Quick Self Portrait

And yeah, it kind of looks like I'm throwing up...and I have red wings. It was for a art project, a proposal of a figurative self-portrait...if I can find Lance's, I'll upload it. It's bad, but remember chillens', a self-portrait.
Thats how my hair and make-up look now, and Lance suggested that since I'm predominately online for my Mr. Death account, I could add a death-y element.
I'm throwing up what I feel, bloody, confusing, maybe beautiful? I don't know how it'll be interpreted.
It'll be a painting, I hope...and better.
Cheers
JV

arr....

I had to tell my father: I sat down at our huge-ass dinner table, just me, and him typing on his laptop. I told him "Turn off the laptop and listen, okay?"
And he sighed (don't blame him, expected a sarcastic comment or a rant about how much I hate him and his fucker-bitch harpie of a wife...who isn't actually that bad, I guess), flipped it down halfway and said, "Yes, Johnathan?"
And I had planned on being tactful, inferring and understanding....How would you feel, after days and weeks of planning and gathering up the courage to talk to your estranged father about a childhood trauma you needed help and he turns to you and calls you the wrong name?
So he caught himself: "Oh" (embarassed) "I'm so sorry...Jhonen.." (Thats not my bloody name either).
I put my head in my hands, sighed real big, and said, "There's something I wanted to tell you, because its been eating me and stresing me and making my life slightly more fucking miserable."
He frowned. "Yeah?"
I took a huge breathe, and my heart felt like it was ripping out of my chest...
I said, "When I was seven, my homeroom teacher raped me." But I guess I didn't say it loud enough. So he asked me to repeat myself, and I yelled, "He fucked me, okay? I was so small, and he fucked me."
He stared at me, and I'd never seen tears in his eyes before, but I did then. He put a hand over his mouth and said, "...when..?"
"While you weren't there...Back when you didn't know I existed." I swallowed, and suddenly felt guilty. "It was after school, my first detention, okay? He made me suck him off and raped me in...other ways...and I felt like shit about it. He hit me."
"And...Yoshie?" (My mom).
"She cried a lot." I started to get up (NOT feeling better like I thought I would.)
He put his head in his hands and cried, really quietly. "Jesus Christ."
So I left, stepped outside (it was wet and dark), and froze all the way to Lance's, on the subway and all the way from Bloor to Annette.

The weirdest, scariest and maybe best thing about it all was that I felt awful...the same way I felt with my mom when I told her...but obviously I didn't swear at her and tell her the grotesque and frankly horrifying details...
He cried for me, and I felt like he cared. For the first time. The first time e.v.e.r.

So I went to Lances, walked in and almost immediately hit the sack, pulling on my hair and crying. Lance smiled when I lay down on his bed, and hugged me until I drifted off to nightmare land. When I woke up, I caught my breathe and grabbed him, and for some reason was surprised that he was still there.
I went upstairs, I felt like screaming and I sat in the living room with all the lights off and the T.V off until I heard Lance yawn from downstairs and say my name.
I went downstairs, streaky and kind of smiling and we started kissing, and almost, ALMOST ended up back "there", but he stopped me, even though I really wanted to (not just my man parts, my head, my heart were aching in good ways and bad, literally painful ways). He put a hand on my face and kind of softly shoved me away and said "It's not a good time yet...So just wait. Trust me, you'll think so too."
I guess I was mad, at the time, but when he "excused himself" from the room (to do something by himself *ahem*), he said something that made me laugh. He winked, and said "So I'll be back in 5...10 minutes?" then looked at my pants, ( I hadn't thought to cover...it's Lance, I never do!) "10, eh?" and shut the door behind him.

Good 24 hours, bad 24 hours? I don't know...I feel indifferent. But not neutral...just...weird.
Sorry...
JV

The Trip

Lance and I spent the way there curled up in the back of Eric's car, with Star and Ellin curled up on the otherside. We listened to AC/DC, and Allen sat up front, gazing into the front view mirror, and occasionally glancing back to look at Ellin...Poor Tom squished in between Allen and Eric, reading fashion mags and running up a HUGE bill on his cellphone...
We mostly ate McDonalds, and it was mostly on Eric because his father's practically a millionaire (they live a little down my dads street even, richest neighbourhood I know), and had a cooler with beer, but mostly Diet Coke and Pepsi.
The scenery was mostly highway and boring trees, and holy shit it was FUCKING COLD (when we got out)!
We dropped Lance off at the College first, then went over and had dinner somewhere somewhat respectable.

