...
I've come to the conclusion that I've discovered, rather unhappily, my purpose in life: the punching bag. I find it clear: the punching bag of God, society, whatever...and you may say that I'm thinking negatively, but hell! This is me, this is how it is, try thinking positively when nothing ever goes right, and when something does, it actually, physically scares me.
My strange, butterfly dream (refer to earlier post) was not the first time I've had a dream point the way of death, or destruction or doom, especially involving butterflies: a symbol of the soul that leaves the body after death.
My conclusion about my dream: I'm going to die. It was all a matter of time, and things seem appropriate right now. Gods been knocking off my family one by one for the last 4 1/2 years or so...so why not now? Why not while I feel scared and happy, but exposed?
I wake up shivering still, but part of me really wants my death to happen, even though most of me is frightened. Lance won't talk to me on account of this, so he just talks about the band and what colour he should dye his hair next.
This is it: why am I actually frightened about things going right? Why do I keep looking at him out of the corner of my eye and wondering what would happen if he left me, or died? It's not a fantasy, no, but a nightmare that I can't keep out of my head. So why? Why do good things frighten me and bad things comfort me?
Am I so fucked up?
JV
My strange, butterfly dream (refer to earlier post) was not the first time I've had a dream point the way of death, or destruction or doom, especially involving butterflies: a symbol of the soul that leaves the body after death.
My conclusion about my dream: I'm going to die. It was all a matter of time, and things seem appropriate right now. Gods been knocking off my family one by one for the last 4 1/2 years or so...so why not now? Why not while I feel scared and happy, but exposed?
I wake up shivering still, but part of me really wants my death to happen, even though most of me is frightened. Lance won't talk to me on account of this, so he just talks about the band and what colour he should dye his hair next.
This is it: why am I actually frightened about things going right? Why do I keep looking at him out of the corner of my eye and wondering what would happen if he left me, or died? It's not a fantasy, no, but a nightmare that I can't keep out of my head. So why? Why do good things frighten me and bad things comfort me?
Am I so fucked up?
JV
posted by Mr. Death at 1:40 p.m.
2 Comments:
I wish I had some words of wisdom to dole out. We do all have to face the maker at some point. Of course, we all hope that it's decades from whatever this day is.
I do hope what you're feeling doesn't come to pass.
Thanks...I can't help but think it, but I overall hope its not true.
I'm thinking dark days, sorry!
JV
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