen: Paper
Flower: Bee
Window: Cold
Psycho: Me (It's my nickname!)
Brain freeze: Squishy
Strange: Allen (Allen Strange the TV Show)
Sassy: Rap
Suffering: Emo
Art: Canvas

WOULD YOU EVER
Sky dive?: Yes
Run away?: Have
Curse at a teacher?: All the time
Not take a shower for a week?: If I can help it, no.
Ask someone out?: Yes
Unscrew your cellphone too see what's inside?: No.
Lie to someone to make them think better of you?: No.
Visit a foreign country for more than a month?: Sure
Go scuba diving?: No.
Write a book?: Yeah
Assemble a computer?: Maybe
Become a rock star?: If things keep going up.
Have a long-distance relationship?: Yeah
Marry someone you don't know?: No.

LAST QUESTIONS ( FINALLY )
What kind of computer do you have?: Made of tin foil.
What grade/level of studies are you in? Post High-School, Pre-University
Do you like to throw popcorn at people in the movies?: Yeah.
How many posters do you have in your room?: 6 or so...but they're Lances.
Who else should take this quiz?: Anyone who feels like it.

Insane

2006-09-05T17:50:00.000-04:00

I think I went insane yesterday, thinking about Lance and him going back to school and me: sitting at home, rotting and writing shit music and painting shit paintings...I smashed the cordless phone to pieces on an angry whim and I did not feel better. I stabbed my bedroom wall with a fork until part of it caved in (cheap fucking wall) and I did not feel better. I even got a phone call from Athena, and yelled at her and blew Lance off for sex and I didn't feel better. It scared me, too, because I also did not feel worse. I think I've hit a sinking feeling: I am low and cannot go any lower.
I came to the point where I decided I hated everyone I knew and wanted to make more friends...but this isn't true. I felt myself singling out God again, and talking to him and blaming him for things...and anxiety: my birthdays soon and I don't want to be 18. I don't want to be a grownup because I won't be an orphan anymore, I'll just be a kid without a mom. At least while I was a kid I could pretend I needed one. But an adult, they don't need anyone. Or so they say.
I feel like flipping off every fucking couple I see, holding hands, making out or otherwise and I think Lance is cheating on me.

JV

...

2006-07-17T16:06:00.000-04:00

...I took my first step closer my fathers house over two years ago, and I was alone. I'd stolen the information sheet on him from the social worker and skipped out on a meeting just to go and see the man who had destroyed my life--before I was forced to live under his roof. If I'd had the ability, back then, to be touched or impressed by anything, I would have been by this house. It was so large, and detailed, two tiny little snowmen outside and this, to me, was evidence of other children. He had three cars, a boat, even... I hated it. I stared up at the black windows, and made sure the night was just as silent as it needed to be and I threw a rock through the front window. As I'd expected, there were alarms, so I "stole away into the night".
I think I'd been planning (in the back of my head) to go in and say hello. Of course there was curiosity: even though I looked exactly like my mother, I guess I still had something of his inside my somewhere. And the tiny, almost dead part of me (which was my conscious, my fear of the big, scary world) wanted a family, the kind of protection that everyone else had...but of course, the majority of me was dead, and it was nauseous by sentiment.
I took out my anger out on someone's Chevy, three streets north, and went to visit my dealer...I ended up, for the first time in my life, not buying any cocaine and then I went back to the shelter to get stitches in hand where the glass shattered through.

Lately, I haven't spoken to my father at all, but he came to visit Fran and he met Lance again (Holy fucking awkward...the last time he met Lance, my step-sister was introdoucing him as her boyfriend). I stayed, sulking downstairs with Lance (still trying to play Prince of Persia) and listened to the muffled words upstairs. It made me nervous, and I kept getting jittery so Lance had to rub my leg to calm me down.
About 3 hours after I left, he tried calling me and I hung up on him.

We did go to the prom, and there was a lot of crap from the same old people (but not while Perfect Lance was around, everyone loves him)...to a point where instead of my usual instinct to punch someone, I felt like crying instead. We didn't dance, because I hate dancing, but after about 2 hours Lance took me outside and we started to drink a bit. Details, details, blah, blah, blah and then we had sex a couple of times in his room. For me, it was pretty magical even though it doesn't sound like it...and I did end up crying a lot at the end of the night...I felt like a sensitive little girl. To be honest, "faggot" has never bugged me until tonight, but then again maybe thats because this is the first time I ever bothered trying to have a relationship in front of the losers from our school. I was pretty much wallowing in alcohol, sex and tears by the time we decided to wind down for the night in Lance's bed and Lance was tittering and kissing the top of my head with a bottle of diet Coke in his hand.

sigh
JV

Summer soon...

2006-06-13T14:40:00.000-04:00

It strikes me, ever so often, at how unbelievably frivilous life and childhood can be...how people can miss so much, even though its right there in front of them. I was thinking about this, (thinking as usual, while sitting on the downstairs couch, video game on pause) and it all struck me...about the frivilousness of life, the whimsy we let go by without experiencing, the childhood that disappears far behind us until its nothing but old photographs...when Lance fell down the stairs. I was appalled, because he was giggling and when he stood up, he said, "Well that wasn't a smart thing to do..." and he came to sit beside me.
I was shocked, staring at him like an idiot and I asked him, "Why the hell did you do that?"
He shrugged and said it was because he hadn't fallen down the stairs in a while...("I forgot what it felt like.")

The last stupid thing I think I ever did (this excludes the drug habits and the violence, of course...that was all stupidity on another level) was get lured in by my horrible homeroom teacher, and after that: I fell for nothing, trusted no one and became the bitter, apathetic Johnny you know and love today...and I was only 8. When everyone else was 8, they were playing in the streets, going swimming, they had a bunch of friends in the playground...The only friends I maintained in the playground was Lance and Matt...Lance, I figure, because he had to be, he was my oldest friend...and Matt, because he was friends with Lance but he's dead now. I had grown quiet, and thoughtful after the incident, and most 8 year olds can't handle that in a friend, so they, eventually moved away...all but Lance and Matt. Then, after a fight with the school, my mom moved me away. As if not alienated enough! She puts me in the genius classes...with snot-nosed, rich kids...who don't even like me anyway and I am friendless for 5 years, until I turned bad. My first addiction, then mom's death, then more addiction, violence, violence etc. This is all I've missed. I have few photos left, all survivors of an angry fit I had, and I'm left, almost 18, graduating in days and I've experienced nothing. Thrust into adulthood way to young, and finding myself angry at my lovly, 18-year old boyfriend who can still manage to put things in his nose; watch Scooby-Doo; and throw himself down stairs for no reason. I think I am lucky to have him, but GOD do I need to make the effort to do stupid things...Raves, clubs, gigs, drugs...not good enough.
Cheers
JV

Guitar

2006-05-24T15:59:00.000-04:00

Lance got his new guitar this morning, while we were staying home "sick". I'd been sitting on the couch: feeling stoned and grey and a little hungry, and he was on the family computer off to the side, looking up hockey stuff. We had started some sort of arguement (we're still at that egdy, cut-throat stage), when he turned to the couch, where his shiny new Zion GT Shoreline Gold sat, pristeen and shiny and said "ShhhHHH...Don't yell in front of the guitar." And he kissed me on the nose and took it downstairs.
If he could have sex with it, he'd have NO use for me.
JV

Allen's 17th

2006-05-11T13:17:00.000-04:00

...I find it disturbingly awkward, being in the same house as someone I'm angry at: walking to school with them, playing gigs with them, eating dinner with them...especially when its their house, and you're the interloper.
Last night, I was staying in the extra room in the basement, and I thought I heard Lance sniffling in the next room.
Honestly, Lance didn't shed a tear EVER until he was about 16, and that was the year when everything fell apart, when I ended up in a coma and such...so I found it odd that he was doing it now. (And since the Coma Year, I've seen him cry maybe twice)
I kind of peeked out, and yeah, he was crying and playing a video game (Prince of Persia can steal MY treasure anyday), but it was on the Game Over screen and I asked him "what the hell's wrong." (I really got to stop casual swearing, I sound like I don't give a shit)
He looked at me and said: "How come nothing ever goes right?" and he indicated the screen, where the Prince lay, dead, in a volley of spikes, and I plopped down beside him and gave him a hug. It didn't really occur to me that we were in a fight, or else I would have walked away and made him feel bad (the spiteful bastard I am). He sniffed into my shirt, and made the shoulder all wet until he got up and went back to bed. I turned off the system and sat up for a while.
The weird part was next morning (this morning) when we acted EXACTLY the same, as if we were still in the fight, and it was like nothing had happened. I think I felt angry because of it, but I'm not sure.
Sigh....boring post, sorry.
JV

P.S Happ Birthday, Muto. >>>>>http://meandering-avk.blogspot.com<<<<<<

Nighttime

2006-05-02T10:42:00.001-04:00

After this divinely twisted realisation of mine, I was listening to Feel Good Inc. over and over and over..."Take it all in on your stride, it is sinking, falling down; love forever, love is free, let's turn forever: you and me..."
I was concentrating on the music, my own special way of blocking out the depression and Lance and I had just been in a fight. It's hard to know where to go when you share a floor with someone and you storm out. I hate to worry Fran (Lance's mom, to recap), but I just took off, and I sat out behind the 7/11 and turned on my CD Player (yes, I live in the Stone Age).

He told me he didn't want to hear anything else about my death dream. Just out of the blue, he said it, while he was flipping through a guitar catalogue (a peace offering from his brother and his friends...Lori and Josh said it was a "good will mission", to end the mini-war we've been having). I was looking through The Bad Art Collection again...a seriously pitiable collection of art from genius Vasquez. (It was 2 bucks, why not?)
I kind of looked up at him, and as per my way, started a fight. I say (dumbass!) "So you don't want me to talk at all?"
He says, "I didn't say that. I said don't talk about your death dream."
"Why don't I just cut out my throat?" I cheerfully suggest (what the fuck is wrong with me, God?)
He threw his magazine down and asked me "Is that all you're going to talk about, then? Because believe it or not, I don't like hearing about your death!" and he stormed out.
THAT'S when I stop feeling spiteful and feel guilty. And I know Lance: if I apoligise immediately, he'll figure that I'm patronizing him.
I followed him anyway (was irritated to find that he'd taken off one of my socks, so I was half-bare footed) and he just turned around and told me that he though that maybe if I died, then I wouldn't want to destroy myself anymore, maybe I'd stop hurting him, and that he was really sick of dealing with me.
Word for word, my father had said the same thing last month (about being sick of dealing with me), so I dropped my apolegetic look and got really angry. I couldn't see his point at the time, and wished I had. I just swore at him, instead, put on my boots and left with my bag.

Anyway, I sat behind the 7/11 with my bag, containing homework and (thankfully) cigarettes and my CD on repeat, and rubbed my aching head (it felt like I'd hit my temple on the corner of a desk, but duller and more painful). I bought some booze and basically got tanked, and stayed in place until the 7/11 guy kicked me away, and then I went and sat on Lance's porch. For some reason, I figured he wouldn't come up, therefore it was a safe place to be...I reason poorly when I'm drunk. Instead, a visiting Lori (previously mentioned, he's recently married to Ian) sat out with me and just sighed.
I was going to say something to him (I won't say what, it was awfully rude and I was awfully drunk), but Fran pulled me inside and put me to sleep on the couch. I can't help but figure she would always take Lance's side (I mean all the time, I was definitely wrong on this one) because she was his mom, but she seemed to be pretty nuetral and that made me sleep easy, for sure.
Anyway, I fucked up, but I'm never to speak of the dream again says Lance. (I remember back in the day we used to call him God, and aesthetically, oh yeah. While I'm still mad about the breakfast thing, let me say this: He's a fucking idiot. He's airheaded and stupid and he can't even read well!)
The breakfast includes me getting drenched in cereal, so fuck him: HE was wrong there.
Love
JV, bastard

...

