Sleeping
I can't stop sleeping lately.
Which confuses me, because I have always hated sleeping, and have always woken up feeling vulnerable, violated and angry.
My dreams are awful, and I keep waking up angrier than usual.
When I was 7 years old, my grade school teacher raped me, and when I told my mom, she just cried and cried. She cried for a whole week, almost non-stop and she slept beside me all night. I didn't get it. It was awful, and disgusting, but teachers told me what to do and I was supposed to listen to them.
This is what I keep dreaming, over and over and over, and its driving me nuts. But when I get dizzy, and I HAVE been dizzy, I want to sleep, and when I want to sleep, this is what I keep dreaming, for days now. Thinking back, it makes me want to be sick, but I wish so much that I hadn't made my mother cry.
Or Lance for that matter. I told Lance about it yesterday and he cried on me for almost an hour.
Medically speaking, I wish I could talk to a doctor, but when I mentioned my rape to my doctor ten years ago, he told me I was making it up, and advised that my mother let me watch less T.V.
Vented, sorry.
<3
-JV
Which confuses me, because I have always hated sleeping, and have always woken up feeling vulnerable, violated and angry.
My dreams are awful, and I keep waking up angrier than usual.
When I was 7 years old, my grade school teacher raped me, and when I told my mom, she just cried and cried. She cried for a whole week, almost non-stop and she slept beside me all night. I didn't get it. It was awful, and disgusting, but teachers told me what to do and I was supposed to listen to them.
This is what I keep dreaming, over and over and over, and its driving me nuts. But when I get dizzy, and I HAVE been dizzy, I want to sleep, and when I want to sleep, this is what I keep dreaming, for days now. Thinking back, it makes me want to be sick, but I wish so much that I hadn't made my mother cry.
Or Lance for that matter. I told Lance about it yesterday and he cried on me for almost an hour.
Medically speaking, I wish I could talk to a doctor, but when I mentioned my rape to my doctor ten years ago, he told me I was making it up, and advised that my mother let me watch less T.V.
Vented, sorry.
<3
-JV
posted by Mr. Death at 1:38 p.m.
12 Comments:
I?m sorry that you have to go through something like this. You don?t need an ignorant doctor. You need a counselor. But short of getting that, you might want to try confronting the dream yourself. I?m no psychotherapist and all I have is from reading, but see if it helps anyway.
Start keeping a dream journal and write down every dream as detailed as possible, especially the one you keep getting. Before going to sleep every night, tell yourself over and over again until you fall asleep that you?ll remember your dreams when you wake up.
So far, this has worked for me. But for the following, I haven?t tried.
After your dream diary gets going, every night before you sleep, imagine the dream again as vividly as possible, but this time, you face the teacher and stop him. Then you tell yourself until you sleep that you will face your teacher if he tries it and you?ll manage to make him go away or something.
I don?t know if it?ll work. I?d advise you to try it unless you can actually get hold of someone who knows dream psychology. I?m guessing you have an aversion towards sex as well. You might also want to read up on Rape Trauma Syndrome and PTSD.
Whatever it is, I?d advice you to work on it and not to leave it be. It?s hard but you have to do it if you ever want to sleep comfortably again.
And please remember it isn't your fault that they cried.
I get a little confused sometimes reading your entries, I think im not reading it right. Are you saying the rape was a dream, or you're dreaming of a rape that happened? I'm assuming the latter because Lance wouldn't cry over a dream. Which means that dreamy misunderstood you as well, she's thinking its a dream.
Either way, he last sentence was dead on, people cry because of their own feelings about a situation which is not within your control. Your mom probably cried because she felt like she had failed you, lance cried because you and him have a connection, and he hurts for you...not because of you...their crying is not your fault and totally beside the point.
Any dr you had 10 years ago is probably not even still in business if thats the way he treated patients, there are so many organizations available now for people who have been mugged or raped, people who are having any type of problem or having problems dealing with problems. Or you could try to see a therapist one on one, maybe your school could provide something like that. I will try and help you if you need it all you have to do is ask. know this.
a dream diary is not a bad idea, much like this blog isnt a bad idea. what your teacher did was wrong, you know this...and it had nothing to do with anything you did or didnt do...you were a kid. period and the teacher had no right.
your a wonderful person, witha heart of gold. Your intelligent, intuative, and from what I (and Lance) can see, a remarkable person.
dont be so down on yourself. please?
Wow. Long and helpful posts!
It was a dream about a rape that happened...most of my dreams are thoroughly non-fiction, though sometimes Johnny Depp weasels his way into them.
