For Some Reason...

stacie

streetcorner sweetheart
(the) streetlight (her) spotlight
cigarette ashes frozen cash
and she fades into the night

extra pretty make-up
for her extra pretty eyes
her mouth it never smiles
but was it worth the lies..?

she wants to be a movie star
not dead--in heart and mind
she wants to be a laughing spirit
not fucked--she wants to shine

her pretty powedered lipstick
and her lovely razorblades
did nothing for her sadness
she was constantly afraid

she's a faceless masochist
(this is what they say)
"no one will remember you
when you fade away"

she wants to be a movie-star
not dead--in heart and mind
she wants to be a laughing spirit
not fucked--she wants to shine

(a nameless, dreamless innocent
a victim of perversion
she found the answer *this isn't it*
drank up her diversion...)

she wants to be a movie-star
not dead--in heart and mind
she wants to be a laughing spirit
not fucked--she wants to shine

she wants to be recognized
so they will know her name
she wants to rid the sick, and doubt
and hide away her shame

she wants to be a movie star
not dead--a buried soul
she wants to find her kindred spirit
no strangers, from days ago

her pretty powedered lipstick
and her lovely razorblades
did nothing for her sadness
she was constantly afraid

stacie never wanted anything

**she's smothered thinking up a lie**

- "Stacie" by Joker

For some reason (hence the title of the post) I spent about the 6 hours before 2:30 crying my eyes out...I woke up depressed and I have NO idea why. It's possible that its because I lost my meds...but I doubt it.
I used the word "fucked" above, because I think when it comes to loveless sex, thats probably the best word for it...I don't care if couples who love eachother use it, or people who don't love eachother call it making love, it just has the SOUND of a loveless, cold word to me...so there...;)
This song was based on Stacie, my moms best girl friend in highschool (still around, still best friends with Alex, still Star's aunt etc.). She lived her life on the streets because her father used to abuse her and her mother has left them. She survived off of the money she made as a prostitute, and since she was alone (meaning, no "pimp") she was hurt a lot more by the men who hired her...Which may or may not have encouraged her lesbianism. She finds men disgusting (sounds like she's overreacting, but she had plenty reason to hate them as a whole), therefore she's a radical feminist. She was pulled out of it when she met Julie, who also went to her highschool, and they fell in love, Stacie moved in, etc.etc. Anyway, about 10 years later, I'd say, the two are married. (I mentioned it earlier)
Cheers,
JV

p.s Lance is still upset about his guitar...

Boom

I've been walking through your streets
Where all your money's earned
Where all your buildings are crying
And clueless neckties working

Revolving fake lawn houses
Housing all your fears
Desenisitized by T.V
Overbearing advertising

Gods of consumers

And all your crooked creatures looking good
Mirrors filtering information through the public eye
Designed for profit sharing
Your neighbour what a guy

Modern globalization
Coupled with condemnations
Unnecessary death
Matador Corporations

Puppeting your frustrations with a blinded flag
Manufacturing consent is the name of the game
The bottom line is money and nobody gives a fuck
Four thousand hungry children leave us per hour from starvation

While BILLIONS are spent creating death showers

Why must we kill our own kind?..?
Everytime we drop the bomb.

-System of a Down

Valentines Day

I was heading to my baba's on the Friday, packing my stuff and was surprised, when I discovered Lance wanted to go with me. (Not surprised because he didn't find it interesting, but surprised because he never has). He asked me, "Can I come and does your gramma know?"
And I said, "About...?"
"Us."
"Nuh-uh..."
"Why not?"
I gave him a look. "'Cause she's my baba, Lance. She doesn't need to know."
He grinned, "Someday she's going to wonder why you don't have little kids of your own running amuck, pillaging villages, spreading plagues...setting fire to government buildings......"
I threw a pair of pants at him.
I wasn't intending on telling her, not because I was ashamed, but because I didn't want her to know...I was afraid of what she'd think.
She was very, very happy to see Lance and I, so after he was asleep I told her.
It was TERRIFYING. I said, "Lance and I are dating" except it wasn't worded as well and I stuttered and blushed.
She was looking at me, and when I finished, she looked at me sternly. Then, she said, "I don't like it." and it seemed like forever until she spoke again, my heart almost fell out of my insides. "...but if it's what you want, and it makes you happy" she looked to where Lance was passed out on the couch. "then I'll learn to like it."
She smiled, and hugged me (I, still paralysed with fear) and then I went to bed.