2006-04-29T13:40:00.000-04:00

I've come to the conclusion that I've discovered, rather unhappily, my purpose in life: the punching bag. I find it clear: the punching bag of God, society, whatever...and you may say that I'm thinking negatively, but hell! This is me, this is how it is, try thinking positively when nothing ever goes right, and when something does, it actually, physically scares me.
My strange, butterfly dream (refer to earlier post) was not the first time I've had a dream point the way of death, or destruction or doom, especially involving butterflies: a symbol of the soul that leaves the body after death.
My conclusion about my dream: I'm going to die. It was all a matter of time, and things seem appropriate right now. Gods been knocking off my family one by one for the last 4 1/2 years or so...so why not now? Why not while I feel scared and happy, but exposed?
I wake up shivering still, but part of me really wants my death to happen, even though most of me is frightened. Lance won't talk to me on account of this, so he just talks about the band and what colour he should dye his hair next.
This is it: why am I actually frightened about things going right? Why do I keep looking at him out of the corner of my eye and wondering what would happen if he left me, or died? It's not a fantasy, no, but a nightmare that I can't keep out of my head. So why? Why do good things frighten me and bad things comfort me?
Am I so fucked up?
JV

Sorry

2006-04-22T19:15:00.000-04:00

The day my baba died I got some other news: not horrible, but irritating. I'd just found out, I was sitting outside her building on the concrete steps with East West - She Cries stuck in my head like a broken record when my cell rang and I picked it up. A friend of mine had seen a poster in Dr. Disc (an alright second hand and new record store) for a band called Johnny Valentine and the Valentones. WTF?~
Thereafter, I ranted, I was angry etc. and was not all to happy to recieve the nickname "Mr. Valentone" from the same friend. Not that its HORRIBLE, again, but it doesn't do my well, either. At the same time, Lance picked up a new nickname (from the same damn friend), who when she met us, called him "Chappo." ... Making us Mr. Valentone and Chappo.

My father keeps calling still, worried, discontented and apoligetic. One time (I'm not sure how, God had tricked me I guess) he'd gotten me on the phone, and all I had heard, before hanging up, was "Johnathan, listen to me--".
I've been alright, I think, in general, even with my baba's death. Drug-free, self-inflicted pain-free, nightmare-free, violence-free...and Lance and I have been having great sex, and its not intimidating me in the least. (He has a fucking tight body).

With her untimely death came the sudden realization that there are no more Valentines left in the world. Nope. Just me. Just me. Just me. No one left who knew my mom as a child, no one left who has to love me because we're related.

Though in other news, Lance invited me to the Prom. :)

Love
JV

Dear God

2006-03-24T22:14:00.000-05:00

Dear God,

Fuck you. I've been chewed up, spit out, knocked over, kicked while I was down. I'm hanging on the edge and you're stepping on my damn fingers.
I felt betrayed when I was raped...but I still had faith. I lost my faith and was angry when my mother was killed by one of your "beautiful" fucking creatures. I was outraged when you didn't answer my one.last.plea when I was slitting my wrists or trying to pull the trigger...I am blind and furious now: my baba's died. Thank you. No really, Thank You.
You've proven yourself to exist, so good job. Yeah, I believe your there: there's no other explanation for why I've been shot down so many fucking times. So I believe you're there, but not that you are good. Maybe you are, who the hell knows? Not me: how could I? And why would I?
I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you.
Love and kisses
Johnny V. (You know the one. The one you fucked over again)

RIP Marilyn Irina Valentine 1948-2006 (baba)

p.s Lance and I saw V for Vendetta. Good. Lance and I went to see HH. Good. Don't worry about me, I'm already fucking dead inside. I'll be back when I feel better. Cheers and hope all goes well for you.

Lance

2006-03-13T21:46:00.000-05:00

Ever since Lance's birthday on the 1st (celebrated on the first, however supposed to be the 29th), he has been depressed...refused to leave his room, crying, wailing about things.
His grandfather died, his father's out of prison and he realised he's not a kid anymore, at 18. He hides his head underneath the pillows and blankets and stuffed animals and tells me he's never leaving his house ever ever again, that he wants to be frozen and remember about better things.
I, however, have been sitting outside his door, day after day, trying to coax him to come out. I miss him, I want him, I haven't touched him in ages and I'm lonely and becoming depressed myself. This was all before my bout with the flu...accompanied by a hacking cough that cares NOT that one of my lungs is recovering puncture still and a headache that makes my daily headache's worse. It's been painful to close my eyes, keep them open, have lights on, sit in total darkness and everytime I cough, I throw up wads (WADS!) of blood...
After recovering NEARLY from that, I went and I sat outside of Lance's door again and he opened it, finally. The pink in his hair was fading and his eyes looked like hell (bloodshot, horrified, sleep-depraved) and I said "Can I come in, bunny?"
He frowned. He said, "I really want it."
And I just looked up at him.
"So if I let you in, we'll just do it and I'll feel bad and you'll turn crazy." He smiled a little.
I shrugged, and we had sex. It was nice, not rough like the first time or awkward, and not giggly like the second. More so like the kind of passion and love you expect, and I felt great for two days afterwards.
Then came the dream, not so much a rape dream as a conceptualists dream...I don't know what it means...Lance, sitting near my bare chest and stomach, watching me with head in hands and intent eyes. "It'll be gorgeoues," He says, "Absolutely lovely." And I kept laughing and asking what. He beckoned something in the darkness away, and a hand with a scalpel cut me open, and dead, grey butterflies and moths came out of my tear and I was horrified. He smiled and said "See?" and when I woke up, I was so calm and happy.
Lance is still depressed, but he'll see me...
Sorry for the abscence...been hacking up death. I will be gone for a bit again too...My grandma's had a heart attack...needs care.
<3
JV

PS Don't get me wrong...I'm happy with my boyfriend, he's perfect and beautiful (a little dumb) but sweet too...I feel awfully monotonous, therefore most of this post is like that too...Cheers

Argh...

2006-03-03T16:54:00.000-05:00

"street corner sweetheart" was a term given to Stacie by herself and when she told me this, I decided to put it in my song, below. What got me is when I laughed (I thought it was a cute, tactful name), she grinned and said "Laugh it up, pretty boy..." and left it at that.

Otherwise, I live with Lance and his brother and mom for now, as my father said he never wants to see me or deal with me ever again...However hasty he may have been, I accept that and for the last week have been sleeping in my comfy alleyway behind the fucking 7-11....then to Lance's last night.

Cheers
JV

For Some Reason...

2006-02-19T14:16:00.000-05:00

stacie

streetcorner sweetheart
(the) streetlight (her) spotlight
cigarette ashes frozen cash
and she fades into the night

extra pretty make-up
for her extra pretty eyes
her mouth it never smiles
but was it worth the lies..?

she wants to be a movie star
not dead--in heart and mind
she wants to be a laughing spirit
not fucked--she wants to shine

her pretty powedered lipstick
and her lovely razorblades
did nothing for her sadness
she was constantly afraid

she's a faceless masochist
(this is what they say)
"no one will remember you
when you fade away"

she wants to be a movie-star
not dead--in heart and mind
she wants to be a laughing spirit
not fucked--she wants to shine

(a nameless, dreamless innocent
a victim of perversion
she found the answer *this isn't it*
drank up her diversion...)

she wants to be a movie-star
not dead--in heart and mind
she wants to be a laughing spirit
not fucked--she wants to shine

she wants to be recognized
so they will know her name
she wants to rid the sick, and doubt
and hide away her shame

she wants to be a movie star
not dead--a buried soul
she wants to find her kindred spirit
no strangers, from days ago

her pretty powedered lipstick
and her lovely razorblades
did nothing for her sadness
she was constantly afraid

stacie never wanted anything

**she's smothered thinking up a lie**

- "Stacie" by Joker

For some reason (hence the title of the post) I spent about the 6 hours before 2:30 crying my eyes out...I woke up depressed and I have NO idea why. It's possible that its because I lost my meds...but I doubt it.
I used the word "fucked" above, because I think when it comes to loveless sex, thats probably the best word for it...I don't care if couples who love eachother use it, or people who don't love eachother call it making love, it just has the SOUND of a loveless, cold word to me...so there...;)
This song was based on Stacie, my moms best girl friend in highschool (still around, still best friends with Alex, still Star's aunt etc.). She lived her life on the streets because her father used to abuse her and her mother has left them. She survived off of the money she made as a prostitute, and since she was alone (meaning, no "pimp") she was hurt a lot more by the men who hired her...Which may or may not have encouraged her lesbianism. She finds men disgusting (sounds like she's overreacting, but she had plenty reason to hate them as a whole), therefore she's a radical feminist. She was pulled out of it when she met Julie, who also went to her highschool, and they fell in love, Stacie moved in, etc.etc. Anyway, about 10 years later, I'd say, the two are married. (I mentioned it earlier)
Cheers,
JV

p.s Lance is still upset about his guitar...

Boom

2006-02-16T19:28:00.001-05:00

I've been walking through your streets
Where all your money's earned
Where all your buildings are crying
And clueless neckties working

Revolving fake lawn houses
Housing all your fears
Desenisitized by T.V
Overbearing advertising

Gods of consumers

And all your crooked creatures looking good
Mirrors filtering information through the public eye
Designed for profit sharing
Your neighbour what a guy

Modern globalization
Coupled with condemnations
Unnecessary death
Matador Corporations

Puppeting your frustrations with a blinded flag
Manufacturing consent is the name of the game
The bottom line is money and nobody gives a fuck
Four thousand hungry children leave us per hour from starvation

While BILLIONS are spent creating death showers

Why must we kill our own kind?..?
Everytime we drop the bomb.

-System of a Down

Valentines Day

2006-02-15T20:27:00.000-05:00

I was heading to my baba's on the Friday, packing my stuff and was surprised, when I discovered Lance wanted to go with me. (Not surprised because he didn't find it interesting, but surprised because he never has). He asked me, "Can I come and does your gramma know?"
And I said, "About...?"
"Us."
"Nuh-uh..."
"Why not?"
I gave him a look. "'Cause she's my baba, Lance. She doesn't need to know."
He grinned, "Someday she's going to wonder why you don't have little kids of your own running amuck, pillaging villages, spreading plagues...setting fire to government buildings......"
I threw a pair of pants at him.
I wasn't intending on telling her, not because I was ashamed, but because I didn't want her to know...I was afraid of what she'd think.
She was very, very happy to see Lance and I, so after he was asleep I told her.
It was TERRIFYING. I said, "Lance and I are dating" except it wasn't worded as well and I stuttered and blushed.
She was looking at me, and when I finished, she looked at me sternly. Then, she said, "I don't like it." and it seemed like forever until she spoke again, my heart almost fell out of my insides. "...but if it's what you want, and it makes you happy" she looked to where Lance was passed out on the couch. "then I'll learn to like it."
She smiled, and hugged me (I, still paralysed with fear) and then I went to bed.

-V-DAY-
Firstly, I woke up and it was still dark...Linkin Park's Somewhere I Belong playing faintly for some reason. I lay there, kind of confused for a while, until the song ended, and Jimmy Eat World's Polaris turned on.Then, I realize (of course) that Lance was either on the computer, or had his music on while doing something else.
So when I sit up, (*music*...can you tell me, you say that love goes anywhere...in your darkest times... *music*) I heard the water running in the bathroom beside me.
I was about to walk into the next room, and ignore it, when I heard a gurgle and I guess he spit something out.
I heard Lance say, "OH! No..." then he stuck his wet, PINK(!) head out of the bathroom door and said, "Never, NEVER drink soap!"
I don't think there was much that could have stopped me from choking on my laughter....
(*music*...i feel that when i'm old...ill look at you and know...the world was beautiful...*music*) He smiled when he saw me turn towards his computer room, and said, "It seemed oddly appropriate, eh? Plus, I like the guys vocals."
"They're like yours." I said, a little passively. His hair was flattened....triangular, sopping wet.
"And I'm great." He smiled, and went back into the bathroom.
**Thats one thing I'm infatuated by...that he can do something totally unusual...show up in pink hair, after announcing he was drinking soap and not tell me why...as if its no deal at all...**
After a while, since I couldn't go back to sleep, I changed his playlist and started listening to Rammstein and MM and moonspell.
We skipped school that day to go to the movies, and saw the original Psycho, Sorry Wrong Number (my favourite), The Birds, and Dial 'M' for Murder. Lance and I were the only "youngens" there, so it was especially fun. I love when the elderly are surprised when I exchange intelligent dialogue with someone...as if the piercings and make-up cut off the circulation to my brain...
Lance wrote me a song, too...(it was sooooo pretty...I almost cried) and we sat outside, by the Humber, talking about how much we liked eachother...getting everything off of our chests and such.
When we got back to the Wynter (Alex's cafe/bar), we screwed around with the CD system and listened to Dead Celebrity Status' and Linkin Park's unique brand of intriguing hip-hop, while we drank and ate 6 hours old left-over pancakes....A lot of bitter, loveless music, while we watched the Simpsons and laughed our asses off.
It was pretty good, but I had to avoid sex again, so I got a little angrier frustrated by the end of the night...Lance seems to take this better than I do, but I figure his first experience wasn't as good or comfortable as mine.
I finally asked him about his hair at around 9, and he told me he thought it was appropriate for the holiday...and gthat he thought it looked "faboo".
I agreed, but GOD is he weird. He's so attractive too.
I'm so in love, I think that if I think about it to hard, I will vomit. :)

<3 Hope you had a good Valentine's Day.
JV

A little chat...

