Merry Effin' Christmas

Fucking cretins....I hate TV. Human nature becomes a bottom denominator on television...football, sex jokes, racist comedians and America's Funniest Home Videos....Which has only one credit for its name: it's stupid ass people getting what stupid ass people deserve....but for the very end, where they are rewarded for being stupid or clumsy. What the fucking shit??
So I spent Moms birthday/Christmas Eve/Mom's death day watching America's Funniest Home Videos, Friends and football...which I hate, hate and hate. Lance was kind though, and eventually popped in an early X-Mas gift (Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law) and we watched that and The Boondocks until bedtime.
I found I went almost the whole day without thinking about my mom...until I was laying awake after sex with Lance, listening to him humming as he washed his hands and face and brushed his teeth before bed. It sort of struck me, and even with the thought I just presented: "Why didn't I think about her at all, all day?" I felt guilty...but a little proud at the same time...Not that I want to forget her, but I don't want it to destroy what life I have that is happy, either. I figure, in ten years, I'll be about her age, and that kind of makes me sad. When Lance sauntered back in, he smelled like soap and Aquafresh, so I rolled over and hugged him and forgot about her again.
I know what people say to me. They say, "Johnny...she'd want you to be happy..." But of course, if they're dead, the saying applies to anyone, and anyone could back me up...But with my mum, I know its true. So for now, and this may or may not be a New Years Resolution, I will just try to be happy...calm down and stop ranting about how much I hate human nature...But it probably won't work, because Lance still watches The Price is Right every morning at 11.

JV

Christmas Eve

...almost here. What do I do at this time of year? I feel a mix of confusion and anger...staring off into space and realizing hours and hours have gone by without me...Sleeping troubled, food not digesting properly, sad thoughts and angry outbursts.
I miss my mother...even though it doesn't really need to be said, I'll say it anyway. I figure she wouldn't be to happy with me now...if I'd still been living with her by now, anyway.
She always made a big deal about Christmas, and even though we couldn't afford it, she went lavish anyway and sighed over the bills for the rest of the year. She used to call Baba and Grampapa every year and tell them how good I was being, even when I wasn't. People say they can still see her in me...people being my godfather, Alex...and Baba before she passed. This year, however, will be my first Christmas without anyone in my biological family. My dad offered to take me with them on vacation, but I refused out of spite, and almost wish now that I had gone...I feel like I'm intruding on Lance's Christmas with his family...even when they swear up and down they're happy to have me.
I can surely say that X-Mas Eve will be awkward for us all...me brooding around, shaking when I hear police sirens and staring at the Christmas tree with vengeance...I'm only happy that I'll have Lance...who, as I've mentioned before, has been the most supportive, even when he didn't know it... (Holding my hand at the funeral, hugging me at the police station, taking care of me for as long as I was around...loving me, even when I didn't deserve it)
I can tell that he feels pretty sad on Christmas Eve because he loved my mom too, but it seems to me (and even though I can admit it's quite irrational) that he has no right... I wish my mom got to see me last in a good situation...I'd started cocaine when I was 12, about a year before she died, and she'd spent the year tearing her hair out about it until I turned 13 and was clean, in the October before she died.
I wish I would calm down about things, but the stress of the holidays eats me up inside and makes me unpleasant to those around me...
Sorry I've been gone...working on giant sharpie masterpiece...Running out of markers too fast.
I love you, Mama....Happy Birthday/DeathDay/Christmas Eve

Yoshka Valentine (December 24 1973 - December 24 2001)

Yo
JV