Insane

I think I went insane yesterday, thinking about Lance and him going back to school and me: sitting at home, rotting and writing shit music and painting shit paintings...I smashed the cordless phone to pieces on an angry whim and I did not feel better. I stabbed my bedroom wall with a fork until part of it caved in (cheap fucking wall) and I did not feel better. I even got a phone call from Athena, and yelled at her and blew Lance off for sex and I didn't feel better. It scared me, too, because I also did not feel worse. I think I've hit a sinking feeling: I am low and cannot go any lower.
I came to the point where I decided I hated everyone I knew and wanted to make more friends...but this isn't true. I felt myself singling out God again, and talking to him and blaming him for things...and anxiety: my birthdays soon and I don't want to be 18. I don't want to be a grownup because I won't be an orphan anymore, I'll just be a kid without a mom. At least while I was a kid I could pretend I needed one. But an adult, they don't need anyone. Or so they say.
I feel like flipping off every fucking couple I see, holding hands, making out or otherwise and I think Lance is cheating on me.

JV