2006-02-10T12:09:00.000-05:00

Lance woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me that I had been talking in my sleep.
"What did I say?" I asked him, as I stood up, on my way for the kitchen.
"It doesn't matter," He said and looked at me kind of sadly.
I went upstairs and got two cans of Diet Coke from the fridge. On my way back, I saw FRan on the couch, in her robe, watching Andromeda. She saw me, then patted the couch beside her.
"So. You always sleep in your clothes?" She frowned in a mothery sort of way.
"No. Just tired, I guess." I offered her one of the cans, but she shook her head.
"Johnny...I was thinking..."
"Thats good." I smiled and opened up a can. "Didn't pass that nifty tip to Lance, did we?"
She laughed. "I mean about your father. He seems apoligetic, and concerned."
"There are former-Nazis who are apoligetic, Fran."
"Jhohannen." She looked at me sternly. (AND said my name right. She's the best woman alive, truely.) "I know it was wrong of him to hit you. God only knows, I've had some rather...personal experiences with this kind of thing..." (referring to Lance and his dad, when I nodded, she cringed a little)"...but I can tell the difference between malice, and (let me get this straight) unjustifyable frustration. I don't think your father is the type to beat his kids."
"...Me niether."
"And you and I both know, that even if your being totally rational, and in the right, you can still be very frustrating. Your mother and you both have the same power to say little and hurt a lot."
"..." She knows how to make a guy feel guilty...she's an expert...A wife, a mother of two boys + substitute mother for 3.
"I think you have the right to be angry with him, and the right to hate him, if you want to. But I'm sure," And she looked at me, "His attempts to get to know you would be well-met with your own attempts. It'll be easier for both of you if your trying at the same time."
"I guess." I took a sip, feeling a little chewed out...I actually enjoyed the feeling, probably because I have no mom to guilt me anymore. Not that she did. But it was nonetheless a feelin ghtta made me feel loved. (And incidentially...)
"You know I love you like a son. You've known that since you were a baby, right Johnny?" She smiled, and gave me a hug. "I want you to stay here as long as you want. You don't have to see your father if you don't want to, but I implore you, please, please call him at least."
I hugged her back and shrugged. "In the morning. Before he goes to work."
She grinned. "Maybe it'll ruin his day!"
"Bingo." I winked, and went back downstairs, where Lance was nearly passed out again.
I heard him smile as I got into bed, he put his arms around my waist and mumbled,"You're dads an ass. You should live with us forever, in the land of Sex with no Consequences."
I dropped the pop on his back, and he jumped.

((Meanwhile...I got bad news about my Keith Hamilton Sob *Tyr Anasazi from Anderoma...hooooot*...He joined the cast of the Young and the Restless...Dear God WHY?))

Lance's mom is sooo smart. I don't know what I've decided to do yet, but going home now isn't one of them.
JV

WTF

2006-02-09T16:08:00.000-05:00

Holy shit, I am so fucking pissed off at my father. He says to me that he find it difficult to relate to me, why am I so distant, how come I'm not trying so hard, why am I dropping bombshells on him blah blah blah. FIRSTLY: Difficult to relate? No fucking shit...Him and his lawyer, right-wing fucker friends snickering over the Liberals and NDP while I sit in the other room (TOLD to sit in the other room...God forbid I would disturb his white Neo-Nazi friends)... SECONDLY: Me? Distant? He spent my whole life barely lifting a finger to see me, not sending us money...my mom and I: poverty stricken, him: fucking millionaire. THIRDLY: What bombshells? Is it my fault I felt like sharing a childhood horror with him? Should I have never spoken to him? I know I shouldn't have yelled...when I shared the details with him, I freaked out myself...but why is this a point against me? I felt like trusted him enough, and then he used it against me in an arguement about how I don't respect him or his authority.
I was arguing with him after some fucker hit my little sister Paris on his bike outside. When she went to the hospital, I stayed home with the other twin Pascal, and he came home, and started yelling at me about how I should have kept an eye on her. THAT WAS NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY. Sarah (my step-sister) and I made a deal, after out first decent conversation ever, that she was looking after Paris outside and I was helping Pascale with her homework inside.
NOT ONLY did she pin it on me after she ditched OUR BABY SISTER outside by herself (not baby...4, but FUCK man), but when I called her on it later, she shrugged and said "Does it really matter? Parry is going to be fine."
I love my baby sisters so much, and she had the fucking guts to blame me for Paris' first concussion. I would have hit her, had she been a boy...but I don't hit women.
This is what triggered my father yelling at me. I told him, "Joel, Sarah said she was going to look after her, not me."
And he said, "You should have been watching her anyway."
So I said, "Because Sarah's unreliable?"
And he started getting mad at me. "No, because its your duty." (Which, when he left, he gave us BOTH the instructions to watch them."
Anyway, its escalated into him blaming me for it, telling me that if I don't respect the people in the house I should get out, telling me to stop telling disturbing "STORIES" about my childhood, and to let go of the fact that he didn't love my mom. He tried to finish by yelling that if I'D been in the house when my mom was killed, maybe that would have prevented it. (Excuse me? Blaming ME for the death of my mother?????)
And when I said it was bullshit, he told me to keep my language in check around my other sister (who looked upset, sitting on the couch, curled up). I told him that I would voice my opinions when I wanted and how dare he blame me and he finished the whole thing by punching me.

Left, ended up at Eric, he drove me to Lance, we smoked up, and I borrowed his laptop to vent this...
Holy SHIT
JV

Running out of Titles...

2006-02-08T14:40:00.000-05:00

Last night, I woke up at around 2, finding that I was still alone...I heard Lance typing furiously in the next room, and once he saw me sit up, he beckoned me over.
He was taking to Allen. The gist of the conversation was that his father came back from the hospital at around 8 that night, and that he'd made a date with one of the nurses. Lance and him were exchanging angry single-parent dating stories...Even though Mr. Narayan (Fran's boyfriend...once again, Fran is Lance's mom) is really nice, Lance doesn't like that his mom is dating. (**Its weird for me too, because when Lance's parents got divorced when we were 6, neither of us remember her dating again till now)

Eventually, after we took turns comforting our crazy mute-buddy, we got into bed and started making out, again. I think I was pressuring him again, I wasn't even thinking about my temporary vow of celibacy. Again, he stopped me, this time, by rolling off of me and saying "Oh boy..."
I asked, "What?"
And he propped himself and smiled at me. "You're doing it on purpose, now, J."
I hadn't really thought about it, but I think he was right. I blushed.
"You know I want you..." He said. He closed his eyes and I kissed him on the cheek. "But if you get me to a point where I don't want to stop, its not fair for either of us. I don't want to be selfish...especially accidentially...y'know?"
"I guess."
"I'm worried about you, and I won't like it."
"Eh?"
"I mean..." He winked. "I'd like it, but not the after stuff. The cautions.."
"Precautions. I know."
He hugged me, and sighed a little...I think he's been feeling bad lately. He went back on the computer, and I fell asleep, sexually frustrated and a little concerned...
Also, I think I am doing it, subconciously...Leading him on...I think my inner brain wants sex, but my outer brain knows its a dumb idea. O_O

Boooooring...
JV

Some title...

2006-02-07T10:02:00.000-05:00

I've noticed my father thinking a lot, staring blankly at his laptop for hours and hours, typing nothing, reading nothing, clicking nothing. Even at the dinner table (when I show up), he stared off into space until his food is cold and the reply to anything, whether statement, question or other, is "Uh...? Uh...Yeah."
The interesting part is, I found his old yearbook, and while flipping through the Niners section, found a picture of my mom, right next to Alex, and couple spaces down from Star's aunt Stacie...Stacie and Alex being her two best friends since gradeschool and before.
There were all the classic autographs, some at the front, some at the back, but for some reason most of them were scribbled across the faces of whoever wrote them. My moms, for example "You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, she is beautiful because you love her.", one of her all-time favourite quotes, underlined a couple of times with a spidery heart beside it.
Or Alex's, cold and meaningless: "Have a good summer. A.Whitman"...I can imagine the pain my mom submitted him to just to make him sign her boyfriends yearbook...he hated my dad, still does and always will...
A bunch of others, phone numbers etc...and a little comment from a girl named Lisa, who he was apprently sleeping with.
I asked him about it. I said, "Joel, did you cheat on mom?"
And he sighed and said, "It was a long time ago." but he didn't answer my question.

My biggest grievance with him is that he knew she had a baby, and in 16 years, never called, saw my face or even asked Alex about me. If I knew that I had a baby, even if I didn't want to take responsibility (though I would), I would want to know...if not for compassion, for curiousity's sake.

After I asked him, it was quiet, but for the buzzing of the laptop and the T.V's low volume. I stared a little bewilderedly at the carpet, and then back to the page, where I saw my moms face smiling up at me. (It's a little crazy how with short hair, and a baggy t-shirt, she looks almost exactly like me).
My little sister Pascale (might have been Paris...they look almost the same) wandered in and sat on the couch, with a stack of cookies...She's sooo friggin' cute. Her and I looked at eachother, and she smiled.
My dad got up, in the meantime, grabbed his keys and said, "Jhonen" (omfg) "Take a drive with me?"
(When I told Lance about this, later, he asked if my dads original intentions were to take me out back and shoot me :p)
Grudgingly, I accepted, but sat in the backseat without a seatbelt (I know, I'm such a rebel...I J-Walk too).
We drove out to the cemetary, with only a few words spoken, mostly about the songs on the radio and which bands I liked now...He asked about my next gig, but I didn't answer.

We stopped outside, I was kind of half-leaning out the window, with my eyes closed and he said, "I wish I was there. I really do." I opened up one of my eyes (the good one, the other one hurts like a bitch) and looked at him, "And I'm sorry."
He stretched his legs out across the passenger seat and clasped his hands in his lap. "I wish that all those *horrible* things didn't happen to you, and I know you thought I never took an interest in you, but I did. I called Marina" (my baba's first name)"but she wouldn't tell me anything...I guess Yoshie didn't want to hear from me."
I couldn't maintain silence. "What the hell are you talking about?" leaving a ringing almost-silence, surrounded in AC/DC - Thunderstruck. "You could have tried harder." I sniffed, and closed my eyes again.
"I know," He said. "I know I shouldn't have taken off, but I was scared. And to tell you the truth, I didn't love her as much as she loved me."
Ouch. I frowned.
"Yoshie was so smart back then...and remember John" (wtf omfg, I was getting so mad) "I was basically your age."
"I'm not going to knock up a girl and leave her." (I found this a little funny, and regretted saying it immediately after because I'm in a gay relationship...)
He sighed. "I was a different guy. And I'm sorry I missed your growing up, but I think it went well...kind of."
"Kind of?"
"I mean, you're the same as her. So much that it scares me sometimes."
"Scares you?" (My voice was getting louder for each two-word sentence).
"I just mean you grew up well-enough without me."
"If you were there, she wouldn't have died."
"..."
I stepped out of the car, and lit up a smoke. Since my throat was dry, though, it burned. (I found it funny then, for some reason)
He stuck his head out the side of the car. "Just take the apology...You don't have to accept, but I've said all I can say. I want to get to know you now, while I have the chance."
"I won't take it now." I knew he was trying, but it was annoying me.
"Like, for example" He started, and I smiled kind of, "Whats your favourite colour?"
"Black."
"Band?"
"stutterfly."
"John, I think we should talk more." (I HATE the name John)
"Joel, I think you should learn my name."
"Why won't you call me dad?"
"Thats the stupidest question I've ever HEARD." I put out my smoke, and leaned against the car more. I could feel an anxiety attack starting, so I grabbed my chest.
"Alright." He sat back in the drivers seat (I'm guessing, I couldn't see at my angle)
"It's Yo-hahn-en. Or Johnny, or Jay. Not Jhonen, not John, not Johnathan."
"Okay." He sighed.

I ended up walking to Lances from there, about 6 km, because I didn't want to ride in the car with him. I honestly think, that in a couple more conversations, I'll have vented enough that it won't be an issue anymore.
**And I think I saw the guy who mugged me last time...the one who said my name...but I might be hallucinating (??? I did it all the time when I was smaller).

