Lance
Ever since Lance's birthday on the 1st (celebrated on the first, however supposed to be the 29th), he has been depressed...refused to leave his room, crying, wailing about things.
His grandfather died, his father's out of prison and he realised he's not a kid anymore, at 18. He hides his head underneath the pillows and blankets and stuffed animals and tells me he's never leaving his house ever ever again, that he wants to be frozen and remember about better things.
I, however, have been sitting outside his door, day after day, trying to coax him to come out. I miss him, I want him, I haven't touched him in ages and I'm lonely and becoming depressed myself. This was all before my bout with the flu...accompanied by a hacking cough that cares NOT that one of my lungs is recovering puncture still and a headache that makes my daily headache's worse. It's been painful to close my eyes, keep them open, have lights on, sit in total darkness and everytime I cough, I throw up wads (WADS!) of blood...
After recovering NEARLY from that, I went and I sat outside of Lance's door again and he opened it, finally. The pink in his hair was fading and his eyes looked like hell (bloodshot, horrified, sleep-depraved) and I said "Can I come in, bunny?"
He frowned. He said, "I really want it."
And I just looked up at him.
"So if I let you in, we'll just do it and I'll feel bad and you'll turn crazy." He smiled a little.
I shrugged, and we had sex. It was nice, not rough like the first time or awkward, and not giggly like the second. More so like the kind of passion and love you expect, and I felt great for two days afterwards.
Then came the dream, not so much a rape dream as a conceptualists dream...I don't know what it means...Lance, sitting near my bare chest and stomach, watching me with head in hands and intent eyes. "It'll be gorgeoues," He says, "Absolutely lovely." And I kept laughing and asking what. He beckoned something in the darkness away, and a hand with a scalpel cut me open, and dead, grey butterflies and moths came out of my tear and I was horrified. He smiled and said "See?" and when I woke up, I was so calm and happy.
Lance is still depressed, but he'll see me...
Sorry for the abscence...been hacking up death. I will be gone for a bit again too...My grandma's had a heart attack...needs care.
<3
JV
PS Don't get me wrong...I'm happy with my boyfriend, he's perfect and beautiful (a little dumb) but sweet too...I feel awfully monotonous, therefore most of this post is like that too...Cheers
His grandfather died, his father's out of prison and he realised he's not a kid anymore, at 18. He hides his head underneath the pillows and blankets and stuffed animals and tells me he's never leaving his house ever ever again, that he wants to be frozen and remember about better things.
I, however, have been sitting outside his door, day after day, trying to coax him to come out. I miss him, I want him, I haven't touched him in ages and I'm lonely and becoming depressed myself. This was all before my bout with the flu...accompanied by a hacking cough that cares NOT that one of my lungs is recovering puncture still and a headache that makes my daily headache's worse. It's been painful to close my eyes, keep them open, have lights on, sit in total darkness and everytime I cough, I throw up wads (WADS!) of blood...
After recovering NEARLY from that, I went and I sat outside of Lance's door again and he opened it, finally. The pink in his hair was fading and his eyes looked like hell (bloodshot, horrified, sleep-depraved) and I said "Can I come in, bunny?"
He frowned. He said, "I really want it."
And I just looked up at him.
"So if I let you in, we'll just do it and I'll feel bad and you'll turn crazy." He smiled a little.
I shrugged, and we had sex. It was nice, not rough like the first time or awkward, and not giggly like the second. More so like the kind of passion and love you expect, and I felt great for two days afterwards.
Then came the dream, not so much a rape dream as a conceptualists dream...I don't know what it means...Lance, sitting near my bare chest and stomach, watching me with head in hands and intent eyes. "It'll be gorgeoues," He says, "Absolutely lovely." And I kept laughing and asking what. He beckoned something in the darkness away, and a hand with a scalpel cut me open, and dead, grey butterflies and moths came out of my tear and I was horrified. He smiled and said "See?" and when I woke up, I was so calm and happy.
Lance is still depressed, but he'll see me...
Sorry for the abscence...been hacking up death. I will be gone for a bit again too...My grandma's had a heart attack...needs care.
<3
JV
PS Don't get me wrong...I'm happy with my boyfriend, he's perfect and beautiful (a little dumb) but sweet too...I feel awfully monotonous, therefore most of this post is like that too...Cheers
posted by Mr. Death at 9:46 p.m.
8 Comments:
i know this is going to sound flaky but try this little remedy to "jump start" Lance out of his depression - Get a Lemon, grate it into a dish so you have "lemon zest" - leave it in the bedroom, or bathroom, anywhere where the smell will fill the room. Pick some wild-flowers, leaves, anything from nature. a few small rocks, place them in strategic visible places around the house. (but not where you will trip over them). Do the lemon rind thing every day. At the end of the day, if you feel like it, you can put the lemon rind in a salad or tea. This is not a cure, he obviously needs something more, but it might just rouse him, then you can get him out walking, looking at nature, exercising and accessing his natural endorphines (which you probably know the sex is doing too) -- sex is good, passion is good, touching is necessary for good health -- but we still need balance -- sorry, i'm in lecture mode --- blah blah blah, i get like that sometimes, drives my friends nuts! lol -oh well, like i said, you can modify your behaviour but you can't change your intrinsic nature (that's an original quote from me!)
go to the library and get some books of Jung's on dreams, i'm trying to think of some other authors who do good dream analysis, ask Deb, she probably knows. I can't find my copy of Women Who Run With the Wolves, but _ _ _ _Pinkus is her name, she might have written something new about dreams.
Anyway, how are you feeling emotionally when you wake up after the dream, journalize about it, journalize about your emotional feelings, and also concentrate on how your body is feeling on a physical level. Write down the dream, leave it for a couple of days, then go back to it, read it and think about how you are feeling. Soon some realizations may surface, some insights about the dream. Dreams basically are the psyhes (can't spell) way of processing our waking experiences, of protecting us from emotional pain until we are ready to look at it. So take is slow, don't panic, and try not to over-analyze.
i don't know if any of this will be helpful...but it's all i have...
take care of your sweet self, rest when you need rest...etc.
luv,
pj
Hope your GM is doing okay, and that you are doing well too.
Take care of your health or you'll no help to anyone. Coughing out blood is not cool... unless you lived in a soap opera...
hey pumpkin, filly makes some good oints. You can also put lavender out, its a stimulant also, and if you like the smell of cinnimon, sprinkle a little in the bed.
that dream gave me the craziest vision, it seems like something you should paint. I may try to paint the vision that came to mind.
Hope you, lance and your gm feel much better.
and happy birthday to lance for me will you?
hey there Meester, check out Dr. Deb's blog, some good stuff on dreams -- might be of some use to you.
luv
pj
just glad to see you are writing again we were getting worried
Thanks for the concern...really. I'm feeling better physically. Lance and I are going to run away anf live on the moon.
JV
well, watch out for those goats and don't fall in any craters!!!
luv,
pj
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