-V-DAY-
Firstly, I woke up and it was still dark...Linkin Park's Somewhere I Belong playing faintly for some reason. I lay there, kind of confused for a while, until the song ended, and Jimmy Eat World's Polaris turned on.Then, I realize (of course) that Lance was either on the computer, or had his music on while doing something else.
So when I sit up, (*music*...can you tell me, you say that love goes anywhere...in your darkest times... *music*) I heard the water running in the bathroom beside me.
I was about to walk into the next room, and ignore it, when I heard a gurgle and I guess he spit something out.
I heard Lance say, "OH! No..." then he stuck his wet, PINK(!) head out of the bathroom door and said, "Never, NEVER drink soap!"
I don't think there was much that could have stopped me from choking on my laughter....
(*music*...i feel that when i'm old...ill look at you and know...the world was beautiful...*music*) He smiled when he saw me turn towards his computer room, and said, "It seemed oddly appropriate, eh? Plus, I like the guys vocals."
"They're like yours." I said, a little passively. His hair was flattened....triangular, sopping wet.
"And I'm great." He smiled, and went back into the bathroom.
**Thats one thing I'm infatuated by...that he can do something totally unusual...show up in pink hair, after announcing he was drinking soap and not tell me why...as if its no deal at all...**
After a while, since I couldn't go back to sleep, I changed his playlist and started listening to Rammstein and MM and moonspell.
We skipped school that day to go to the movies, and saw the original Psycho, Sorry Wrong Number (my favourite), The Birds, and Dial 'M' for Murder. Lance and I were the only "youngens" there, so it was especially fun. I love when the elderly are surprised when I exchange intelligent dialogue with someone...as if the piercings and make-up cut off the circulation to my brain...
Lance wrote me a song, too...(it was sooooo pretty...I almost cried) and we sat outside, by the Humber, talking about how much we liked eachother...getting everything off of our chests and such.
When we got back to the Wynter (Alex's cafe/bar), we screwed around with the CD system and listened to Dead Celebrity Status' and Linkin Park's unique brand of intriguing hip-hop, while we drank and ate 6 hours old left-over pancakes....A lot of bitter, loveless music, while we watched the Simpsons and laughed our asses off.
It was pretty good, but I had to avoid sex again, so I got a little angrier frustrated by the end of the night...Lance seems to take this better than I do, but I figure his first experience wasn't as good or comfortable as mine.
I finally asked him about his hair at around 9, and he told me he thought it was appropriate for the holiday...and gthat he thought it looked "faboo".
I agreed, but GOD is he weird. He's so attractive too.
I'm so in love, I think that if I think about it to hard, I will vomit. :)

<3 Hope you had a good Valentine's Day.
JV

A little chat...