Lance had very little to say last night, so we spent the night watching TV in his room, and he fiddled with a game he was making on the computer. I'm pretty sure he's more upset about the death of his favourite guitar than anything else...He's mourning its loss at an astonishingly slow rate.
He told me that my dad was a jerk, but "at least he's pretending to give a damn" and spent the rest of the night being bitter and sarcastic.
He's sooo uncool when he's like this, but I give it to him, mainly because he puts up with me.
I slept alone, but in his bed, because he stayed up all night playing with his game and comparing it to the code used for the original Doom. (My favourite PC game EVER)

And Star and her boyfriend broke up...and Fran (Lance's mom) is still going out with this doctor fellow, Mitul. He's really cool. ;)

Phew
JV

Quick Self Portrait

2006-01-31T22:37:00.000-05:00

And yeah, it kind of looks like I'm throwing up...and I have red wings. It was for a art project, a proposal of a figurative self-portrait...if I can find Lance's, I'll upload it. It's bad, but remember chillens', a self-portrait.
Thats how my hair and make-up look now, and Lance suggested that since I'm predominately online for my Mr. Death account, I could add a death-y element.
I'm throwing up what I feel, bloody, confusing, maybe beautiful? I don't know how it'll be interpreted.
It'll be a painting, I hope...and better.
Cheers
JV

arr....

2006-01-31T18:08:00.000-05:00

I had to tell my father: I sat down at our huge-ass dinner table, just me, and him typing on his laptop. I told him "Turn off the laptop and listen, okay?"
And he sighed (don't blame him, expected a sarcastic comment or a rant about how much I hate him and his fucker-bitch harpie of a wife...who isn't actually that bad, I guess), flipped it down halfway and said, "Yes, Johnathan?"
And I had planned on being tactful, inferring and understanding....How would you feel, after days and weeks of planning and gathering up the courage to talk to your estranged father about a childhood trauma you needed help and he turns to you and calls you the wrong name?
So he caught himself: "Oh" (embarassed) "I'm so sorry...Jhonen.." (Thats not my bloody name either).
I put my head in my hands, sighed real big, and said, "There's something I wanted to tell you, because its been eating me and stresing me and making my life slightly more fucking miserable."
He frowned. "Yeah?"
I took a huge breathe, and my heart felt like it was ripping out of my chest...
I said, "When I was seven, my homeroom teacher raped me." But I guess I didn't say it loud enough. So he asked me to repeat myself, and I yelled, "He fucked me, okay? I was so small, and he fucked me."
He stared at me, and I'd never seen tears in his eyes before, but I did then. He put a hand over his mouth and said, "...when..?"
"While you weren't there...Back when you didn't know I existed." I swallowed, and suddenly felt guilty. "It was after school, my first detention, okay? He made me suck him off and raped me in...other ways...and I felt like shit about it. He hit me."
"And...Yoshie?" (My mom).
"She cried a lot." I started to get up (NOT feeling better like I thought I would.)
He put his head in his hands and cried, really quietly. "Jesus Christ."
So I left, stepped outside (it was wet and dark), and froze all the way to Lance's, on the subway and all the way from Bloor to Annette.

The weirdest, scariest and maybe best thing about it all was that I felt awful...the same way I felt with my mom when I told her...but obviously I didn't swear at her and tell her the grotesque and frankly horrifying details...
He cried for me, and I felt like he cared. For the first time. The first time e.v.e.r.

So I went to Lances, walked in and almost immediately hit the sack, pulling on my hair and crying. Lance smiled when I lay down on his bed, and hugged me until I drifted off to nightmare land. When I woke up, I caught my breathe and grabbed him, and for some reason was surprised that he was still there.
I went upstairs, I felt like screaming and I sat in the living room with all the lights off and the T.V off until I heard Lance yawn from downstairs and say my name.
I went downstairs, streaky and kind of smiling and we started kissing, and almost, ALMOST ended up back "there", but he stopped me, even though I really wanted to (not just my man parts, my head, my heart were aching in good ways and bad, literally painful ways). He put a hand on my face and kind of softly shoved me away and said "It's not a good time yet...So just wait. Trust me, you'll think so too."
I guess I was mad, at the time, but when he "excused himself" from the room (to do something by himself *ahem*), he said something that made me laugh. He winked, and said "So I'll be back in 5...10 minutes?" then looked at my pants, ( I hadn't thought to cover...it's Lance, I never do!) "10, eh?" and shut the door behind him.

Good 24 hours, bad 24 hours? I don't know...I feel indifferent. But not neutral...just...weird.
Sorry...
JV

The Trip

2006-01-30T15:33:00.000-05:00

Lance and I spent the way there curled up in the back of Eric's car, with Star and Ellin curled up on the otherside. We listened to AC/DC, and Allen sat up front, gazing into the front view mirror, and occasionally glancing back to look at Ellin...Poor Tom squished in between Allen and Eric, reading fashion mags and running up a HUGE bill on his cellphone...
We mostly ate McDonalds, and it was mostly on Eric because his father's practically a millionaire (they live a little down my dads street even, richest neighbourhood I know), and had a cooler with beer, but mostly Diet Coke and Pepsi.
The scenery was mostly highway and boring trees, and holy shit it was FUCKING COLD (when we got out)!
We dropped Lance off at the College first, then went over and had dinner somewhere somewhat respectable.

The next day, we went to Quebec City and went to see the Basillica du St. Anne, WHICH you may recall I wrote about in a very very early post...the last time I was there, I was with my mom. We didn't take the inside tour, partly because I was wearing my devil hat, so we proceeded to the Chateau. I did some drawing while overlooking the St. Lawrence, and then on Sunday we started back...

12 Hours, it took...which is fucking unnatural! So we got back at like 3 in the morning, and we all crashed in Eric's basement and skipped school today. ;)

JV
It was boredom in a whole new place.

Montreal

2006-01-27T11:34:00.000-05:00

The bunch of us are taking a road trip to Montreal, and hope to be there in time for the University Orientation...Lance is planning on going there....
(Bunch of us meaning Allen, Eric, Ellin, Star, me, Lance and Tom (a boy I met at my Catholic School...some kids gave him a hard time for being gay and once he FINALLY told his parents, they transferred him to my new school...cheesy. And he's the best comedian I've ever met!))
So cheers, and again I'm sorry. I really, really, suck. But haven't been on a road trip in a long time.

JV

p.s And I told Allen that if he can speak, he should try to. It might help all of his pent up anger (ei. another way to let it out, not breaking stuff etc). So he shook his head, and then the next day he walked over to me, and leaned in real close to my ear and SAID "I'll try."
;)

Over Coffee

2006-01-25T21:27:00.000-05:00

(...I walk into Second Cup, and Lance is already sitting there, folding napkins oragami style, with our orders in front of him. Everything on the table had been totally straightened, because when he's nervous, his obsessive perfectionist side takes over).
Me: ...Um, hi. (I didn't sit down. AW-Kward.)
Him: Um. Hi.
Me: ....(I sit down.)
Him: (puts down his swan) Are you okay? (motions to my arm and head)
Me: Uh-huh. How about you?
Him: You know I'm still really mad at you. (straightened the top of the napkins so they match)
Me:...(I got up)
Him: Sit. That's no biggy. Not right now. (pushes my Latte over to me)
Me: (I sit down) Um...
Him: There's a couple of things I hate about you. (sighed and turned a little pink)
Me: (I got up. I know, I'm a freak)
Him: Sit your ass down! (I sit down) I mean, I hate some things about you, but I like more than what I hate...
Me:...What?
Him: Uhm...I'm nervous. Let me start over: There are things I don't like about you, but more that I do like.
Me: Oh.
Him: But that's me and everyone.
Me:...so what do you hate?
Him: Your drugs, your self-hating, your...hair today! What is with that flippy thing?? (He reached over and batted my hair...It was sticking out weird.)
Me: Jeez. Anything else?
Him: A few. Almost irrelevant. But don't get me wrong...(smiled) I don't have enough time to list all the things I do like about you. The world would end first.
Me: Or you'd die.
Him: Yeah.
Me: (I think I blushed a little. So NOT goth. lol)
Him: So you were alright yesterday? Your dad called my mom. And I saw you yelling at a group of Scientologists.
Me: Um...yeah. Scientologists?
Him: Yeah.
Me: Hmm.. (I have no fucking clue. I'll take his word for it)
Him:...
Me:...
Him:...
Me:...uh...
Him: Honestly...do I freak you out? (sips his black coffee)
Me: Sometimes. Or do you mean about that thing last week?
Him: (cut eye) Sometimes? I meant last week.
Me: I don't think so. I'm fucking ill remember?
Him: Sure. but if you are, I am. So we're ill together.
Me: (face)
Him: I think it would help if you told your dad. Or talked to my mom. Or let someone know you trust. I mean, you told me, and that was alright.
Me:...Yeah.
Him: Did it help when you told me?
Me:...Sort of. Like it was farther away. (Some nervous hand gesture)
Him:...I don't want to break up with you.
Me: (I kind of choked a little, so I didn't reply)
Him: Uhm...I mean, I don't.
Me: Yeah...I don't want to either. Unless you want to.
Him: I just said...
Me: Uhm...yeah. (sip. It was awful, unmixed. Like hot water with Chai)
Him: It'd be stupid to let this break us. 'Cause I was upset, but its not my fault, or your fault, and you need someone you like to help you and you like me you said...and we...uh...i think we work together, i really do and i--Me: (interuppting) You're babbling.
Him: ...yes. Sorry. I mean I love you. And I like being with you. And I don't care if we have sex or make out or even if we never ever touch eachother...
Me: You're doing it again.
Him: Fuck you, you get what I'm saying.
Me: Yeah...but you'd be awfully frustrated.
Him: Uh-huh, you too, though. I think. Unless your asexual as you claimed before.
Me: I WISH. But no...I mean, I want to, but not now.
Him: (leans over) Of course not now, the tables not big enough and people are staring.
Me: Tshh...You dig it?
Him: Yeah. Of course. (He kissed me) So your still my boyfriend? And you don't hate me?
Me: If you'll permit it.
Him: Only because I'm so accepting. (We stood up.)
Me:...
Him: And when did people start saying "dig it" again?
Me: They didn't. I did.
Him: Hmm...
Me: (whistling "Living Dead Girl")
Him: Will you stay at my house? You can sleep in the laundry-room. (*this is what we call the room with the extra bed in the basement, across the floor from Lance's room...there's a folding table in it. This is my almost permanent residence everytime I was over)
Me: ...Sure.
Him: ...
Me: I'm sorry.
Him: You'd better be. (smirked) But I don't really blame you. It's not your fault. But I'm tired of your drug binges. Those poor Scientologists...
Me: Were there really Scientologists?
Him: Hell, not anymore. They probably packed up and went to Hamilton. Too scared of you.
Me: I feel sick.
Him: I know. Me too.
Me: You know what I hate about you?
Him: Yes: Dyslexia? That I always copy off you in Math?
Me: and English and Science and History. Yeah. But thats not what I meant?
Him: So what? My--
Me: Stop guessing. Let me tell you.
Him: Shoot.
Me: When I hurt your feelings, it hurts my feelings.
Him: Ahhh...Your moment of weakness?
Me: I guess.
Him: (long sigh) I love you. But its hard to deal with you.
Me: Yeah, well your no cake-walk.
Him: Well yeah, I can't eat cake. That's precisely why.
Me: (kissed him *sweat*)
Him: Alright. Don't get me riled up.
(We both giggled a little awkwardly, and got off at Jane station).

((I'm really sorry for the last post. I'm a fucking jackass. I was reading over it and amazed by all the stupid things I did)))
JV
P.S Why do we lie? He's to good for me. What a fucking angel. I'm a total ass and he gives me the cutest pick-up line in history. *Suicide* God.

oh GOD

2006-01-24T14:11:00.000-05:00

i must have got some reeeeaaalllly bad shit last night....my whole fucking face hurts, and my eyes feel like their going to fall out.
lance wont call me, or talk to me at school....he looks at me sometimes, over his shoulder with that "look" in his eye, but he just sighs and looks back anyway. im worried he started dating a chick again.
also, i dont think i can ever go to school again....i cried in history for no reason and my make-ups fucked...black streakies all down my face and smeared lipstick. i look like a dead whore who spent 6 years on cocaine.
fucking coke dealers are shit. i went to a different guy and got cheaper, horrible shit of death. still on a buzz and my brain feels like its turning to jello.
i spent all night eating jello.
im really nervous, but staying with my pop. he left the news on and harper won!! shit shit shit shit!! i almost broke the fucking box. what are we gonna do? he's gonna tear us apart and make us america. no more drugs for kids or marriage for gays or abortions for women or day care for single parents....
i have scratches all over my face and my box cutter went missing after i finished with it. i found it in the fridge next to the mayonaisse. i put on a pair of boots last night to go to the store and they were out of matinee ultra mild so i had to buy heavier stuff. nicotine, cocaine beer, coffee and dill pickles are not a god mix. ever. i think ive had it before and it didn't agree with me.
cheese im freaking out. i keep hearing footsteps coming from downstairs but maybe its my sister? she shouldn't be home.
lance stopped liking me, i swear to god. it never works out for johnny. god hates johnny. johnny hates johnny. i don't think he wants to make such an effort.
oh shit i left two bottles of coke in my bag. im shaking a lot too can't stop moving my hands.

