The Holidays

My dad forget to get me something, which is weird, because its the first time I ever got him something.

I ended up taking Lance to the game, and they won (sweet), so that meant we had to get drunk. (It's kind of a drinking game we play O_o. Don't judge me.) The game was played rather slowly, but its fun to watch.
I spent a few hours in the cemetary the next day, and then the group of us came back to visit Allen and his aunt. Eric's proposal went smooth. Amy came back looking happy and we all went to the Wynter after that. Technically we had a gig, but Eric filled in for me 'cause I felt sick.

The rest was kind of a whir until Lance and I got home, and we had sex for the first time. I don't know how to explain what it was like, honestly, but I liked it, and nothing has changed between us as far as I can tell.
He went with my to my dede's funeral, and I cried like I haven't in a really long time. I think my whole family is dying at Christmas.

Happy New Year and other holidays,
JV

Allen and Stuff

First off, Lance fell of the roof. We were sitting there, kind of kicking snow off and watching it ht the ground, and argueing about the moon stages (never you mind why). I kicked off a peice of branch and caught Lance's keys with it and they jingled as they fell. Lance leaned forward to see them for some reason (mumbling something about Santa Claus?) and kind of slid. All I did was blink, then heard a crunch as he landed. I kind of jumped down (2 stories isn't so much for either of us if your expecting it) and he was sitting there, looking at his wrist, looking awfully pale. He said, "go get my mom" and then I ran inside.
Anyhoo, his wrist was broken, rather cleanly (in the "biz", thats a good thing), and he got himself a cast ("they come in BLUE? WICKED!"), so he's happy. I was thinking about taking him to a Leafs game tomorrow.

Concerning Allen the Mute, he won't see us, but at least we knows he's okay. We went up to his room (just Lance and me, Eric's still in Kitchener with Amy), and he was blasting MM, and had glass all over his room. It was like a scene from a horror movie. His hair had some blood in it, but we deduced and it was from his arms, which were thoroughly shredded. He was crying, so we didn't know what to do. Lance sat on his bed with him and rubbed his back until Allen hugged him, and I cleaned up all the glass on the floor.
Was it meddlesome of me to call his aunt and get her to pick him up??

Eric's big escape from finding Allen: asking his girlfriend to marry him. I hope that goes well, they're both so talented. They met a music competition. The duets they do are almost tear-inducing (in a good way, not a bad way).

Happy Holidays,
JV

PS I'll be away a little bit, going to see baba, and dede's funeral is soon too. Mostly though, staying with Lance and his family.
Ian and Lori STILL married. WoW.

another time and place

I've been getting more and more worried about Allen, the way he's dropped away from school, his band, society...I haven't seen him at his usual haunts, or online, or in class or at the Wynter and I find it very, very disconcerting.

Allen was born overseas, and his mother died of cancer in a nursing position before his father and him came to Canada. When he was 4, he began to talk...later than most kids, I assume, and oddly, after his mother died, he never spoke again.
His father and him own a convenience store down Lance's street.
Allen has always been loud, never speaking, but smashing, breaking, slamming, stomping and throwing. He's a lover of music, all kinds, from opera to musicals to thrash metal to techno. He goes to raves and dyes his hair, and we're just about the only friends he has.
Recently, he began dating Eric's younger sister, a really talented singer and beautiful girl, and quickly, they split up again. His father was put in the hospital and as the ambulance waited outside of his store, I heard him yell, "This is bullshit" -- the first words I have ever heard him speak, and the last time I saw him.
He's an ecstacy user, has been on suicide watch and has been living alone in his house with the broken window for almost 3 weeks now.
I worry about him, and he won't answer our e-mail messages.

--

Otherwise, I went to see my dedushka and babushka's and got some pretty awful news. My dedushka died last week. I'm so upset.

-JV

Uhhhhh....

!sick sick sick sick sick!

There are times when I decide that I can't live through another 24th...the one hope is that when I go to bed on the 23rd, I sleep until the 25th...or maybe die.
It makes me sick to think that my mother has been gone for 4 years, and most of me expects her to walk through the door and take me home, smiling and telling me about all the people she met wherever she was.
It makes me sick to think that the man who stabbed her to death is probably still out there, living in my city, walking along the same streets I do, and laughing about how he got away with murder.

