Some title...

I've noticed my father thinking a lot, staring blankly at his laptop for hours and hours, typing nothing, reading nothing, clicking nothing. Even at the dinner table (when I show up), he stared off into space until his food is cold and the reply to anything, whether statement, question or other, is "Uh...? Uh...Yeah."
The interesting part is, I found his old yearbook, and while flipping through the Niners section, found a picture of my mom, right next to Alex, and couple spaces down from Star's aunt Stacie...Stacie and Alex being her two best friends since gradeschool and before.
There were all the classic autographs, some at the front, some at the back, but for some reason most of them were scribbled across the faces of whoever wrote them. My moms, for example "You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, she is beautiful because you love her.", one of her all-time favourite quotes, underlined a couple of times with a spidery heart beside it.
Or Alex's, cold and meaningless: "Have a good summer. A.Whitman"...I can imagine the pain my mom submitted him to just to make him sign her boyfriends yearbook...he hated my dad, still does and always will...
A bunch of others, phone numbers etc...and a little comment from a girl named Lisa, who he was apprently sleeping with.
I asked him about it. I said, "Joel, did you cheat on mom?"
And he sighed and said, "It was a long time ago." but he didn't answer my question.

My biggest grievance with him is that he knew she had a baby, and in 16 years, never called, saw my face or even asked Alex about me. If I knew that I had a baby, even if I didn't want to take responsibility (though I would), I would want to know...if not for compassion, for curiousity's sake.

After I asked him, it was quiet, but for the buzzing of the laptop and the T.V's low volume. I stared a little bewilderedly at the carpet, and then back to the page, where I saw my moms face smiling up at me. (It's a little crazy how with short hair, and a baggy t-shirt, she looks almost exactly like me).
My little sister Pascale (might have been Paris...they look almost the same) wandered in and sat on the couch, with a stack of cookies...She's sooo friggin' cute. Her and I looked at eachother, and she smiled.
My dad got up, in the meantime, grabbed his keys and said, "Jhonen" (omfg) "Take a drive with me?"
(When I told Lance about this, later, he asked if my dads original intentions were to take me out back and shoot me :p)
Grudgingly, I accepted, but sat in the backseat without a seatbelt (I know, I'm such a rebel...I J-Walk too).
We drove out to the cemetary, with only a few words spoken, mostly about the songs on the radio and which bands I liked now...He asked about my next gig, but I didn't answer.

We stopped outside, I was kind of half-leaning out the window, with my eyes closed and he said, "I wish I was there. I really do." I opened up one of my eyes (the good one, the other one hurts like a bitch) and looked at him, "And I'm sorry."
He stretched his legs out across the passenger seat and clasped his hands in his lap. "I wish that all those *horrible* things didn't happen to you, and I know you thought I never took an interest in you, but I did. I called Marina" (my baba's first name)"but she wouldn't tell me anything...I guess Yoshie didn't want to hear from me."
I couldn't maintain silence. "What the hell are you talking about?" leaving a ringing almost-silence, surrounded in AC/DC - Thunderstruck. "You could have tried harder." I sniffed, and closed my eyes again.
"I know," He said. "I know I shouldn't have taken off, but I was scared. And to tell you the truth, I didn't love her as much as she loved me."
Ouch. I frowned.
"Yoshie was so smart back then...and remember John" (wtf omfg, I was getting so mad) "I was basically your age."
"I'm not going to knock up a girl and leave her." (I found this a little funny, and regretted saying it immediately after because I'm in a gay relationship...)
He sighed. "I was a different guy. And I'm sorry I missed your growing up, but I think it went well...kind of."
"Kind of?"
"I mean, you're the same as her. So much that it scares me sometimes."
"Scares you?" (My voice was getting louder for each two-word sentence).
"I just mean you grew up well-enough without me."
"If you were there, she wouldn't have died."
"..."
I stepped out of the car, and lit up a smoke. Since my throat was dry, though, it burned. (I found it funny then, for some reason)
He stuck his head out the side of the car. "Just take the apology...You don't have to accept, but I've said all I can say. I want to get to know you now, while I have the chance."
"I won't take it now." I knew he was trying, but it was annoying me.
"Like, for example" He started, and I smiled kind of, "Whats your favourite colour?"
"Black."
"Band?"
"stutterfly."
"John, I think we should talk more." (I HATE the name John)
"Joel, I think you should learn my name."
"Why won't you call me dad?"
"Thats the stupidest question I've ever HEARD." I put out my smoke, and leaned against the car more. I could feel an anxiety attack starting, so I grabbed my chest.
"Alright." He sat back in the drivers seat (I'm guessing, I couldn't see at my angle)
"It's Yo-hahn-en. Or Johnny, or Jay. Not Jhonen, not John, not Johnathan."
"Okay." He sighed.

I ended up walking to Lances from there, about 6 km, because I didn't want to ride in the car with him. I honestly think, that in a couple more conversations, I'll have vented enough that it won't be an issue anymore.
**And I think I saw the guy who mugged me last time...the one who said my name...but I might be hallucinating (??? I did it all the time when I was smaller).

Lance had very little to say last night, so we spent the night watching TV in his room, and he fiddled with a game he was making on the computer. I'm pretty sure he's more upset about the death of his favourite guitar than anything else...He's mourning its loss at an astonishingly slow rate.
He told me that my dad was a jerk, but "at least he's pretending to give a damn" and spent the rest of the night being bitter and sarcastic.
He's sooo uncool when he's like this, but I give it to him, mainly because he puts up with me.
I slept alone, but in his bed, because he stayed up all night playing with his game and comparing it to the code used for the original Doom. (My favourite PC game EVER)

And Star and her boyfriend broke up...and Fran (Lance's mom) is still going out with this doctor fellow, Mitul. He's really cool. ;)

Phew
JV