The next day, we went to Quebec City and went to see the Basillica du St. Anne, WHICH you may recall I wrote about in a very very early post...the last time I was there, I was with my mom. We didn't take the inside tour, partly because I was wearing my devil hat, so we proceeded to the Chateau. I did some drawing while overlooking the St. Lawrence, and then on Sunday we started back...

12 Hours, it took...which is fucking unnatural! So we got back at like 3 in the morning, and we all crashed in Eric's basement and skipped school today. ;)

JV
It was boredom in a whole new place.

Montreal

The bunch of us are taking a road trip to Montreal, and hope to be there in time for the University Orientation...Lance is planning on going there....
(Bunch of us meaning Allen, Eric, Ellin, Star, me, Lance and Tom (a boy I met at my Catholic School...some kids gave him a hard time for being gay and once he FINALLY told his parents, they transferred him to my new school...cheesy. And he's the best comedian I've ever met!))
So cheers, and again I'm sorry. I really, really, suck. But haven't been on a road trip in a long time.

JV

p.s And I told Allen that if he can speak, he should try to. It might help all of his pent up anger (ei. another way to let it out, not breaking stuff etc). So he shook his head, and then the next day he walked over to me, and leaned in real close to my ear and SAID "I'll try."
;)

Over Coffee

(...I walk into Second Cup, and Lance is already sitting there, folding napkins oragami style, with our orders in front of him. Everything on the table had been totally straightened, because when he's nervous, his obsessive perfectionist side takes over).
Me: ...Um, hi. (I didn't sit down. AW-Kward.)
Him: Um. Hi.
Me: ....(I sit down.)
Him: (puts down his swan) Are you okay? (motions to my arm and head)
Me: Uh-huh. How about you?
Him: You know I'm still really mad at you. (straightened the top of the napkins so they match)
Me:...(I got up)
Him: Sit. That's no biggy. Not right now. (pushes my Latte over to me)
Me: (I sit down) Um...
Him: There's a couple of things I hate about you. (sighed and turned a little pink)
Me: (I got up. I know, I'm a freak)
Him: Sit your ass down! (I sit down) I mean, I hate some things about you, but I like more than what I hate...
Me:...What?
Him: Uhm...I'm nervous. Let me start over: There are things I don't like about you, but more that I do like.
Me: Oh.
Him: But that's me and everyone.
Me:...so what do you hate?
Him: Your drugs, your self-hating, your...hair today! What is with that flippy thing?? (He reached over and batted my hair...It was sticking out weird.)
Me: Jeez. Anything else?
Him: A few. Almost irrelevant. But don't get me wrong...(smiled) I don't have enough time to list all the things I do like about you. The world would end first.
Me: Or you'd die.
Him: Yeah.
Me: (I think I blushed a little. So NOT goth. lol)
Him: So you were alright yesterday? Your dad called my mom. And I saw you yelling at a group of Scientologists.
Me: Um...yeah. Scientologists?
Him: Yeah.
Me: Hmm.. (I have no fucking clue. I'll take his word for it)
Him:...
Me:...
Him:...
Me:...uh...
Him: Honestly...do I freak you out? (sips his black coffee)
Me: Sometimes. Or do you mean about that thing last week?
Him: (cut eye) Sometimes? I meant last week.
Me: I don't think so. I'm fucking ill remember?
Him: Sure. but if you are, I am. So we're ill together.
Me: (face)
Him: I think it would help if you told your dad. Or talked to my mom. Or let someone know you trust. I mean, you told me, and that was alright.
Me:...Yeah.
Him: Did it help when you told me?
Me:...Sort of. Like it was farther away. (Some nervous hand gesture)
Him:...I don't want to break up with you.
Me: (I kind of choked a little, so I didn't reply)
Him: Uhm...I mean, I don't.
Me: Yeah...I don't want to either. Unless you want to.
Him: I just said...
Me: Uhm...yeah. (sip. It was awful, unmixed. Like hot water with Chai)
Him: It'd be stupid to let this break us. 'Cause I was upset, but its not my fault, or your fault, and you need someone you like to help you and you like me you said...and we...uh...i think we work together, i really do and i--Me: (interuppting) You're babbling.
Him: ...yes. Sorry. I mean I love you. And I like being with you. And I don't care if we have sex or make out or even if we never ever touch eachother...
Me: You're doing it again.
Him: Fuck you, you get what I'm saying.
Me: Yeah...but you'd be awfully frustrated.
Him: Uh-huh, you too, though. I think. Unless your asexual as you claimed before.
Me: I WISH. But no...I mean, I want to, but not now.
Him: (leans over) Of course not now, the tables not big enough and people are staring.
Me: Tshh...You dig it?
Him: Yeah. Of course. (He kissed me) So your still my boyfriend? And you don't hate me?
Me: If you'll permit it.
Him: Only because I'm so accepting. (We stood up.)
Me:...
Him: And when did people start saying "dig it" again?
Me: They didn't. I did.
Him: Hmm...
Me: (whistling "Living Dead Girl")
Him: Will you stay at my house? You can sleep in the laundry-room. (*this is what we call the room with the extra bed in the basement, across the floor from Lance's room...there's a folding table in it. This is my almost permanent residence everytime I was over)
Me: ...Sure.
Him: ...
Me: I'm sorry.
Him: You'd better be. (smirked) But I don't really blame you. It's not your fault. But I'm tired of your drug binges. Those poor Scientologists...
Me: Were there really Scientologists?
Him: Hell, not anymore. They probably packed up and went to Hamilton. Too scared of you.
Me: I feel sick.
Him: I know. Me too.
Me: You know what I hate about you?
Him: Yes: Dyslexia? That I always copy off you in Math?
Me: and English and Science and History. Yeah. But thats not what I meant?
Him: So what? My--
Me: Stop guessing. Let me tell you.
Him: Shoot.
Me: When I hurt your feelings, it hurts my feelings.
Him: Ahhh...Your moment of weakness?
Me: I guess.
Him: (long sigh) I love you. But its hard to deal with you.
Me: Yeah, well your no cake-walk.
Him: Well yeah, I can't eat cake. That's precisely why.
Me: (kissed him *sweat*)
Him: Alright. Don't get me riled up.
(We both giggled a little awkwardly, and got off at Jane station).