Lance woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me that I had been talking in my sleep.
"What did I say?" I asked him, as I stood up, on my way for the kitchen.
"It doesn't matter," He said and looked at me kind of sadly.
I went upstairs and got two cans of Diet Coke from the fridge. On my way back, I saw FRan on the couch, in her robe, watching Andromeda. She saw me, then patted the couch beside her.
"So. You always sleep in your clothes?" She frowned in a mothery sort of way.
"No. Just tired, I guess." I offered her one of the cans, but she shook her head.
"Johnny...I was thinking..."
"Thats good." I smiled and opened up a can. "Didn't pass that nifty tip to Lance, did we?"
She laughed. "I mean about your father. He seems apoligetic, and concerned."
"There are former-Nazis who are apoligetic, Fran."
"Jhohannen." She looked at me sternly. (AND said my name right. She's the best woman alive, truely.) "I know it was wrong of him to hit you. God only knows, I've had some rather...personal experiences with this kind of thing..." (referring to Lance and his dad, when I nodded, she cringed a little)"...but I can tell the difference between malice, and (let me get this straight) unjustifyable frustration. I don't think your father is the type to beat his kids."
"...Me niether."
"And you and I both know, that even if your being totally rational, and in the right, you can still be very frustrating. Your mother and you both have the same power to say little and hurt a lot."
"..." She knows how to make a guy feel guilty...she's an expert...A wife, a mother of two boys + substitute mother for 3.
"I think you have the right to be angry with him, and the right to hate him, if you want to. But I'm sure," And she looked at me, "His attempts to get to know you would be well-met with your own attempts. It'll be easier for both of you if your trying at the same time."
"I guess." I took a sip, feeling a little chewed out...I actually enjoyed the feeling, probably because I have no mom to guilt me anymore. Not that she did. But it was nonetheless a feelin ghtta made me feel loved. (And incidentially...)
"You know I love you like a son. You've known that since you were a baby, right Johnny?" She smiled, and gave me a hug. "I want you to stay here as long as you want. You don't have to see your father if you don't want to, but I implore you, please, please call him at least."
I hugged her back and shrugged. "In the morning. Before he goes to work."
She grinned. "Maybe it'll ruin his day!"
"Bingo." I winked, and went back downstairs, where Lance was nearly passed out again.
I heard him smile as I got into bed, he put his arms around my waist and mumbled,"You're dads an ass. You should live with us forever, in the land of Sex with no Consequences."
I dropped the pop on his back, and he jumped.


((Meanwhile...I got bad news about my Keith Hamilton Sob *Tyr Anasazi from Anderoma...hooooot*...He joined the cast of the Young and the Restless...Dear God WHY?))

Lance's mom is sooo smart. I don't know what I've decided to do yet, but going home now isn't one of them.
JV

WTF

Holy shit, I am so fucking pissed off at my father. He says to me that he find it difficult to relate to me, why am I so distant, how come I'm not trying so hard, why am I dropping bombshells on him blah blah blah. FIRSTLY: Difficult to relate? No fucking shit...Him and his lawyer, right-wing fucker friends snickering over the Liberals and NDP while I sit in the other room (TOLD to sit in the other room...God forbid I would disturb his white Neo-Nazi friends)... SECONDLY: Me? Distant? He spent my whole life barely lifting a finger to see me, not sending us money...my mom and I: poverty stricken, him: fucking millionaire. THIRDLY: What bombshells? Is it my fault I felt like sharing a childhood horror with him? Should I have never spoken to him? I know I shouldn't have yelled...when I shared the details with him, I freaked out myself...but why is this a point against me? I felt like trusted him enough, and then he used it against me in an arguement about how I don't respect him or his authority.
I was arguing with him after some fucker hit my little sister Paris on his bike outside. When she went to the hospital, I stayed home with the other twin Pascal, and he came home, and started yelling at me about how I should have kept an eye on her. THAT WAS NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY. Sarah (my step-sister) and I made a deal, after out first decent conversation ever, that she was looking after Paris outside and I was helping Pascale with her homework inside.
NOT ONLY did she pin it on me after she ditched OUR BABY SISTER outside by herself (not baby...4, but FUCK man), but when I called her on it later, she shrugged and said "Does it really matter? Parry is going to be fine."
I love my baby sisters so much, and she had the fucking guts to blame me for Paris' first concussion. I would have hit her, had she been a boy...but I don't hit women.
This is what triggered my father yelling at me. I told him, "Joel, Sarah said she was going to look after her, not me."
And he said, "You should have been watching her anyway."
So I said, "Because Sarah's unreliable?"
And he started getting mad at me. "No, because its your duty." (Which, when he left, he gave us BOTH the instructions to watch them."
Anyway, its escalated into him blaming me for it, telling me that if I don't respect the people in the house I should get out, telling me to stop telling disturbing "STORIES" about my childhood, and to let go of the fact that he didn't love my mom. He tried to finish by yelling that if I'D been in the house when my mom was killed, maybe that would have prevented it. (Excuse me? Blaming ME for the death of my mother?????)
And when I said it was bullshit, he told me to keep my language in check around my other sister (who looked upset, sitting on the couch, curled up). I told him that I would voice my opinions when I wanted and how dare he blame me and he finished the whole thing by punching me.