I've come to terms with it, for sure, and realised how bad it was when I discussed it with Lance's mom when I was 11 or 12.
I try keeping journals, but I forget, or get too antsy about writing private thoughts down.
Thanks for the help, seriously. I tend to vent (non-descriptly) on this blog, because I need impartial replies.
Love and peace,
JV <3
Actually, I read it correctly. What I meant was that perhaps you want to work on the dream as a way to fix any trauma. Things like recurring dreams and an aversion to sex and other stuff, you know.
Johny Depp though... lol... Willy Wonka...
PS I almost cried too... but that's because I'm the type who cries when listening to sad songs and when looking at pictures of starving children... oversensitive, you know. ;)
ok. oh my goodness. I can't imagine. And i can't believe a doctor behaved so unprofessionally by flat out telling you you were making it up. Well, I can believe it, but it sucks. i really hope that you can find some resolution. You did the right thing by telling your mother and at least she cried for you instead of telling you the same thing the doctor told you. At least she didn't blame you. Did she? You really should get some help with this. I don't like counselors myself.....but it sounds so traumatic. i am so sorry for things like this. evil is drawn to innocence.
I thought my mother had blamed me, but she didn't, of course.
Yeah, doctors suck.
-JV
Hi JV,
i just read this, and yeah, that sucks in a major way...you are sleeping as a coping mechanism...i home you are doing a bit better, but the dreams are a way for you psychy to deal with the trauma, so even if they are scary it will be helpful to try to confront them. Remember, they are only dreams, your dreams cannot hurt you (well, they can scare you and make you nervous, yes) The person who suggested a dream journal was right on! Sometimes it is really helpful to read back in your journal, say 2 or 3 years later, and you get further insights into yourself...so try again. even if you just make cryptic notations.
i used to have a re-occuring dream: i would be walking up narrow winding stairs, like up a castle tower, i would get to this kind of window with bars on it, and on the outside of the window, on the sill (ledge) was a big hunting knife(dagger), i would continue up to the top, with a feeling of apprenhension, the tower was dark and foreboding, then on my way down as i passed the window again, i noticed that the dagger was no longer there! and i would have this overwhelming scary feeling that someone was watching me ~~ i would wake up in a cold sweat ~~ over time i figured out that when i was very anxious about something i would have this dream. I don't know when i stopped having this dream, but i just rememberd now, as i read your post "Sleeping", that i have not had this dream in a very very long time (like perhaps more than 4 or 5 years) ~~ curious hmmm.
Keep writing, keep talking, this is probably helpful, but do be careful who you confide in ~~ be sure it is someone who deserves your trust.
Cheers again.
Thanks, dragonfilly, thats useful advice. I try, but sometimes I get an anxiety-like feeling from not sleeping...like an attack, unless I close my eyes.
Peace,
JV
Well, i could write a whole bunch more, but it really may not apply to you. Could be any number of things and also a combination of things.
Combining drugs for example: there is such a thing as the "kindling" effect, that is when a certain drug, be it Rx or street, starts to have the opposite effect. For example, you could take a sedative for a couple of months-years,and it will help you sleep, then all of a sudden it will have a totally opposite effect, that is, it will keep you awake.
In addition, if you are taking a Rx drug for anxiety for example, and you combine it with alchol or nicotine, sometimes the nicotine can totally negate the effects of the Rx drug, so you might as well be not taking it at all. The body's chemistry is comples and amazing, we can't know enough about it.
And you probably know that after awhile, excessive amounts of alchohol can start to affect your sleep.
And certainly sleep deprivation can have serious effects on your mental and physical health. Actually, teenagers need more than 8 hours of sleep every night, as your bodies and brains are still growing, as you know.
Well, enough of the lecture of pharmachology...try to get some good counselling with someone you can trust if you think that would help. I'm not a psychologist, so i really should not be giving you advice. I can only speak from personal experience, and from my work with the severely addicted women (young and old) that i have to deal with in my job as support worker at a shelter for street people.
But make sure you research all drugs that you take before you take them; also consider food allergies. But anyway, you sound smart, so you probably know all this already.
...later...
pj
I haven't been to a real doctor about it, because, as mentined above, I hate them...honestly, I drink/smoke/do drugs enough that nothing can help me now. I figure sleepings the best I can do till someone physically drags me to a doctors.
Thanks and Peace
JV
you're wellcome, and
[peace] back at ya. (just keep on keeping the lines of communication open)
cheers,
pj
Post a Comment
<< Home