((I'm really sorry for the last post. I'm a fucking jackass. I was reading over it and amazed by all the stupid things I did)))
JV
P.S Why do we lie? He's to good for me. What a fucking angel. I'm a total ass and he gives me the cutest pick-up line in history. *Suicide* God.

oh GOD

i must have got some reeeeaaalllly bad shit last night....my whole fucking face hurts, and my eyes feel like their going to fall out.
lance wont call me, or talk to me at school....he looks at me sometimes, over his shoulder with that "look" in his eye, but he just sighs and looks back anyway. im worried he started dating a chick again.
also, i dont think i can ever go to school again....i cried in history for no reason and my make-ups fucked...black streakies all down my face and smeared lipstick. i look like a dead whore who spent 6 years on cocaine.
fucking coke dealers are shit. i went to a different guy and got cheaper, horrible shit of death. still on a buzz and my brain feels like its turning to jello.
i spent all night eating jello.
im really nervous, but staying with my pop. he left the news on and harper won!! shit shit shit shit!! i almost broke the fucking box. what are we gonna do? he's gonna tear us apart and make us america. no more drugs for kids or marriage for gays or abortions for women or day care for single parents....
i have scratches all over my face and my box cutter went missing after i finished with it. i found it in the fridge next to the mayonaisse. i put on a pair of boots last night to go to the store and they were out of matinee ultra mild so i had to buy heavier stuff. nicotine, cocaine beer, coffee and dill pickles are not a god mix. ever. i think ive had it before and it didn't agree with me.
cheese im freaking out. i keep hearing footsteps coming from downstairs but maybe its my sister? she shouldn't be home.
lance stopped liking me, i swear to god. it never works out for johnny. god hates johnny. johnny hates johnny. i don't think he wants to make such an effort.
oh shit i left two bottles of coke in my bag. im shaking a lot too can't stop moving my hands.

EDIT my dad came home and saw there was blood all over my arms and i cried and apoligised for eating all the jello. while i was eating cashews (a WHOLE tin OMFG) i spilt salt all over my cuts and it burned like the fucking antichrist. my stepmoms upset at me and i think my dad wants to take me to the hospital. im taking off anyway, doctors scare the fuck out of me. cheerio ill be smoking at conners

In the Meantime...

...I went to the Industrial part of town and picked up some more ecstasy and on the way, was forced to explain my atheistic ways to an evangelist with a baseball cap on.