Left, ended up at Eric, he drove me to Lance, we smoked up, and I borrowed his laptop to vent this...
Holy SHIT
JV

Running out of Titles...

Last night, I woke up at around 2, finding that I was still alone...I heard Lance typing furiously in the next room, and once he saw me sit up, he beckoned me over.
He was taking to Allen. The gist of the conversation was that his father came back from the hospital at around 8 that night, and that he'd made a date with one of the nurses. Lance and him were exchanging angry single-parent dating stories...Even though Mr. Narayan (Fran's boyfriend...once again, Fran is Lance's mom) is really nice, Lance doesn't like that his mom is dating. (**Its weird for me too, because when Lance's parents got divorced when we were 6, neither of us remember her dating again till now)

Eventually, after we took turns comforting our crazy mute-buddy, we got into bed and started making out, again. I think I was pressuring him again, I wasn't even thinking about my temporary vow of celibacy. Again, he stopped me, this time, by rolling off of me and saying "Oh boy..."
I asked, "What?"
And he propped himself and smiled at me. "You're doing it on purpose, now, J."
I hadn't really thought about it, but I think he was right. I blushed.
"You know I want you..." He said. He closed his eyes and I kissed him on the cheek. "But if you get me to a point where I don't want to stop, its not fair for either of us. I don't want to be selfish...especially accidentially...y'know?"
"I guess."
"I'm worried about you, and I won't like it."
"Eh?"
"I mean..." He winked. "I'd like it, but not the after stuff. The cautions.."
"Precautions. I know."
He hugged me, and sighed a little...I think he's been feeling bad lately. He went back on the computer, and I fell asleep, sexually frustrated and a little concerned...
Also, I think I am doing it, subconciously...Leading him on...I think my inner brain wants sex, but my outer brain knows its a dumb idea. O_O

Boooooring...
JV

Some title...

I've noticed my father thinking a lot, staring blankly at his laptop for hours and hours, typing nothing, reading nothing, clicking nothing. Even at the dinner table (when I show up), he stared off into space until his food is cold and the reply to anything, whether statement, question or other, is "Uh...? Uh...Yeah."
The interesting part is, I found his old yearbook, and while flipping through the Niners section, found a picture of my mom, right next to Alex, and couple spaces down from Star's aunt Stacie...Stacie and Alex being her two best friends since gradeschool and before.
There were all the classic autographs, some at the front, some at the back, but for some reason most of them were scribbled across the faces of whoever wrote them. My moms, for example "You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, she is beautiful because you love her.", one of her all-time favourite quotes, underlined a couple of times with a spidery heart beside it.
Or Alex's, cold and meaningless: "Have a good summer. A.Whitman"...I can imagine the pain my mom submitted him to just to make him sign her boyfriends yearbook...he hated my dad, still does and always will...
A bunch of others, phone numbers etc...and a little comment from a girl named Lisa, who he was apprently sleeping with.
I asked him about it. I said, "Joel, did you cheat on mom?"
And he sighed and said, "It was a long time ago." but he didn't answer my question.

My biggest grievance with him is that he knew she had a baby, and in 16 years, never called, saw my face or even asked Alex about me. If I knew that I had a baby, even if I didn't want to take responsibility (though I would), I would want to know...if not for compassion, for curiousity's sake.