EDIT my dad came home and saw there was blood all over my arms and i cried and apoligised for eating all the jello. while i was eating cashews (a WHOLE tin OMFG) i spilt salt all over my cuts and it burned like the fucking antichrist. my stepmoms upset at me and i think my dad wants to take me to the hospital. im taking off anyway, doctors scare the fuck out of me. cheerio ill be smoking at conners

In the Meantime...

2006-01-22T01:57:00.000-05:00

...I went to the Industrial part of town and picked up some more ecstasy and on the way, was forced to explain my atheistic ways to an evangelist with a baseball cap on.

I used to have a religion, I mentioned. I believed because my mother believed and that was good enough proof for me.
God loved me, she said, and did what he could to protect me from harm. If he existed, he didn't help me for shit after my mom died: even the fact that my mom died left me confused, hurt and betrayed. If God loved me, and loved her and loved all of his creatures, why did he kill her and leave me without a mother?
Afterwards, (providing he exists) why did he submit me to year of homelessness, a apathetic dad, drug addicts pawing at me, my own personal drug addiction? I don't believe in him, I really don't.
I don't care if you believe, leave me alone about it.
God should be praised for the good things and we have to blame people for the bad things? WTF?

Don't be offended by what I wrote, I didn't mean it that way. I'm just angry, and probably hopped up on something and Lance won't talk to me.

Weird dream...

2006-01-18T13:35:00.000-05:00

I had the rape dream again, even after I assumed it had gone away. It was a lot more vivid then I remember it, and I woke up angry, scared and in a cold sweat. Without even realising what I was doing, I shoved Lance away, jumped out of bed and went to sit outside.

There was more to the dream this time: the rape was more brutal and there was physical violence were there wasn't before. There were dead kids in it, dangling from something or other and a package waiting for me that said "To Johnny: on his 18th (and last) birthday)". Like everything was preordained.
I'm just feeling totally fucked up. I went to stay at Conners because I'm not sure if being close to Lance is a good idea. I'm not even sure why I hit him.
JV

...

2006-01-17T22:00:00.000-05:00

...a very lazy day.
I went to school, wrote a song in Math class, did my calculus in English, and smoked nothing but the stale cigarettes I found near Josh's (Lance's brother) dresser. Allen spent the whole day chipping off his neon nail polish, and glaring at Ellins new boyfriend, and Lance drew doodles of me and him doing inappropriate things. *ahem*
When I got to Lances, we sat, cuddled on the couch watching cartoons and Friends (Lance's secret passion), made fun of the many lousy commercials, expressed our moral outrage at the PC's anti-Liberal commericials (laughing at the Liberals burns against the PCs) then played video games for a couple of hours.
Lance took his shot, and missed, so now he's sniffing and trying not to get upset about all the little pokey marks in his arm. I fixed him a kiwi snack, and did the dishes while his mom was out on her date.
In the meantime, Star and I are doing a photoshoot tomorrow, (nude, but artistically) and her aunt (Stacie, my moms best friend in highschool and her band's second guitarist) is planning to marry her high-school sweetheart, Julie.
My baba's coming to visit us for a while, at my dad's, and my little sister's birthday(s) are/is coming up. Thats hard to work on, grammatically.... *sweat*
Cheers, cheers
JV

P.S Lance has been wearing a dress almost all day...I miss his pants. So tight. ;)

late night conversation

2006-01-14T14:11:00.000-05:00

Setting: Lance's bed
Time: Really, really late

Lance: Comfy?
Me: Kinda.
Lance: (moves)
Me: (quiet)
Lance: So...I'm sorry.
Me: I know. Me too.
Lance: (quiet)
Me: What?
Lance: You never sorry. Ever!
Me: Apoligise.
Lance: What?
Me: You meant apoligise.
Lance: Pffft..I meant what I said. Sorry.
Me: Whatever. (turn over)
Lance: You know I've known you since before you were born?
Me: Stop saying that. (he says this alot)
Lance: It's true. I think thats wonderful. We've known eachother for soooo long. (giggle)
Me: Argh. Get a grip.
Lance: (giggle again) Tee hee, I'd try, but your not hard enough. (sex joke...hope you missed it *sweat*)
Me: Jeesssuus! (hit)
Lance: Ow...Sorry.
Me: Go to sleep, fool.
Lance: Okay. One more thing?
Me: ...What? (yawn)
Lance: ...You smell like cheese, still. (sniff sniff)

omfg.
JV

Cheese

2006-01-13T21:06:00.000-05:00

I went back to school today, after my dad did some of his lawyer negotiation (because I wouldn't want to miss any school, now would I?) and I was sitting in the cafeteria with Allen (who's back too) eating the gelitin crap that always makes me throw up afterwards.
He was playing his gameboy, so didn't warn me when Lance came up behind me, and sniffed. I turned when I saw his shadow, a little quickly (because of my street smarts, shadows are not my favourite things to see) and he just stood there, holding a low grade nacho plate, overfilling a bit with melted, processed cheese. He looked like a puppy, and I wanted to apoligise (even though I still think he was wrong), but I didn't. It's my Russian blood, I swear. Instead, I turned around again and angrily crunched on my food (the jello's crunchy, no jokes). Allen looked in between us, still looking a little yellow from when he threw up behind the gym.
After about a minute (that dragged on forever), Lance says, "Johnny." and I turned around again. He hit me, right in the back of the head, said "you suck!" and poured the cheese all over me!! All over my pants, and my arms, my hair and my shirt. Then, as if a second thought, picked up Allen's, and dumped it on himself.
He says, loudly and proudly, kissing my goopy, cheesy face, "There. Now we're both covered in cheese. You can't be mad at me anymore." and sits down.

JV

Suspended...

2006-01-11T23:13:00.000-05:00

Punched a kid, and now I've been suspended...
There's a certain amount of intolerance that I can handle, dismiss with an angry shrug and a swear, but this, THIS was a big one.
I stand, by myself, in line in the cafeteria and a kid comes up with his girlfriend, and they stand directly behind me. After some giggles and whispers, the guy turns to me and asks, "You're the guy who knows that fag, right?"
So I turn to him, raise my eyebrow and say, "Which one?" Because this usually sets them off.
INSTEAD, he shrugs at me, grins and says, "The fag who's with that nigger?"
I wasn't expecting it, and before I knew it, I'd hit the kid, his nose was bleeding and I was sitting in the principles office staring at the wall.
I seriously don't remember lifting a finger, but my knuckles hurt, and Lance, the pacifist, is mad at me.
Incidentially the same thing happened to Lori ("the fag") when someone called Ian ("the nigger") that word...but he ended up getting beaten up.
I think IED is becoming a larger problem...
Anyway, I get to miss school. I'm watching the Simpsons at Conners, because, as part of my fued with Lance, I'm not staying at his house.
I am BUZZED.
JV

Assessment

2006-01-08T19:32:00.000-05:00

After doing an assessment sent to me by Ellin (she's a quiz freak!) it says:
Stability: 30%
Intellectual: 83%
Magical: 70%
Artistic: 90%
Religious: 10%
Materialism: 16%
Naricissism: 2%
Adventerousness:76%
Romantic: 70%
Self-Absorption: 10%
Individuality: 83%
Wealth: 10%
Femininity: 69%
Paranoia: 66%

Yeah....I'm not THAT paranoid.
;)
JV

(May be gone for a while, taking care of my grandmother)

cute...

2006-01-06T12:19:00.000-05:00

^^New band poster template. (used Greenday lyrics as a place holder)

"Johnny...?" (says Lance. We're sitting on his bed in the basement)"You realise I can never hit you again?" "You never hit me before." (I looked at him weird, I guess.)
"Nooo." (shakes his head) "What I mean is we can't beat eachother up...like guys do."
"Why not?"
"Cause then it would be wife battery."
(we both giggled)

-_- and he was basically serious. God help me, he's soooo cute.
Sorry, irrelevent post.
JV <3 style="font-size:85%;">

2006

2006-01-03T16:39:00.000-05:00

Started off with a bang. Pina Coladas strong enough to punch you in the brain, and enough shrimp to make you think you were drowning at sea. Honestly. We spent it at Alex's (Mr. Vodka, the man who owns the bar Wynter we gig at and my Godfather. Sheesh. The man was in love with my mom, too), the 7+1 of us: Allen, Ellin (who aren't avoiding eachother anymore), Eric and his fiancee Amy, Lance and I and of course, Alex. Plus one being his date, the ever talented Emily somethingrather...The band we replaced after she made it big.
Lance and I spent the first few hours of the New Year upstairs in my (makeshift) room, and the rest of the early morning shouting thing on the streets (don't quite recall what all was said) outside in the pitch-black with the guys (minus El-Muto).
My New Years resolutions:
1. Make Peace with my step-sister Sarah, and her Stepford Wife mom.
2. Will myself to grow another 5 inches at LEAST.
3. Spend more time with my twin half-sisters...
4. Eat 100 peeps.
Lance's birthday, she approaches. But no gift ideas come to mind. (still T minus 30 or so days till lift off) and Valentine's Day. So far, this is the only year I've had a date this particular day.

I wandered over to the graveyard again yesterday, and found myself almost paralyzed with shock: my father was already there, at her grave, with flowers. I watched him for a little while, and he was quiet, then let out a sigh and walked back towards me. When our eyes met, I felt kinda...(no words??)...like he was ACTUALLY my father, for the first time in pretty much forever. He offered to drive me home and while the radio was on low, we discussed my mom, and stuff. It was weird, but I guess a good way to start off the New Years.
Lance got me a Star Wars shirt for no reason. :) It has Darth Vader on it, and its real comfy.

<3 Happy 2006
Johnny V.

The Holidays

2005-12-29T15:05:00.000-05:00

My dad forget to get me something, which is weird, because its the first time I ever got him something.

I ended up taking Lance to the game, and they won (sweet), so that meant we had to get drunk. (It's kind of a drinking game we play O_o. Don't judge me.) The game was played rather slowly, but its fun to watch.
I spent a few hours in the cemetary the next day, and then the group of us came back to visit Allen and his aunt. Eric's proposal went smooth. Amy came back looking happy and we all went to the Wynter after that. Technically we had a gig, but Eric filled in for me 'cause I felt sick.

The rest was kind of a whir until Lance and I got home, and we had sex for the first time. I don't know how to explain what it was like, honestly, but I liked it, and nothing has changed between us as far as I can tell.
He went with my to my dede's funeral, and I cried like I haven't in a really long time. I think my whole family is dying at Christmas.

Happy New Year and other holidays,
JV

Allen and Stuff

2005-12-22T17:07:00.000-05:00

First off, Lance fell of the roof. We were sitting there, kind of kicking snow off and watching it ht the ground, and argueing about the moon stages (never you mind why). I kicked off a peice of branch and caught Lance's keys with it and they jingled as they fell. Lance leaned forward to see them for some reason (mumbling something about Santa Claus?) and kind of slid. All I did was blink, then heard a crunch as he landed. I kind of jumped down (2 stories isn't so much for either of us if your expecting it) and he was sitting there, looking at his wrist, looking awfully pale. He said, "go get my mom" and then I ran inside.
Anyhoo, his wrist was broken, rather cleanly (in the "biz", thats a good thing), and he got himself a cast ("they come in BLUE? WICKED!"), so he's happy. I was thinking about taking him to a Leafs game tomorrow.

Concerning Allen the Mute, he won't see us, but at least we knows he's okay. We went up to his room (just Lance and me, Eric's still in Kitchener with Amy), and he was blasting MM, and had glass all over his room. It was like a scene from a horror movie. His hair had some blood in it, but we deduced and it was from his arms, which were thoroughly shredded. He was crying, so we didn't know what to do. Lance sat on his bed with him and rubbed his back until Allen hugged him, and I cleaned up all the glass on the floor.
Was it meddlesome of me to call his aunt and get her to pick him up??