--

Lance and I sat on the roof tonight and threw all of the leaves off and watched them fall to the ground, laughing. It was weird, but a fun way to clean the eavesthrough. We talked about sex, again, along the same lines as the last conversation and then we talked about my mom...it was basically what the top bit says but in more detail and interuppted by me hitting something or him giggling.
He was wearing his frilly...petticoat...thinger (he confessed to his mom yesterday he was a crossdresser...Aw-Kward!) and no shoes. His hair is blue now, and mine green.
We talked about Starshine and her new beau (more on this later), Kennan, and Allen.
About Allen, I worry. He hasn't been around, not since him and Ellin split up...
And Lori and Ian are still married, I owe Lance 20$.

Also, my porn name is Johnny Hardcore. ;)
-JV

Another thing...

For my pals too....I'm interested. Kind of like 7 things post...

10 Random Things About Me
10. I have light eyes and black hair...weird huh? O_o
9. I hate talking on the phone.
8. I hate celebrities.
7. I hate the word "shrimps"
6. I'm a maple leafs fan.
5. I recently bought an AIDS bracelet.
4. *Watching the episode of the Simpsons where they become the Thompsons.
3. I'm eating jellybeans.
2. I'm out of lead in my pencil.
1. I can speak Russian. ;)

8 Things I Want to do Before I Die
8. Meet and have sex with Tyr from Andromeda. (yuuum)
7. Get another tatoo on my hip bone.
6. Be a famous painter.
5. Have one great single with "Joker"
4. Visit the UK.
3. Punch Eric. If only he weren't 20 feet tall....*shakes fist*
2. Lighten up.
1. Hopefully stay with Lance.

7 Ways To Win My Heart
7. Smart, interesting conversations.
6. Won't mind swimming or lying outside, naked, talking about deep stuff.
5. Like awesome music.
4. Be confident.
3. Patience with my rants.
2. Don't take me seriously when I rant.
1. Hug me, even if I don't ask.

6 Things I Love To Do
6. Swim nekkid. ;)
5. Hang out with friends.
4. Smoke mary-jane and tape the convos. we have.
3. Make out at movies (degenerate youngsters!!)
2. Paint
1. Sing, play the guitar/keyboard/violin.

5 Things I?m Afraid Of
5. Spiders
4. Spending more time on the streets.
3. Simpsons going off the air.
2. Lance deciding he's better off without me. (So far, I've tricked him).
1. ???

4 Of My Favorite Items In (My) Bedroom **Lance's for now.
4. Warm, sexy bed.
3. Warm, sexy couch.
2. The mirror Lance checks out his dresses in.
1. Computer.

3 Things I Do Everyday
3. Wake up. (Damn)
2. Sigh constantly.
1. Kiss Lance's cheek.

2 Things I?m Trying To Do Right Now
2. Watch the Simpsons episode where Mr. Burns loses his teddy bear, Bobo.
1. Finish this.

1 Person I Want To See Right Now
1. Fuck man, he's sitting beside me.

And next time, it will be a rant.
JV <3>

Alright...

Lance "commisioned" me to do this...so I kicked him off the computer and here she is:

