oh GOD
i must have got some reeeeaaalllly bad shit last night....my whole fucking face hurts, and my eyes feel like their going to fall out.
lance wont call me, or talk to me at school....he looks at me sometimes, over his shoulder with that "look" in his eye, but he just sighs and looks back anyway. im worried he started dating a chick again.
also, i dont think i can ever go to school again....i cried in history for no reason and my make-ups fucked...black streakies all down my face and smeared lipstick. i look like a dead whore who spent 6 years on cocaine.
fucking coke dealers are shit. i went to a different guy and got cheaper, horrible shit of death. still on a buzz and my brain feels like its turning to jello.
i spent all night eating jello.
im really nervous, but staying with my pop. he left the news on and harper won!! shit shit shit shit!! i almost broke the fucking box. what are we gonna do? he's gonna tear us apart and make us america. no more drugs for kids or marriage for gays or abortions for women or day care for single parents....
i have scratches all over my face and my box cutter went missing after i finished with it. i found it in the fridge next to the mayonaisse. i put on a pair of boots last night to go to the store and they were out of matinee ultra mild so i had to buy heavier stuff. nicotine, cocaine beer, coffee and dill pickles are not a god mix. ever. i think ive had it before and it didn't agree with me.
cheese im freaking out. i keep hearing footsteps coming from downstairs but maybe its my sister? she shouldn't be home.
lance stopped liking me, i swear to god. it never works out for johnny. god hates johnny. johnny hates johnny. i don't think he wants to make such an effort.
oh shit i left two bottles of coke in my bag. im shaking a lot too can't stop moving my hands.
EDIT my dad came home and saw there was blood all over my arms and i cried and apoligised for eating all the jello. while i was eating cashews (a WHOLE tin OMFG) i spilt salt all over my cuts and it burned like the fucking antichrist. my stepmoms upset at me and i think my dad wants to take me to the hospital. im taking off anyway, doctors scare the fuck out of me. cheerio ill be smoking at conners
lance wont call me, or talk to me at school....he looks at me sometimes, over his shoulder with that "look" in his eye, but he just sighs and looks back anyway. im worried he started dating a chick again.
also, i dont think i can ever go to school again....i cried in history for no reason and my make-ups fucked...black streakies all down my face and smeared lipstick. i look like a dead whore who spent 6 years on cocaine.
fucking coke dealers are shit. i went to a different guy and got cheaper, horrible shit of death. still on a buzz and my brain feels like its turning to jello.
i spent all night eating jello.
im really nervous, but staying with my pop. he left the news on and harper won!! shit shit shit shit!! i almost broke the fucking box. what are we gonna do? he's gonna tear us apart and make us america. no more drugs for kids or marriage for gays or abortions for women or day care for single parents....
i have scratches all over my face and my box cutter went missing after i finished with it. i found it in the fridge next to the mayonaisse. i put on a pair of boots last night to go to the store and they were out of matinee ultra mild so i had to buy heavier stuff. nicotine, cocaine beer, coffee and dill pickles are not a god mix. ever. i think ive had it before and it didn't agree with me.
cheese im freaking out. i keep hearing footsteps coming from downstairs but maybe its my sister? she shouldn't be home.
lance stopped liking me, i swear to god. it never works out for johnny. god hates johnny. johnny hates johnny. i don't think he wants to make such an effort.
oh shit i left two bottles of coke in my bag. im shaking a lot too can't stop moving my hands.
EDIT my dad came home and saw there was blood all over my arms and i cried and apoligised for eating all the jello. while i was eating cashews (a WHOLE tin OMFG) i spilt salt all over my cuts and it burned like the fucking antichrist. my stepmoms upset at me and i think my dad wants to take me to the hospital. im taking off anyway, doctors scare the fuck out of me. cheerio ill be smoking at conners
posted by Mr. Death at 2:11 p.m.
6 Comments:
j, i've never taken an adult tone with you before but I am doing it now. Why are you messing with that stuff? I mean i can see smoking a joint, thats petty harmless to me, heck, i would even join ya....but i know from experience, no good can come from messing with that coke and exstacy crap.
you're also doing no good by coming down on yourself like this...the shit that hapened to you was NOT your damn fault, but shit happens anyway even when its not our fault. you have to pull your shit together and agree to move on from it...its so so hard, but you have to make that decision...
how can you treat lance like this? so many would wish they could have the friendship that the two of you share, I know the whole sex thing threw you off, but what happened between the two of you happened because your attracted to each other, whats wrong with that?
you know i have the utmost respect and care for you, but I don't want to see you hurting yourself, it breaks my heart.
its fucking shit what i do to him, just because i can't handle some fucking rape thing and can't go a minute of any day this week without hearing "yeah, your a good little boy" in the voice of that fucker who did it. why should lance have to take my fucking inability to cope with reality? drugs or no drugs im still as fucked up as i ever was, destined to be, whatever.
ill go insane without taking shit, REALLY insane and i think the only other option is to never go to school and make myself unconscious for the rest of my life
i cant handle it, i really really cant and i dont think he'll want it either.
and i try to move on, but i never suffered before! i never had a chance to be upset because i didnt understand it and by the time i did i had forgotten it and put it far far away in my mind. i cant talk to my mother, she's dead! i cant talk to lances mom, she's near lance and i cant even get half a sentence out to alex. my father doesn't know enough about me to care, i think.
im sorry
i feel like shit!
i know you feel like shit....i know this, i can feel it.
and who's to say that there's a particular "Way" to handle things? c'mon, we all deal with htings differently.
For that matter, who are you to say what Lance can and cannot deal with? you cutting him off, in expectation that he''ll cut you off, or so you can save him is some crap J., let him decide whether or not he wants to deal w/ u.
destined to be....destined to be....destined to be whatever the fuck you want to be. period. If you say, i'm going to let this person control me, not for just that time when he raped me, but for the rest of my life, then you are giving him the power. DON NOT GIVE THAT MAN ONE MORE SECOND OF YOUR LIFE! DIDNT HE ALREADY TAKE ENOUGH FROM YOU? DO YOU THINK HE'S LOSING A NIGHT OF SLEEP?
im sorry baby....you know I care about you, but I know what your capapble of because i've been reading you, I see you comments on the same blogs I go to...you are insightful, caring, smart, and you don't deserve to sestroy yourself. your so much more than that.
read the emails i sent ou and email me back please. thanks. and dont be mad or offended by me ok? I say everything with the best in my heart for you. <3<3<3
and xcuse my typos i was typing to fast.... :(
im not mad. im feeling like im seriously coming down and i said a lot of assinine things...fuck.
ill try and see him tomorrow.
aaaahhhhhh.....
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