Eric's big escape from finding Allen: asking his girlfriend to marry him. I hope that goes well, they're both so talented. They met a music competition. The duets they do are almost tear-inducing (in a good way, not a bad way).

Happy Holidays,
JV

PS I'll be away a little bit, going to see baba, and dede's funeral is soon too. Mostly though, staying with Lance and his family.
Ian and Lori STILL married. WoW.

another time and place

2005-12-19T23:02:00.000-05:00

I've been getting more and more worried about Allen, the way he's dropped away from school, his band, society...I haven't seen him at his usual haunts, or online, or in class or at the Wynter and I find it very, very disconcerting.

Allen was born overseas, and his mother died of cancer in a nursing position before his father and him came to Canada. When he was 4, he began to talk...later than most kids, I assume, and oddly, after his mother died, he never spoke again.
His father and him own a convenience store down Lance's street.
Allen has always been loud, never speaking, but smashing, breaking, slamming, stomping and throwing. He's a lover of music, all kinds, from opera to musicals to thrash metal to techno. He goes to raves and dyes his hair, and we're just about the only friends he has.
Recently, he began dating Eric's younger sister, a really talented singer and beautiful girl, and quickly, they split up again. His father was put in the hospital and as the ambulance waited outside of his store, I heard him yell, "This is bullshit" -- the first words I have ever heard him speak, and the last time I saw him.
He's an ecstacy user, has been on suicide watch and has been living alone in his house with the broken window for almost 3 weeks now.
I worry about him, and he won't answer our e-mail messages.

--

Otherwise, I went to see my dedushka and babushka's and got some pretty awful news. My dedushka died last week. I'm so upset.

-JV

Uhhhhh....

2005-12-12T18:28:00.000-05:00

!sick sick sick sick sick!

There are times when I decide that I can't live through another 24th...the one hope is that when I go to bed on the 23rd, I sleep until the 25th...or maybe die.
It makes me sick to think that my mother has been gone for 4 years, and most of me expects her to walk through the door and take me home, smiling and telling me about all the people she met wherever she was.
It makes me sick to think that the man who stabbed her to death is probably still out there, living in my city, walking along the same streets I do, and laughing about how he got away with murder.

--

Lance and I sat on the roof tonight and threw all of the leaves off and watched them fall to the ground, laughing. It was weird, but a fun way to clean the eavesthrough. We talked about sex, again, along the same lines as the last conversation and then we talked about my mom...it was basically what the top bit says but in more detail and interuppted by me hitting something or him giggling.
He was wearing his frilly...petticoat...thinger (he confessed to his mom yesterday he was a crossdresser...Aw-Kward!) and no shoes. His hair is blue now, and mine green.
We talked about Starshine and her new beau (more on this later), Kennan, and Allen.
About Allen, I worry. He hasn't been around, not since him and Ellin split up...
And Lori and Ian are still married, I owe Lance 20$.

Also, my porn name is Johnny Hardcore. ;)
-JV

Another thing...

2005-12-11T17:16:00.000-05:00

For my pals too....I'm interested. Kind of like 7 things post...

10 Random Things About Me
10. I have light eyes and black hair...weird huh? O_o
9. I hate talking on the phone.
8. I hate celebrities.
7. I hate the word "shrimps"
6. I'm a maple leafs fan.
5. I recently bought an AIDS bracelet.
4. *Watching the episode of the Simpsons where they become the Thompsons.
3. I'm eating jellybeans.
2. I'm out of lead in my pencil.
1. I can speak Russian. ;)

8 Things I Want to do Before I Die
8. Meet and have sex with Tyr from Andromeda. (yuuum)
7. Get another tatoo on my hip bone.
6. Be a famous painter.
5. Have one great single with "Joker"
4. Visit the UK.
3. Punch Eric. If only he weren't 20 feet tall....*shakes fist*
2. Lighten up.
1. Hopefully stay with Lance.

7 Ways To Win My Heart
7. Smart, interesting conversations.
6. Won't mind swimming or lying outside, naked, talking about deep stuff.
5. Like awesome music.
4. Be confident.
3. Patience with my rants.
2. Don't take me seriously when I rant.
1. Hug me, even if I don't ask.

6 Things I Love To Do
6. Swim nekkid. ;)
5. Hang out with friends.
4. Smoke mary-jane and tape the convos. we have.
3. Make out at movies (degenerate youngsters!!)
2. Paint
1. Sing, play the guitar/keyboard/violin.

5 Things I?m Afraid Of
5. Spiders
4. Spending more time on the streets.
3. Simpsons going off the air.
2. Lance deciding he's better off without me. (So far, I've tricked him).
1. ???

4 Of My Favorite Items In (My) Bedroom **Lance's for now.
4. Warm, sexy bed.
3. Warm, sexy couch.
2. The mirror Lance checks out his dresses in.
1. Computer.

3 Things I Do Everyday
3. Wake up. (Damn)
2. Sigh constantly.
1. Kiss Lance's cheek.

2 Things I?m Trying To Do Right Now
2. Watch the Simpsons episode where Mr. Burns loses his teddy bear, Bobo.
1. Finish this.

1 Person I Want To See Right Now
1. Fuck man, he's sitting beside me.

And next time, it will be a rant.
JV <3>

Alright...

2005-12-08T11:16:00.001-05:00

Lance "commisioned" me to do this...so I kicked him off the computer and here she is:

Name: Johnny Valentine
Birthday: October 30th
Birthplace: Hamilton
Current Location: Toronto
Eye Color: blue
Hair Color: black
Height: 5'4
Right Handed or Left Handed: Left
Your Heritage: Russian/English
The Shoes You Wore Today: New Rock Boots
Your Weakness: Nothing. I'm all man baby. (All man at 5'4)
Your Fears: Spiders, getting arrested
Your Perfect Pizza: "bacon, garlic, extra crust ^^" <-- same as Lance
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: no ideas. years almost over anyway.
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: "beat it"
Thoughts First Waking Up: Oh God I'm still alive.
Your Best Physical Feature: probably my girlish good looks. *die*
Your Bedtime: Whenever.
Your Most Missed Memory: Readin with my mom.
Pepsi or Coke: Coke
MacDonalds or Burger King: MD
Single or Group Dates: w/e
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: both suck noodle
Chocolate or Vanilla: chocolate
Cappuccino or Coffee: coffee, black
Do you Smoke: yep
Do you Swear: all the time, motherfucker.
Do you Sing: yeah.
Do you Shower Daily: when i think to.
Have you Been in Love: think so ;)
Do you want to go to College: University
Do you want to get Married: no.
Do you belive in yourself: never. unless its something dumb.
Do you get Motion Sickness: yeah.
Do you think you are Attractive: no
Are you a Health Freak: no.
Do you get along with your Parents: the living ones no.
Do you like Thunderstorms: to death.
Do you play an Instrument: a few. keyboard, piano, violin, guitar,
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: oh yeah.
In the past month have you Smoked: im smoking right now.
In the past month have you been on Drugs: yeah.
In the past month have you gone on a Date: yeah.
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: not in almost a year.
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: half. Lance ate the other half. It took us almost a week.
In the past month have you eaten Sushi: Yum.
In the past month have you been on Stage: last night
In the past month have you been Dumped: no. O.O
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: last month. this month no.
In the past month have you Stolen Anything: i don't know.
Ever been Drunk: yeah.
Ever been called a Tease: yeah.
Ever been Beaten up: constantly. but i beat back harder. the system works.
Ever Shoplifted:yeah.
How do you want to Die: on a grand scale, so people go "aww, i knew that guy. im sorry i was mean to him. also, he was sooo handsome" lol sure.
What do you want to be when you Grow Up: painter
What country would you most like to Visit: Japan, where i will proceed to kidnap one of their singers.

In a Boy/Girl..Favourite Eye Color: blue
Favourite Hair Color: w/e
Short or Long Hair: w/e
Height: tallers the best i can hope for.
Weight: i dont care.
Best Clothing Style: something cute.
Number of Drugs I have taken: 4: ketamine, ecstacy, cocaine, marijuanna
Number of CDs I own: 2. i used to have more.
Number of Piercings: 15
Number of Tattoos: 1
Number of things in my Past I Regret: almost everything

Now, I want chase, deborah, 2sons and E (random any0ne?) to do this.
But whatever
JV

Random crap....

2005-12-05T17:18:00.000-05:00

Lance and I sat on the roof last night watching our breath...for some reason if you concentrate on it hard enough, it becomes rather entertaining. We were holding hands. Well, I was holding his mittened hand...Lance likes to wear mittens, see?
We were eating cold stew, left overs from the mini-celebration dinner we had for Ian and Lori's engagement...this was Lance's mom (hereby after refered to as "Fran")'s formal thing before we had our drunken, teenage to early twenties bash down at the Wynter. (Ian's about 3 years older than Lori...making 21 and 24, methinks...and then there's the band, ranging 14-19). We had tea, unsweetened, as is my fate when hanging around with Lance, and I heard him rave about the twinkie he had had in the morning. (see http://lmaitland.blogspot.com/)
We sat there for a few hours until the Canadian winter winds burned, then numbed my fingers and then we went and sat in his room. My dad called, and I spoke to him briefly until Lori accidentially unhooked the phone, and I didn't bother calling him back. I slept rather pleasantly last night, with my head all cushioned and woke up smelling Lance's neck, and cologne. It was very, very hot.
sigh
JV

Sleeping

2005-12-04T13:38:00.000-05:00

I can't stop sleeping lately.
Which confuses me, because I have always hated sleeping, and have always woken up feeling vulnerable, violated and angry.
My dreams are awful, and I keep waking up angrier than usual.

When I was 7 years old, my grade school teacher raped me, and when I told my mom, she just cried and cried. She cried for a whole week, almost non-stop and she slept beside me all night. I didn't get it. It was awful, and disgusting, but teachers told me what to do and I was supposed to listen to them.

This is what I keep dreaming, over and over and over, and its driving me nuts. But when I get dizzy, and I HAVE been dizzy, I want to sleep, and when I want to sleep, this is what I keep dreaming, for days now. Thinking back, it makes me want to be sick, but I wish so much that I hadn't made my mother cry.
Or Lance for that matter. I told Lance about it yesterday and he cried on me for almost an hour.
Medically speaking, I wish I could talk to a doctor, but when I mentioned my rape to my doctor ten years ago, he told me I was making it up, and advised that my mother let me watch less T.V.

Vented, sorry.
<3
-JV

Sunday

2005-11-16T20:57:00.000-05:00

I'm sick of Sundays... death days, birthdays, mug days...

I was mugged again, just last Sunday, around midnight (so maybe Monday, who cares?). Walking down Queen alone, I got hit on the back of the head, my wallet was stolen and I was left sitting there in a pile of garbage bags, blinking, trying to figure out what the fuck happened. When I got up, I started feeling where on my arm the cigarette had fallen and left a burning, ash-y hole. My head was throbbing, and spinning, so I back down.
I eventually got to the subway, and the subway guy told me to go to the hospital 'cause the back of my head was bleeding.

What is wrong with people?? I don't even have any money, and I'm still target # 1.

On the plus side, missed three days of school (today included) and may miss more.

Vented,
J.V

Oh, Hallowe'en...

2005-11-05T22:39:00.000-05:00

We got high two nights in a row...the 30th (happy birthday to me) and the 31st.
Lance changed his costume idea at the last minute--and went out as a French maid, and I threw on a Pink Floyd tee and called myself a stoner. The worst thing to happen all weekend: I ran out of smokes thirty minutes after all the stores closed, and went without them for about 3 hours. (cry)
As for my birthday (I got off track), my gramma and granpa came in and stayed with us until Tues. They seemed a little disappointed by my "state of being" but were anything but angry. At least someone laughed at my grandpa's stories (they all suck and none of them are true).
Later on that night, Lance took me out and we went to see a movie with a lot of gore. With the theatre nearly empty, we got to make out in public, and nothing is better than that. ;)
Wow, my writings so terrible.
I'm still high.
<3<3<3<3<3
Johnny

On the Birds and the Bees...

2005-10-30T17:33:00.000-05:00

This has always been an awkward subject for me, sex. I hate discussing it with other people, I even feel guilty thinking about it. I can't watch much porn, I can't handle videos or pictures of people having sex and the whole act itself scares the hell out of me. I'm not sure if its my mom's radical feminism, sexual assault attempts, maybe even my sexuality. But logically, none of that had any effect on my sexuality, so I'm not sure why it should effect my wantings to have sex either.
I talked to Lance about this, who, like a typical teenage boy, thought I was crazy. After he stopped taunting me and pretending to "turn me on", he said that I should talk to a psyciatrist, maybe and that he'd wait as long as I had to.
Am I insane or something or is this random insecurity?

