Insane
I think I went insane yesterday, thinking about Lance and him going back to school and me: sitting at home, rotting and writing shit music and painting shit paintings...I smashed the cordless phone to pieces on an angry whim and I did not feel better. I stabbed my bedroom wall with a fork until part of it caved in (cheap fucking wall) and I did not feel better. I even got a phone call from Athena, and yelled at her and blew Lance off for sex and I didn't feel better. It scared me, too, because I also did not feel worse. I think I've hit a sinking feeling: I am low and cannot go any lower.
I came to the point where I decided I hated everyone I knew and wanted to make more friends...but this isn't true. I felt myself singling out God again, and talking to him and blaming him for things...and anxiety: my birthdays soon and I don't want to be 18. I don't want to be a grownup because I won't be an orphan anymore, I'll just be a kid without a mom. At least while I was a kid I could pretend I needed one. But an adult, they don't need anyone. Or so they say.
I feel like flipping off every fucking couple I see, holding hands, making out or otherwise and I think Lance is cheating on me.
JV
I came to the point where I decided I hated everyone I knew and wanted to make more friends...but this isn't true. I felt myself singling out God again, and talking to him and blaming him for things...and anxiety: my birthdays soon and I don't want to be 18. I don't want to be a grownup because I won't be an orphan anymore, I'll just be a kid without a mom. At least while I was a kid I could pretend I needed one. But an adult, they don't need anyone. Or so they say.
I feel like flipping off every fucking couple I see, holding hands, making out or otherwise and I think Lance is cheating on me.
JV
posted by Mr. Death at 5:50 p.m.
7 Comments:
oh oh, does not sound good, Mr. Death...and that's rubbish, unfortunately, or maybe fortunately we STILL always need our parents....but yeah, being grown up sometimes sucks, and i know what you mean about your mom, i was always a kid who did not have a dad, and one never really gets over it, but one just has to cope and muddle through somehow...we do the best we can, and that's all we can do. i wish you could get yourself out of the horrid blue funk you are in....maybe you can find someone to adopt you?
well, take care, i don't know what else to say, or if anything i say can cheer you up...i doubt it...but...
luv,
pj
I'm way to old to be adopted...and to be fair to Lance, I have no proof. Just paranoia...
JV
Happy early 18th birthday! You're olddd now... just kidding. ^.^ I just turned 18 not long ago too - it's not as good as they make it out to be but it isn't that bad either. Lighten up a bit (a lot). Easier said than done I guess...
You could ask him... he'd probably already know of your suspicions if he's still reading this *broad gesture*. Be thankful you're not single. Turning 18 and still stuck in singlesville is... disappointing...
PS If all that expenditure of energy doesn't make you feel better, maybe you should find something that does? Just a suggestion.
Thanks Dreamy...where've you been?
And yeah, Lance read it only a couple hours after I posted and went postal...We've almost worked out my paranoia...
;)
Cheers
JV
Where have I been? I have been occupied by burgeoning amounts of work and study and tests. Emotional highs and lows and a series of little dramas microscopic in size compared with yours. Don't forget the failures... *wallows in misery*
Thanks for listening. Have a nice day. =P
PS I'm wondering what are the chances that two childhood best friends end up gay and fall in love with one another. My estimation is a very small value usually only occuring in works of fiction.
PPS Glad you are no longer paranoid about losing him.
I thought so too (regarding weird coincidence...), which is partly why I never believed for a second that Lance would be gay/like me...
Sorry to hear you've been down. Remember, some people suck worse all the time. ;)
JV
Hiya. I understand paranoia. I get paranoid allll the time. and it sucks. but open communication is the best bet, in every situation. I hope you're doing well.
I'm the girl who commented once before, and yah, you don't know me. But I still care :-)
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