Name: Johnny Valentine
Birthday: October 30th
Birthplace: Hamilton
Current Location: Toronto
Eye Color: blue
Hair Color: black
Height: 5'4
Right Handed or Left Handed: Left
Your Heritage: Russian/English
The Shoes You Wore Today: New Rock Boots
Your Weakness: Nothing. I'm all man baby. (All man at 5'4)
Your Fears: Spiders, getting arrested
Your Perfect Pizza: "bacon, garlic, extra crust ^^" <-- same as Lance
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: no ideas. years almost over anyway.
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: "beat it"
Thoughts First Waking Up: Oh God I'm still alive.
Your Best Physical Feature: probably my girlish good looks. *die*
Your Bedtime: Whenever.
Your Most Missed Memory: Readin with my mom.
Pepsi or Coke: Coke
MacDonalds or Burger King: MD
Single or Group Dates: w/e
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: both suck noodle
Chocolate or Vanilla: chocolate
Cappuccino or Coffee: coffee, black
Do you Smoke: yep
Do you Swear: all the time, motherfucker.
Do you Sing: yeah.
Do you Shower Daily: when i think to.
Have you Been in Love: think so ;)
Do you want to go to College: University
Do you want to get Married: no.
Do you belive in yourself: never. unless its something dumb.
Do you get Motion Sickness: yeah.
Do you think you are Attractive: no
Are you a Health Freak: no.
Do you get along with your Parents: the living ones no.
Do you like Thunderstorms: to death.
Do you play an Instrument: a few. keyboard, piano, violin, guitar,
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: oh yeah.
In the past month have you Smoked: im smoking right now.
In the past month have you been on Drugs: yeah.
In the past month have you gone on a Date: yeah.
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: not in almost a year.
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: half. Lance ate the other half. It took us almost a week.
In the past month have you eaten Sushi: Yum.
In the past month have you been on Stage: last night
In the past month have you been Dumped: no. O.O
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: last month. this month no.
In the past month have you Stolen Anything: i don't know.
Ever been Drunk: yeah.
Ever been called a Tease: yeah.
Ever been Beaten up: constantly. but i beat back harder. the system works.
Ever Shoplifted:yeah.
How do you want to Die: on a grand scale, so people go "aww, i knew that guy. im sorry i was mean to him. also, he was sooo handsome" lol sure.
What do you want to be when you Grow Up: painter
What country would you most like to Visit: Japan, where i will proceed to kidnap one of their singers.

In a Boy/Girl..Favourite Eye Color: blue
Favourite Hair Color: w/e
Short or Long Hair: w/e
Height: tallers the best i can hope for.
Weight: i dont care.
Best Clothing Style: something cute.
Number of Drugs I have taken: 4: ketamine, ecstacy, cocaine, marijuanna
Number of CDs I own: 2. i used to have more.
Number of Piercings: 15
Number of Tattoos: 1
Number of things in my Past I Regret: almost everything

Now, I want chase, deborah, 2sons and E (random any0ne?) to do this.
But whatever
JV

Random crap....

Lance and I sat on the roof last night watching our breath...for some reason if you concentrate on it hard enough, it becomes rather entertaining. We were holding hands. Well, I was holding his mittened hand...Lance likes to wear mittens, see?
We were eating cold stew, left overs from the mini-celebration dinner we had for Ian and Lori's engagement...this was Lance's mom (hereby after refered to as "Fran")'s formal thing before we had our drunken, teenage to early twenties bash down at the Wynter. (Ian's about 3 years older than Lori...making 21 and 24, methinks...and then there's the band, ranging 14-19). We had tea, unsweetened, as is my fate when hanging around with Lance, and I heard him rave about the twinkie he had had in the morning. (see http://lmaitland.blogspot.com/)
We sat there for a few hours until the Canadian winter winds burned, then numbed my fingers and then we went and sat in his room. My dad called, and I spoke to him briefly until Lori accidentially unhooked the phone, and I didn't bother calling him back. I slept rather pleasantly last night, with my head all cushioned and woke up smelling Lance's neck, and cologne. It was very, very hot.
sigh
JV

Sleeping

I can't stop sleeping lately.
Which confuses me, because I have always hated sleeping, and have always woken up feeling vulnerable, violated and angry.
My dreams are awful, and I keep waking up angrier than usual.

When I was 7 years old, my grade school teacher raped me, and when I told my mom, she just cried and cried. She cried for a whole week, almost non-stop and she slept beside me all night. I didn't get it. It was awful, and disgusting, but teachers told me what to do and I was supposed to listen to them.

This is what I keep dreaming, over and over and over, and its driving me nuts. But when I get dizzy, and I HAVE been dizzy, I want to sleep, and when I want to sleep, this is what I keep dreaming, for days now. Thinking back, it makes me want to be sick, but I wish so much that I hadn't made my mother cry.
Or Lance for that matter. I told Lance about it yesterday and he cried on me for almost an hour.
Medically speaking, I wish I could talk to a doctor, but when I mentioned my rape to my doctor ten years ago, he told me I was making it up, and advised that my mother let me watch less T.V.

Vented, sorry.
<3
-JV