...

2005-10-25T20:21:00.000-04:00

What a strange and wondrous weekend we had.
It was like magical fairy happy land...But the fairies were Lance and I and the happy was drunk. :)
WE did our gig at the Wynter, as usual, and Eric left early to go see his girlfriend, as usual, and Ellen came to see us as usual, and Allen chickened out on seeing her as usual and snuck away in utter (no pun intended, Mute Boy) silence. That left me and Lance, and we sat in the dusty back of the bar with our non-legitimate drinks (considering our ages) and we discussed my birthday plans. I figured all would go well as long as no one died,but apparently by happy, Lance meant something better than that. :p
We talked about the "birds and the bees" but decided to wait on that for a while. No details necessary...it was a little awkward anyway.
I think we settled on video gaming, and some freaky hallowe'en stuff.
See? Nothing interesing ever happens.
-JV

EDIT: Wow...I forgot,but Lori and Ian are got engaged. I know they like eachother and all,but they're the Kings of on and off relationships.We have a bet running. We're so cruel :).

http://lmaitland.blogspot.com -- Lance got himself a blog too...in case you didn't see his reply to my last rant. He's like me, but happy and dumb. Enjoy, monkies.

omg

2005-10-19T16:42:00.000-04:00

Lance and I were having a small arguement today at lunch.
See, I've been wanting to tell people (and bugging him about this for a while) that we're going out. Our friends and bandmates don't know, and I thought that they should: they're our BEST friends. On my side of the arguement, I pointed out, "We're not telling the whole school or anything, just the people we trust!"
On HIS side of the arguement, "What if they don't take it well? We've never discussed anything remotely like this with them!"

So finally, today, I was hoping to put it to rest. I approached him, where he was sitting with his head on the table, buried in his arms, and I sat down and said, "You win. We don't have to tell anyone."
He looked up at me and frowned (he had marker ALL over his face! This is how you know he slept in Math) and said, "I'm an asshole, aren't I?"
"Yeah," I said, "but we all are." (A JOKE!)
And then he jumped up on the table and yelled, "Hey everyone!" (I was mortified, I nearly dived under the table) "I'm gay! I love Johnny and if you don't like it, go fuck a pig!" Then he plopped down beside me and gave me a kiss on the mouth.

So we both win. I guess. I can't write when there's dialogue, I apoligise for the shit-tacular way this was done. :p
-JV

<3

I Complain...

2005-10-16T20:41:00.000-04:00

A few months ago (I'll give it May? June?) I was mugged in an alleyway near the place I was doing my gig at. I had just left, left Lance standing in anger/confusion, finished my yelling and willed to never see him again. I was embarrased. He had said "Do you still love me?" and I thought he was teasing. So I left, I stomped off the other way with thoughts of violence and maybe suicide in my head when I stepped into a dark alleyway to have a break, to pull out a smoke. I heard a rustle,and shrugged it off. It was late, it was probably a homeless guy or a raccoon nearby. Of course I was wrong. I heard more muffled voices, and suddenly the sharpest, worst pain I could ever imagine in my side. MY shirt was sticking to my ribs with something, and I felt like screaming, but I couldn't. A gloved hand came up and waved in front of my eyes and I heard, "Nah, he's still awake." and then I blacked out. My last few thoughts were that I was going to die, and I didn't seem that sad about it. I was just mad that it hurt so bad.
I woke up in a few weeks, with beeping and white noise all around me, and it turned out a couple of guys who SHOULD be in prison, had stabbed me, and that my right lung was punctured by a rib that had broken when the guy had stabbed me.

So my REAL complaint here is that I am tired, out of beer, out of smokes, I have a headache and I can't breathe right. Even worse, I didn't see the guy who did it, but he knew my name. O_o

Enough bitching, sorry :P
-Johnny V

7 Things Post...

2005-10-14T22:05:00.000-04:00

...because I was backed into the "Corner of Kindness". ^_^

7 Things I plan to do before I die:

- Eat 100 peeps. Yeah, I know, but shut up. It's always been a dream of mine.
- Display my art somewhere other than the School's Pity Art Show.
- Get married, adopt kids, maybe. (Married to a boy, we're allowed to do that up here.)
- Kill the guy who invented the "Goldfish" Jingle.
- Watch the Police Academy Movies, all 5+.
- Go to college, get a degree in something and rub it in some jerks face that I'm smarter. ;)
- Own a small, european country. I'll name it after Lance's dog, Angelus. <3

(Remember kids, aim low. Aim REAL low.)

7 Things I can do:
- Throw a brownie at a kid standing over 25 meters away. (boo-yah!) (It actually hit him, too. Right in the back of the head. :D)
- Beat Final Fantasy 7 in less than 24 hours.
- Go out for Hallowe'en and get treated like a kid, 'cause of my height.
- Make an adult cry.
- Photograph things well...Errrrr...I'm running out.
- Hold my breathe for almost 5 minutes.
- Acrobatically drop a box-cutter so that it somehow cut my shoelace in half. (It makes me so proud.)

7 Things I cannot do:

- Kill a man with my bare hands.
- Police work. I can never get into that :p
- Take care of a goldfish.
- Stay interested in anything for more than 20 minutes.
- Suicide. This cares me shitless. :p
- Break up with someone I like.
- Run for too long (my right lungs still healing :p)

7 Things that attract me to people:

- Curvature... Something about how their waist feels when they lie down, when you're running your hand over it. (*is not crazy, I swear)
- Hip bones. I find these sexy, for some reason. Don't ask why.
- Eyes. This is once I get to know a person. Lance has a shade of green in his eyes that I've never ever seen anywhere else. It's beautiful.
- Personality. This is a definite one. And this counts people who have opinions about things, have some sort of cause for something.
- Humor. No sense of humor, no second date. IT scares me to think that there are some people who are just born without a personality.
- Clothing. This doesn't sway my opinion of a person, but I do like the certain eclectic look on some people. A lot of peopls's personality is obvious by the way they dress.
- Confidence. I love a man/woman with confidence. Someone who isn't afraid to stand up for something, or to just yell out something for no reason.

7 Things I say most often: (Cover your virgin ears!)

- "Oh no God, oh fuck no." - This is an age-old tradition in my house when things go wrong: When I've dropped something, failed something, broken something, forgotten something, blown something or hurt someone. In the occasional instance, I've even said it after I've heard something bad, not the thing that the person who told me wants ot hear after they said their mom died, but nonetheless, the Man-of-No-Tact previals.
- "Don't make me come back there." At first a joke, now a threat.
- "If you don't stop [something annoying], I'll [creative, violent,statement] - This is self-explanitory.
- "Shoo." My substitute for the word "shit". I don't know why. Errr...
- "I'm sorry." I apoligise a lot to people I like/don't know.
- "Screw Bush. Screw the whole damn country!" I don't mean it. I love America, just not American gov't. I'm an angry political guy.
- "[random french creative swear]". I dunno...Picked this up from my mum.

7 Celibrity Crushes- (teehee)

- Keith Hamilton Cobb (yum yum)
- Johnny Depp (derr....)
- Gakuto Camui (*hot*)
- Alicia Keyes (^_^)
- Matt Damon
- Marilyn Munroe
- I can't think of any more. :(
And also, my images won't stay put where they're supposed to.

--
As you can tell, I lead a boring life. Go back to sleep, children. :p
- Johnny V.

Autumn

2005-10-12T20:05:00.000-04:00

When the leaves start to fall, thats when my overall mood improves. When my sarcastic sighs and angry scowls actually lighten up a bit, and instead of punching someone, I will dismiss them with a "Screw you" and the middle finger. These are the golden times, people. When instead of whipping a cupcake at someone, I'll give it to Lance in exchange for apple sauce (a very autumn-y food) and whip that at someone instead.
My birthday approaches, and the ground is covered in brightly coloured death--my time to shine. The happiest time of the year, what with Turkey Day and Hallowe'en and Devil's Night (my b-day incidentially) and now the month in which I finally got my Lance holding my hand in public.
Autumn begins the process of death, which turns into the cycle towards life, and I think there's something oddly beautiful about it.

My mother and I would walk in the leaves, and kick them around, and be complained at because we refused to rake our lawn. The way the air smells, like fireplaces and how its cold, but not too cold, or cold enough to make you angry and bitchy all the time. Even when I was a kid, and Lance would shove leaves down my shirt and run like a girl the other way, that was beautiful too. (Well, it would be, if he stopped doing it, even now). I like how quickly the day falls to night, and the photos you can get of urban October are simply fantastic. Last night, we perched on top of the roof together and didn't say a word all night. It was so nice.
Anyway, on to business, enough stupid poetry talk: We've decided to go out for Hallowe'en again this year, cause I can still pull it off. (Hurray malnutrition!!) I'm thinking about being a pirate. :S. Anyway, we all decided on seperate costumes for the party Eric is throwing (damn rich kids). Lance is going out as Sam, the guy from Clockwork Orange, Allen's being a knight for his Princess, Ellin, and Eric is going as some guy from the Fight Club. I debate, what should I be? :p

Enough ranting,
Johnny V.

Trivial but Important

2005-10-11T16:35:00.000-04:00

Why? Why curse a child with a name so long he had to learn the alphabet in kindergarten just to sign his damn papers? Eh? Why name a child something so difficult that it takes him till grade 3 to say it right?
Oh, I've heard the excuses: "So you can have ANY nickname you want!"
"It's a gift, use it well!"
"It makes you unique." This from "Yoshka." Blerg.

I've also been beginning to doub that my first name is a REAL name. :p Here we are folks *cry*:
Jhohannen Nikolai Stalinusha St. Raphael (my patron saint, thank you) Valentine.
And my dad thinks my name is Joseph.
What do parents think of when they name their kids? What goes into it, and why some of those strange travesties of a name?
Sorry for the rant, :p
Johnny

P.S And that, kids, is why they call me "J". :D

????

2005-10-07T15:44:00.000-04:00

Lance and I were sitting on the roof of his house, I had a cigarette, he had a Diet Coke and it was nearly midnight, and raining. I felt anxious: neither of us had spoken in like, 15 minutes.
Finally, he turned to me, kissed me, and said "My dad beats me. What should I do?" and I dropped my umbrella to the ground. We kinda watched it sail to the concrete below and then it fell silent.
I didn't know what to say, until he put his hand on top of my hand and leaned on my wet shoulder, and even then, I only said "Oh."

What am I supposed to say? I want to help him, but he refuses to tell his mother. ("She has a weak heart!" "She'd be crushed!" "It's not that bad, I guess." "Forget it, I think I'll be fine.") He's diabetic, his bruises are purple and the man broke his hand just last week ("I was playing hockey." "I fell down the stairs. Stupid, huh?"). And I didn't even know before! I thought he was a klutz because he's always been a klutz! He never told me his father was a vehement homophobe, or that all of his broken bones and bruises and (once) stab wounds were from his dad! Is this my fault for not paying attention? Or should he tell his mom? What if she gets hurt?

We got down from the roof and went into his bedroom, to sit on the couch. He took of his wet shirt and sat beside me, with his arms crossed. I told him, "Someone's gotta know." but I didn't really think thats what I meant. I put a hand on his shoulder and told him not to go back to see his dad. (He commutes from Toronto to Hamilton).
Was that right? There has to be a better way! I hate watching him get hurt, and I hate it when he never asks for help., but I'm happy that he trusts me enough. I don't want to break that trust, but I think I need to tell his mom.

Help?
Johnny

Thinking about....