After I asked him, it was quiet, but for the buzzing of the laptop and the T.V's low volume. I stared a little bewilderedly at the carpet, and then back to the page, where I saw my moms face smiling up at me. (It's a little crazy how with short hair, and a baggy t-shirt, she looks almost exactly like me).
My little sister Pascale (might have been Paris...they look almost the same) wandered in and sat on the couch, with a stack of cookies...She's sooo friggin' cute. Her and I looked at eachother, and she smiled.
My dad got up, in the meantime, grabbed his keys and said, "Jhonen" (omfg) "Take a drive with me?"
(When I told Lance about this, later, he asked if my dads original intentions were to take me out back and shoot me :p)
Grudgingly, I accepted, but sat in the backseat without a seatbelt (I know, I'm such a rebel...I J-Walk too).
We drove out to the cemetary, with only a few words spoken, mostly about the songs on the radio and which bands I liked now...He asked about my next gig, but I didn't answer.

We stopped outside, I was kind of half-leaning out the window, with my eyes closed and he said, "I wish I was there. I really do." I opened up one of my eyes (the good one, the other one hurts like a bitch) and looked at him, "And I'm sorry."
He stretched his legs out across the passenger seat and clasped his hands in his lap. "I wish that all those *horrible* things didn't happen to you, and I know you thought I never took an interest in you, but I did. I called Marina" (my baba's first name)"but she wouldn't tell me anything...I guess Yoshie didn't want to hear from me."
I couldn't maintain silence. "What the hell are you talking about?" leaving a ringing almost-silence, surrounded in AC/DC - Thunderstruck. "You could have tried harder." I sniffed, and closed my eyes again.
"I know," He said. "I know I shouldn't have taken off, but I was scared. And to tell you the truth, I didn't love her as much as she loved me."
Ouch. I frowned.
"Yoshie was so smart back then...and remember John" (wtf omfg, I was getting so mad) "I was basically your age."
"I'm not going to knock up a girl and leave her." (I found this a little funny, and regretted saying it immediately after because I'm in a gay relationship...)
He sighed. "I was a different guy. And I'm sorry I missed your growing up, but I think it went well...kind of."
"Kind of?"
"I mean, you're the same as her. So much that it scares me sometimes."
"Scares you?" (My voice was getting louder for each two-word sentence).
"I just mean you grew up well-enough without me."
"If you were there, she wouldn't have died."
"..."
I stepped out of the car, and lit up a smoke. Since my throat was dry, though, it burned. (I found it funny then, for some reason)
He stuck his head out the side of the car. "Just take the apology...You don't have to accept, but I've said all I can say. I want to get to know you now, while I have the chance."
"I won't take it now." I knew he was trying, but it was annoying me.
"Like, for example" He started, and I smiled kind of, "Whats your favourite colour?"
"Black."
"Band?"
"stutterfly."
"John, I think we should talk more." (I HATE the name John)
"Joel, I think you should learn my name."
"Why won't you call me dad?"
"Thats the stupidest question I've ever HEARD." I put out my smoke, and leaned against the car more. I could feel an anxiety attack starting, so I grabbed my chest.
"Alright." He sat back in the drivers seat (I'm guessing, I couldn't see at my angle)
"It's Yo-hahn-en. Or Johnny, or Jay. Not Jhonen, not John, not Johnathan."
"Okay." He sighed.

I ended up walking to Lances from there, about 6 km, because I didn't want to ride in the car with him. I honestly think, that in a couple more conversations, I'll have vented enough that it won't be an issue anymore.
**And I think I saw the guy who mugged me last time...the one who said my name...but I might be hallucinating (??? I did it all the time when I was smaller).

Lance had very little to say last night, so we spent the night watching TV in his room, and he fiddled with a game he was making on the computer. I'm pretty sure he's more upset about the death of his favourite guitar than anything else...He's mourning its loss at an astonishingly slow rate.
He told me that my dad was a jerk, but "at least he's pretending to give a damn" and spent the rest of the night being bitter and sarcastic.
He's sooo uncool when he's like this, but I give it to him, mainly because he puts up with me.
I slept alone, but in his bed, because he stayed up all night playing with his game and comparing it to the code used for the original Doom. (My favourite PC game EVER)

And Star and her boyfriend broke up...and Fran (Lance's mom) is still going out with this doctor fellow, Mitul. He's really cool. ;)

Phew
JV