I used to have a religion, I mentioned. I believed because my mother believed and that was good enough proof for me.
God loved me, she said, and did what he could to protect me from harm. If he existed, he didn't help me for shit after my mom died: even the fact that my mom died left me confused, hurt and betrayed. If God loved me, and loved her and loved all of his creatures, why did he kill her and leave me without a mother?
Afterwards, (providing he exists) why did he submit me to year of homelessness, a apathetic dad, drug addicts pawing at me, my own personal drug addiction? I don't believe in him, I really don't.
I don't care if you believe, leave me alone about it.
God should be praised for the good things and we have to blame people for the bad things? WTF?

Don't be offended by what I wrote, I didn't mean it that way. I'm just angry, and probably hopped up on something and Lance won't talk to me.

Weird dream...

I had the rape dream again, even after I assumed it had gone away. It was a lot more vivid then I remember it, and I woke up angry, scared and in a cold sweat. Without even realising what I was doing, I shoved Lance away, jumped out of bed and went to sit outside.

There was more to the dream this time: the rape was more brutal and there was physical violence were there wasn't before. There were dead kids in it, dangling from something or other and a package waiting for me that said "To Johnny: on his 18th (and last) birthday)". Like everything was preordained.
I'm just feeling totally fucked up. I went to stay at Conners because I'm not sure if being close to Lance is a good idea. I'm not even sure why I hit him.
JV

...

...a very lazy day.
I went to school, wrote a song in Math class, did my calculus in English, and smoked nothing but the stale cigarettes I found near Josh's (Lance's brother) dresser. Allen spent the whole day chipping off his neon nail polish, and glaring at Ellins new boyfriend, and Lance drew doodles of me and him doing inappropriate things. *ahem*
When I got to Lances, we sat, cuddled on the couch watching cartoons and Friends (Lance's secret passion), made fun of the many lousy commercials, expressed our moral outrage at the PC's anti-Liberal commericials (laughing at the Liberals burns against the PCs) then played video games for a couple of hours.
Lance took his shot, and missed, so now he's sniffing and trying not to get upset about all the little pokey marks in his arm. I fixed him a kiwi snack, and did the dishes while his mom was out on her date.
In the meantime, Star and I are doing a photoshoot tomorrow, (nude, but artistically) and her aunt (Stacie, my moms best friend in highschool and her band's second guitarist) is planning to marry her high-school sweetheart, Julie.
My baba's coming to visit us for a while, at my dad's, and my little sister's birthday(s) are/is coming up. Thats hard to work on, grammatically.... *sweat*
Cheers, cheers
JV

P.S Lance has been wearing a dress almost all day...I miss his pants. So tight. ;)

late night conversation

Setting: Lance's bed
Time: Really, really late

Lance: Comfy?
Me: Kinda.
Lance: (moves)
Me: (quiet)
Lance: So...I'm sorry.
Me: I know. Me too.
Lance: (quiet)
Me: What?
Lance: You never sorry. Ever!
Me: Apoligise.
Lance: What?
Me: You meant apoligise.
Lance: Pffft..I meant what I said. Sorry.
Me: Whatever. (turn over)
Lance: You know I've known you since before you were born?
Me: Stop saying that. (he says this alot)
Lance: It's true. I think thats wonderful. We've known eachother for soooo long. (giggle)
Me: Argh. Get a grip.
Lance: (giggle again) Tee hee, I'd try, but your not hard enough. (sex joke...hope you missed it *sweat*)
Me: Jeesssuus! (hit)
Lance: Ow...Sorry.
Me: Go to sleep, fool.
Lance: Okay. One more thing?
Me: ...What? (yawn)
Lance: ...You smell like cheese, still. (sniff sniff)

omfg.
JV

Cheese

I went back to school today, after my dad did some of his lawyer negotiation (because I wouldn't want to miss any school, now would I?) and I was sitting in the cafeteria with Allen (who's back too) eating the gelitin crap that always makes me throw up afterwards.
He was playing his gameboy, so didn't warn me when Lance came up behind me, and sniffed. I turned when I saw his shadow, a little quickly (because of my street smarts, shadows are not my favourite things to see) and he just stood there, holding a low grade nacho plate, overfilling a bit with melted, processed cheese. He looked like a puppy, and I wanted to apoligise (even though I still think he was wrong), but I didn't. It's my Russian blood, I swear. Instead, I turned around again and angrily crunched on my food (the jello's crunchy, no jokes). Allen looked in between us, still looking a little yellow from when he threw up behind the gym.
After about a minute (that dragged on forever), Lance says, "Johnny." and I turned around again. He hit me, right in the back of the head, said "you suck!" and poured the cheese all over me!! All over my pants, and my arms, my hair and my shirt. Then, as if a second thought, picked up Allen's, and dumped it on himself.
He says, loudly and proudly, kissing my goopy, cheesy face, "There. Now we're both covered in cheese. You can't be mad at me anymore." and sits down.