2005-10-05T22:43:00.000-04:00

There are days when I just can't concentrate and I think today was one of those days. I find my mind wandering off into the sky, or wandering off to my art or photography or of course wandering off to the place that all teenage boys minds wander off too: someones pants. ;)
I was doing a photoshoot today with Starshine, and she admitted to me that she had liked me for some time when we were younger, and I was fairly startled. I lowered my camera, and she stopped posing for me, and I asked her "why?", baffled. I could tell she was nervous, grinning and staring at the ground with embarrased eyes, but she said "there was an air about you. I could feel the way you feel all the time. I felt...connected." and I suppose I knew what she meant. She's a psychic, and her powers to sense aura are phenominal. She tucked her hair back behind her ear and it occured to me, rather suddenly and guiltily, the reason why she had never told me before: she was my shoulder to lean on. I had been complaining about Lance and Gloria and every boy or girl I had ever liked to her and she didn't want to embarras herself. I felt so bad. So bad, in fact, I had to call off the photoshoot and go sit by myself out in the school yard.
I tried to talk about it with Lance, but he got irrittated and started asking me seperate questions, and now I feel so bad. She hadn't dated for years, was it because she liked me and was waiting for something to happen? She's a beautiful, smart, tree-hugger of a person, and I refuse to believe that no one asked her out in that period of time. What am I supposed to think?
Eh??
--Johnny

P.S Lance is cute. <3

My Mom

2005-10-04T17:23:00.000-04:00

When I was small, and growing up with my mom, she always taught me that violence was wrong, and being not only the only parental influence in my life, but my best friend, I of course believed her and hung onto every word she said. She was a very radiant woman, with powerful beliefs and she was very anti-war, anti-bias, anti-corporation, and I grew up in her image, even physically. I've been told that I look almost exactly like her (even feminine :p), because of our similair black hair and blue eyes, and I like to sing and paint--just like her.
This is no coincidence, and I know that. I was vaguely interested in painting as a kid, but never music, even though I was lullaby-ed on Death in June, and Bauhuas. I sat front row in every one of her small, scarcely populated conerts, when she sang her heart out and played the guitar and blew kisses into the audience. Being a young mother, I suppose she still wanted to be a twenty year-old, but I felt that I may have kept her back from a lot of her oppurtunities.
She taught me about God...not Catholicism, Lutheran, Baptists...just God,and how he loved all of us, no matter what race, religion, sexual orientation or gender. She said it was okay that some of us didn't believe, because their Gods (if any) love them, no matter what. She was very religious, and thus, so was I.
The last night I spent with her, we were sitting on her bed, and we were talking about going to babushka and dedushka's for Christmas, but spending Christmas Eve at our small house in Toronto. I was excited, 13, waiting for Christmas Eve and my mom's birthday (It was her 28th, incidentally the same day). I painted her a portrait of herself, based upon a photo of her and the Wynter (her band), and I was really excited with the outcome.
She finished reading me Le Petit Prince (Saint-Exupery), and we fell asleep talking about New Years Eve.
The next day she sent me to Conner's (mom's drummer) and I stayed there until about 6 PM. When I got home, I came to a scene that never left my head. Ever.
There were police cars and an ambulance outside, two guys carrying out a stretcher and a body-bag. It was dark outside, and lights flashes a constantly. MY mind was totally crystal clear the whole time. I don't know why, but I couldn't think and Conner kept snapping his fingers in front of my eyes, and asking policemen what was going on.
My mom had a stalker. They'd known eachother for years, in fact.
They took me to the police station before I could even fathom what was going on and it took almost an hour for the head policeman to tell me that my mother was dead; that she'd been stabbed to death in her bedroom. I couldn't even cry. I said "oh." and asked to go home. I was totally in shock, it didn't follow through.
It wasn't until nearly midnight, when I was lying in bed at Conners, smelling the marijuanna from the next room when it occured to me: My mother is dead. Those phone calls she got: it had been the killer. It was her birthday, it was Christmas Eve, it was a Monday and it was our day alone together.
Lance came over the next day, with a stuffed animal for me. His eyes were all streaky (he'd been wearing eyeliner) and he started hugging me and he didn't let go. I stayed at his house until the funeral, and even at the funeral, I stood in the freezing rain, with no umbrella, no tears, and only Lance's hand to grip while I shook in anger.
Despite all the evidence, even, they dropped the case as a suicide.

Even with this, I forgot my mom's talks about violence. When I got angry, instead of supressing it, expressing myself creatively, I began to hit things, break stuff and hurt people. It never occured to me that this wasn't what she would have wanted. It was all about God had taken what I had loved, and I'd do anything to make people feel the same way. That was my New Years Resolution: To stop giving a damn about God, to stop making an effort to like people, and to rant, and rave, and fight for whatever it is I wanted, even if people got hurt. If they were in my way, I figured they were expendable.
I was expelled a few times, sometimes for things I didn't do, but mostly because of my violence, my explicit language, my broad social statements. I never felt compelled to anything good from then on, I just dug myself deeper and deeper into the hole.
I was to go live with my father, a lawyer, a man who lived in a 2 million dollar house and a man I had never met before in my life. A man who had another family, and never even asked for a picture of me to put in his wallet. The man who abandoned my mother in favor of a woman he had met at their "wedding".
I refused, and lived on the streets for a year and a half, until he finally forced me to, by law.

My main point is that I was wrong. About everything. I took it out the wrong way, and I ended up eating twice a week, getting kicked out of school, landing in a coma, countless suicide attempts, psycho-analysis, falling into a deep depression and getting assaulted by strangers. Maybe worst case scenerio, but anyway: it's mine. Whatever it was my mother had said about violence, I had gone against that: destroyed her memory and it feels like shit to admit it, but it's true. I screwed up my life based on this and I wish I could tell her I was worry, but of course, I can't.

To be conclusive, it feels good: to write things down, to know the worst is behind you, to feel that everything will be better soon. Even with loss, and confusion, and deep self-loathing there is always someone out there to help you. I wrote this partly for me, but partly for a friend: someone who screwed up, and fell on their ass, and will recover (hopefully) soon.

<3>

<3

2005-09-25T10:26:00.000-04:00

*is in love*

Lance and I have decided to go out. *dies*
He told me last week that he used to dream about me sometimes and that when we were like 4, he wanted to marry me. *siiiiiiiiiiiiiigh*
I'm so happy. I'd like to say we made passionate love on the floor, but we didn't. :) We just kind of awkwardly fell asleep together.

Sorry for the crappily written peice, ideas won't go all together now. (errgg see?) But thats the gist of it.
-Johnny

Just an Update

2005-02-07T23:07:00.000-05:00

Wow, it has been an amazing month....(I AM counting January too).

I'll start with Christmas Eve because I guess I missed that too:
We had a party at Alex's bar and played for a few hours, but in the time slot of 1 AM to 2AM, Eric got drunk and fell off the stage and Lance had to lie down because he nearly died laughing at him.
We sat down for drinks as Alex started to help the next band set up, and Lance let me sit in his lap so we could squeeze in Ellin and Star.
It was a little after that (when I went back to Joel's [dad]) that I started feeling really blue about my mom, and then I went out to visit the graveyard across from the Rec. Center.
I got some pretty cool shirts for Christmas, which maybe implies that Marsha [stepmom] and Joel are embracing my goth-ness? (I hope not, then I'll have to switch to being one of those pukey highlighter people or a hello kitty fiend). Sarah [stepsis] out did herself and picked up a Marilyn Manson CD. She almost ruined it by saying "That's what you people like, right?" Good thing I was in good spirits or I'd have killed her.

{{ Note: I really haven't mentioned any of these people, have I? Joel's my dad, my mom and him got together in her second year of highschool, his last and got her pregnant with me. Then he left her afterwards for college and left us all alone. After my mom died **I was 13** I went to live with her mom (my babushka) , then moved to Toronto to live with his mom. She died recently so now I live with him.
Marsha is a woman my dad met a little after he left my mom and since he didn't show up to the funeral, I never met him until a little while ago. Marsha has a daughter named Sarah and shorty after they met they got married and had kids (Penny and Patty, twin girls. They're about 5 now?)
Sarah's my age, but her birthdays later. She's dating Lance. >:( }}

Anyhoo, I met up with the guys at the bar the next morning and we went to Lance's to play video games and practice. I did Lance's homework, even though he resisted.
Not much happened until New Years Eve when we played the Wynter and then I ended up at Lance's staying overnight. His mom said I was too drunk to go home. <_<....>_>
Just like we were kids he ended up coming into my bed in the middle of the night because he was afraid of the dark. He slept on the other end, but when I woke up he had his arms me and this was probably the best New Years wakeup I have ever had...
Then again, there's really no conest... Last new years I woke up in an alleyway with a hobo yelling at me, year before that I almost barfed out my guts on vodka twisters, :p
January was a pretty good month, recieved an 100 on my music composition for school, and got a date with a airy (but terribly cute) brunette named Gloria. My babushka and dedushka came to visit me for the 20th.
Feb's been a little stressful as of yet, because of some things I don't have permission to talk about.
However our little mute friend started yelling at someone on the weekend. O.O YeAh!!! I KNOW!!!!
His father had a heartattack and we watched the ambulance pull up to the store while we were walking home. (Allen and his dad own a convience store). The one guy told him that his dad would be all right, and to calm down, but Allen turned around and screamed, "Calm down? This is bullshit!" and we all gaped.
I haven't really seen him since, but it was quite a discovery. O_O
Tonight I'm staying at my dad's and tomorrow's parent teacher night. Errrg.

Quebec

2004-11-18T19:31:00.000-05:00

This is the picture of the church my mother and I went to see in 1999, when she took me to Quebec City. "Le Basillica du Ste. Anne" or something. I thought they said "Satan" so when the lady asked if anyone knew the name, I said "Satan" right in the church, and my mom looked so embarrased. I think I was 11 years old. **So niave**
People in Quebec are so snotty. I'd say "bonjour" and they'd look at me like I was dumb and say, "**sigh** hello, you english bastard".
Thats all for me. ;)

Not Much Going On

2004-11-06T20:20:00.000-05:00

Got my computer back from the damned... and by the damned I mean Lance was fixing it, the handsome devil...
Which reminds me, had a BLAST on Hallowe'en, got so drunk couldn't remember which way was home and which way was up and managed to hold it all in this year. I went out trick-or-treating to test a theory: that I am SO short, no one would know that I was 16 years old! Most of the drunkness was birthday celebrations though, and got to kiss Lance (yay!) even though he thought it was a joke...
Allen went out as an alien clone of himself, and got the prize for originality.

**Am really missing mommy right now.

Obnoxious Rant #1

2004-08-02T14:22:00.000-04:00

Here's what you've been waiting for, striplings.

A little while ago, as I got home (home being Alex's right now) a guy in his car honked at me and gave me a suggestive gesture. I didn't catch his liscence plate number, but I didn't really think of it. I thought he might be a friend of Alex's, or Emili's (Alex's girlfriend), but they didn't know him.
Now, here comes the rant! Whats with old guys just automatically assuming hat its alright to make obscene and sexually suggestive gestures at me?! Do I look like a girl? *yes* But thats's completely aside from the actual point! People should have a little more decency than that! Especially adults, seeing as how they're running the entire goddamn country!! A lot of guys out there seem to like young, rather girlish boys, especially old and creepy ones.
Right after my gramma died, before I went to stay with Conrad (an old pal of my mom) I stayed at a guys house who was named Manny, and he said that he'd let me stay if I helped him out a bit. I agreed, because he owned a shop, and being the niave kid that I am, I assumed he meant help out in the shop. The next day, he takes my wallet from me and says come back after school. I really needed the wallet, or else I would have gone straight to Con's. I came back after school, and he's there, waiting, with my wallet in his hand. Not to go into much detail, let's just say he "decided to have some fun with me". No, he didn't get far, my boss (named Michael) came by, and scared him away. I managed to grab my wallet (thank god) and I took off.
Is there a growing number of pedophiles or what? Maybe its just that more are getting caught.

Phew. That rant went nowhere.

Ð¡Ð¿Ð°Ñ�Ð¸Ð±Ð¾ Ð·Ð° Ñ‡Ñ‚ÐµÐ½Ð¸Ðµ,
Johnny
(It's "thanks for reading", btw)

Excerpt From a Journal Entry

2004-08-02T13:46:00.000-04:00

I wrote this abot the same time last year:

"Bisexuality means you go either way, right? So how come, if I have two times the normal chance of getting a boy/girlfriend, I'm still desperatly alone? Am I that much of a loser? That's just fabulous!"

I used to write a lot of short, unsent letters to Lance, who is my best friend. I started a little after my mom passed away, and most of them were short and obnoxious like:

"Happy New Year! Is it 'year' or 'years'?"

I'm in a good mood today, though this is probably a matter of opinion. I got my face and ribs bashed up quite a bit a little while ago, and recently got out of the hospital. I have this huge, ugly bruise on one side of my pretty face. I keep losing my smokes.

--Johnny

Today at work...

2004-08-01T23:56:00.000-04:00

I work for my teacher/friend's boyfriend, who owns a baby store. I basically cut down boxes and price things in the basement. It's driving me insane, this maternal concern for children who wander down the stairs! I feel like an ass, with my "Do I Look Like A Fucking People's Person?" t-shirt, going, "Oh no! Be careful, you don't want to fall and upset your mommy!"

Johnny