Christmas Eve
...almost here. What do I do at this time of year? I feel a mix of confusion and anger...staring off into space and realizing hours and hours have gone by without me...Sleeping troubled, food not digesting properly, sad thoughts and angry outbursts.
I miss my mother...even though it doesn't really need to be said, I'll say it anyway. I figure she wouldn't be to happy with me now...if I'd still been living with her by now, anyway.
She always made a big deal about Christmas, and even though we couldn't afford it, she went lavish anyway and sighed over the bills for the rest of the year. She used to call Baba and Grampapa every year and tell them how good I was being, even when I wasn't. People say they can still see her in me...people being my godfather, Alex...and Baba before she passed. This year, however, will be my first Christmas without anyone in my biological family. My dad offered to take me with them on vacation, but I refused out of spite, and almost wish now that I had gone...I feel like I'm intruding on Lance's Christmas with his family...even when they swear up and down they're happy to have me.
I can surely say that X-Mas Eve will be awkward for us all...me brooding around, shaking when I hear police sirens and staring at the Christmas tree with vengeance...I'm only happy that I'll have Lance...who, as I've mentioned before, has been the most supportive, even when he didn't know it... (Holding my hand at the funeral, hugging me at the police station, taking care of me for as long as I was around...loving me, even when I didn't deserve it)
I can tell that he feels pretty sad on Christmas Eve because he loved my mom too, but it seems to me (and even though I can admit it's quite irrational) that he has no right... I wish my mom got to see me last in a good situation...I'd started cocaine when I was 12, about a year before she died, and she'd spent the year tearing her hair out about it until I turned 13 and was clean, in the October before she died.
I wish I would calm down about things, but the stress of the holidays eats me up inside and makes me unpleasant to those around me...
Sorry I've been gone...working on giant sharpie masterpiece...Running out of markers too fast.
I love you, Mama....Happy Birthday/DeathDay/Christmas Eve
Yoshka Valentine (December 24 1973 - December 24 2001)
Yo
JV
I miss my mother...even though it doesn't really need to be said, I'll say it anyway. I figure she wouldn't be to happy with me now...if I'd still been living with her by now, anyway.
She always made a big deal about Christmas, and even though we couldn't afford it, she went lavish anyway and sighed over the bills for the rest of the year. She used to call Baba and Grampapa every year and tell them how good I was being, even when I wasn't. People say they can still see her in me...people being my godfather, Alex...and Baba before she passed. This year, however, will be my first Christmas without anyone in my biological family. My dad offered to take me with them on vacation, but I refused out of spite, and almost wish now that I had gone...I feel like I'm intruding on Lance's Christmas with his family...even when they swear up and down they're happy to have me.
I can surely say that X-Mas Eve will be awkward for us all...me brooding around, shaking when I hear police sirens and staring at the Christmas tree with vengeance...I'm only happy that I'll have Lance...who, as I've mentioned before, has been the most supportive, even when he didn't know it... (Holding my hand at the funeral, hugging me at the police station, taking care of me for as long as I was around...loving me, even when I didn't deserve it)
I can tell that he feels pretty sad on Christmas Eve because he loved my mom too, but it seems to me (and even though I can admit it's quite irrational) that he has no right... I wish my mom got to see me last in a good situation...I'd started cocaine when I was 12, about a year before she died, and she'd spent the year tearing her hair out about it until I turned 13 and was clean, in the October before she died.
I wish I would calm down about things, but the stress of the holidays eats me up inside and makes me unpleasant to those around me...
Sorry I've been gone...working on giant sharpie masterpiece...Running out of markers too fast.
I love you, Mama....Happy Birthday/DeathDay/Christmas Eve
Yoshka Valentine (December 24 1973 - December 24 2001)
Yo
JV
posted by Mr. Death at 5:14 p.m.
5 Comments:
Hey there Baby Boy, i know how difficult it must be for you, so just keep on working with those sharpies, and paint paint paint to your heart's content..hang in there, this sadness too will pass...it really does you know...things might be different if you mom was here,although i'm sure her spirit is floating around in the either somewhere.
i've missed chatting with you. i have been preoccupied constructing a huge gingerbread house, it has taken up all of my time, but now it is finished, and all i have to worry about is how to transport it to its destination.
cheers for now, we will chat again before Christmas day.
luv etc,
pj
Thanks for the comment...I'm figuring this year will be better than last year, definitey...And even though I don't believe in Heaven, I've always made an exception for her.
JV
Merry Christmas.
Quick dash over to you to wish you a Merry. I know the holidays can be hard to move through......
xo,
Deb
Awesome story... Hey dont worry dude! You will get over it.
Thanks Deb, it should be alright...
And thanks Yan...I don't think I'll "get over it" soon, nut I can definitely calm down and work with it. It's been 5 years since she died, and it still hits me hard.
JV
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