JV

Suspended...

Punched a kid, and now I've been suspended...
There's a certain amount of intolerance that I can handle, dismiss with an angry shrug and a swear, but this, THIS was a big one.
I stand, by myself, in line in the cafeteria and a kid comes up with his girlfriend, and they stand directly behind me. After some giggles and whispers, the guy turns to me and asks, "You're the guy who knows that fag, right?"
So I turn to him, raise my eyebrow and say, "Which one?" Because this usually sets them off.
INSTEAD, he shrugs at me, grins and says, "The fag who's with that nigger?"
I wasn't expecting it, and before I knew it, I'd hit the kid, his nose was bleeding and I was sitting in the principles office staring at the wall.
I seriously don't remember lifting a finger, but my knuckles hurt, and Lance, the pacifist, is mad at me.
Incidentially the same thing happened to Lori ("the fag") when someone called Ian ("the nigger") that word...but he ended up getting beaten up.
I think IED is becoming a larger problem...
Anyway, I get to miss school. I'm watching the Simpsons at Conners, because, as part of my fued with Lance, I'm not staying at his house.
I am BUZZED.
JV

Assessment

After doing an assessment sent to me by Ellin (she's a quiz freak!) it says:
Stability: 30%
Intellectual: 83%
Magical: 70%
Artistic: 90%
Religious: 10%
Materialism: 16%
Naricissism: 2%
Adventerousness:76%
Romantic: 70%
Self-Absorption: 10%
Individuality: 83%
Wealth: 10%
Femininity: 69%
Paranoia: 66%

Yeah....I'm not THAT paranoid.
;)
JV

(May be gone for a while, taking care of my grandmother)

cute...

^^New band poster template. (used Greenday lyrics as a place holder)

"Johnny...?" (says Lance. We're sitting on his bed in the basement)"You realise I can never hit you again?" "You never hit me before." (I looked at him weird, I guess.)
"Nooo." (shakes his head) "What I mean is we can't beat eachother up...like guys do."
"Why not?"
"Cause then it would be wife battery."
(we both giggled)

-_- and he was basically serious. God help me, he's soooo cute.
Sorry, irrelevent post.
JV <3 style="font-size:85%;">

2006

Started off with a bang. Pina Coladas strong enough to punch you in the brain, and enough shrimp to make you think you were drowning at sea. Honestly. We spent it at Alex's (Mr. Vodka, the man who owns the bar Wynter we gig at and my Godfather. Sheesh. The man was in love with my mom, too), the 7+1 of us: Allen, Ellin (who aren't avoiding eachother anymore), Eric and his fiancee Amy, Lance and I and of course, Alex. Plus one being his date, the ever talented Emily somethingrather...The band we replaced after she made it big.
Lance and I spent the first few hours of the New Year upstairs in my (makeshift) room, and the rest of the early morning shouting thing on the streets (don't quite recall what all was said) outside in the pitch-black with the guys (minus El-Muto).
My New Years resolutions:
1. Make Peace with my step-sister Sarah, and her Stepford Wife mom.
2. Will myself to grow another 5 inches at LEAST.
3. Spend more time with my twin half-sisters...
4. Eat 100 peeps.
Lance's birthday, she approaches. But no gift ideas come to mind. (still T minus 30 or so days till lift off) and Valentine's Day. So far, this is the only year I've had a date this particular day.

I wandered over to the graveyard again yesterday, and found myself almost paralyzed with shock: my father was already there, at her grave, with flowers. I watched him for a little while, and he was quiet, then let out a sigh and walked back towards me. When our eyes met, I felt kinda...(no words??)...like he was ACTUALLY my father, for the first time in pretty much forever. He offered to drive me home and while the radio was on low, we discussed my mom, and stuff. It was weird, but I guess a good way to start off the New Years.
Lance got me a Star Wars shirt for no reason. :) It has Darth Vader on it, and its real comfy.

<3 Happy 2006
Johnny V.